USA Today just released the first picture from 5 5ast 5 5urious, aka Fast Five, starring Vin Diesel and The Rock. If I had to pick just one favorite thing about it, it would probably be that it totally doesn’t look gay at all.  Nope, just two greased-up, hairless straight dudes, hangin’ out in tight shirts and lookin’ ripped, as we do.  I wonder what they’re saying.

“What’s that on your face?”

“It’s a goatee.  You should try it some time.”

“Fine. Maybe I will.”

“You think that’s hot, I got a beard back at the house.”

—

“You gonna spot me, bro?”

“Oh I’ll spot you.”

“You better.”

“I will.  But not before you put on some baby oil.  Your skin looks dry. And what is that, arm pit hair?  Pathetic.  You could be looking so much more ripped right now, bro. If only you weren’t such a looothe cannon.”

“Was that a lisp?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

They should’ve gotten John Travolta for this.

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Grease up your gearshift, sailor, because here comes The Fast and the Bi-Curious all over your face.  It stars two of my favorite comedy Jews, Andy Samberg and Seth Rogen, and it’s pretty much exactly how it sounds.  Making the Fast and Furious characters gay seems like a funny joke. But then, is it a joke?  There’re just some things that you expect to end with someone getting effed in the B.  Fast/Furious movies. WWE.  Kirk Cameron’s marriage.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  B effing, I mean.  Some of my best friends are B effers.
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