Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters earned almost $20 million in its opening weekend, proving that I’ve completely misunderstood human nature my whole life. I haven’t felt this alienated from my fellow man since the last time someone mentioned any of today’s popular television or music or children’s names. Hansel/Gretel’s opening was three million better than Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, and while critics hated it (15 percent on RottenTomatoes), audiences… well, audiences thought it was just sort of meh too, giving it a B cinemascore. Hooray for a dearth of options!

Elsewhere, Parker landed in fifth with just $7 million, even worse than the last Stafe movie. It’s all part of my thesis, No One Actually Likes J-Lo. Below even that was Movie 43, with just $5 million.

In seventh place, star-studded comedy anthology Movie 43 tanked with just $5 million. That’s lower than practically any comparable titles, including spoof comedy Disaster Movie ($5.8 million). The audience skewed younger (59 percent under 25 years of age) and about even on gender (51 percent male), and they gave the movie an atrocious “D” CinemaScore. [BoxOfficeMojo]

Yep, even stoned teenagers hated it. It should be noted, though, that it only cost $6 million to make. Still, the savage reviews (5% on RT) were mean enough that the Farrelly Brothers (who produced and directed a segment) felt compelled to answer back::

To the critics: Movie 43 is not the end of the world. It’s just a $6-million movie where we tried to do something different. Now back off. P

— Farrelly Brothers (@farrellybros) January 27, 2013

To the critics: You always complain that Hollywood never gives you new stuff, and then when you get it, you flip out. Lighten up. P

— Farrelly Brothers (@farrellybros) January 27, 2013

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Jim Carrey has announced his exit from the planned sequel to Dumb and Dumber (not to be confused with the 2003 prequel they made without the original cast or directors) that was supposed to start shooting in September. The move confounded many who thought watching two 50-year-old men pee on each other was a super-funny idea.

No one was more excited about the planned Dumb and Dumber sequel than Jim Carrey — but three months after director Peter Farrelly confirmed that both original stars would reprise their iconic roles, ETOnline has exclusively learned that Carrey has exited from the project.
According to sources, Carrey grew increasingly frustrated by New Line and Warner Brothers, who he felt showed a lack of enthusiasm regarding the project.
In addition to confirming the story, Carrey exclusively tells ETOnline, “I would have thought Dumb and Dumber To was a no-brainer, after all it’s implied in the title.” [ETOnline]

Does anyone even know what the hell that means? Americans get fat as they age, Canadians just turn crazy. You start out with a promising career, 20 years later you can still fit into the same clothes but you won’t stop babbling about how the aliens won’t visit us because of 9/11. All I know is, New Line and Warner must be CARAAAZAY not to be excited about a Dumb and Dumber sequel called “Dumb and Dumber To.” Get it?? It’s the wrong kind of “two!” Because they’re dumb! F*ckin’ homophones, am I right? Stupid people not understanding homophones is the fat people slipping on banana peels of our times.

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This story broke as an exclusive on April Fool’s Day, and I know from experience not to trust those, but the author swears it’s true and a bunch of other sites have since picked it up, so I guess it’s true (and if it’s not, well fella, you can just go suck rocks). Anyway, the story is that Dumb and Dumber will finally be getting a sequel. No, not Dumb and Dumberer, but a real sequel with Jim Carrey and Jeff Bridges and the Farrelly Brothers.

“Hooray, this sounds awesome!” said 2004, when reached for comment.

Today, at the junket for he and his brother’s latest, The Three Stooges, Peter Farrelly says that not only is Dumb and Dumber 2 coming, it’s set to begin production later this year.
“We’re getting set to shoot ‘Dumb and Dumber 2′ in September,” he says. “It’s the first sequel we’ve ever done and we’ve got Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels back.”
“We did not do ‘Dumb and Dumberer,’” he continues. “That was a studio thing. So we’ve always wanted to do a sequel and finally Jim called up. Jeff always wanted to do it. We always wanted to do it. Jim was busy, but he called and said, ‘We’ve got to do this thing again.’ He had just watched ‘Dumb and Dumber’ and he said, ‘This is the perfect sequel. Let’s do it.’” [ComingSoon]

I just sat here for 20 minutes with absolutely nothing to say about this, so it should be great. I can think of no more fertile ground for comedy than a premise like “two dumb guys are friends.” So much more to explore.

………..

Whoa, what happened? I just zoned out for like an hour. Anyway, I guess there’s a new Three Stooges trailer? And there are like… dudes in it? Seriously, bro, I don’t know. That’s just what I heard.

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Jesse Farrelly, 20-year-old son of director Bobby Farrelly and nephew of Peter, died this week of an apparent drug overdose in Orange County, CA. He’d had bit parts in a few of the Farrelly Brothers’ movies, including There’s Something about Mary and Hall Pass.

According to law enforcement … emergency personnel responded to an apartment in Costa Mesa, CA late Wednesday night after getting a call about an “unresponsive young male … possible overdose.”
We’re told 20-year-old Jesse was transported to a nearby hospital … where he was pronounced dead a short time later.  The coroner has completed the autopsy and has ruled out foul play.
The Farrelly family has released a statement saying, “It is with profound sorrow that we accept the passing of our beloved Jesse following his struggle with addiction.  We fully trust that he is now in the hands of our Lord.”
The statement continues, “We are immeasurably grateful for the abundance of happiness and laughter he brought into our lives, and we will rejoice eternally for all the moments we got to breathe in his wondrous spirit.  The family thanks you for your well wishes and kindly asks that you respect our privacy during this difficult time.” [TMZ]

So yeah, not the most hilarious news, I apologize. I suddenly feel like saying nice things about Three Stooges.