ALT HEADLINE: FORKS, WASHINGTON? MORE LIKE DORKS, WASHINGTON.
No matter how you feel about Twilight - hell, pretend it’s the best book ever written - this is still one of dorkiest stories ever. I’ve told you about Forks, Washington’s Twilight-based economy before, but I had to cover MTV’s recent trip to Summer School in Forks, “a fan event that allowed Twilighters to attend classes, go to a prom and enjoy field trips around the real-life town.” Some guy from MTV (a grown adult, even) even delivered the keynote address. I know that’s his job, but if it were me I’d have to kick my own ass afterward.
When you pull into town, you see a quaint Disneyland for Twilighters: A motel sign screams “Edward Cullen Slept Here,” a local Chinese restaurant features a “Twilight Dinner” [with Berra egg ro, and Edwah foo yong] and every third storefront sells Robert Pattinson cardboard cutouts, custom-made T-shirts and other “Twilight” trappings (lollipops that read “Bite Me”, bumper stickers that say “Warning: I Drive Like a Cullen”).
“None of our students are vampires — at least, not that we’re aware of,” grinned Kevin Rupprecht, the real-life [dork] principal of Forks High School, who promised me that he resists the daily temptation to call Edward Cullen to his office over the loudspeaker. “We do have a couple of lockers, for the fans, that are designated for Edward and Bella. People like that. And we do know which parking spot the almost-accident occurred in. So we direct fans to that; they eat it up [like bon-bons, or loneliness].”
Another interesting part of the weekend was Saturday night’s “prom” in the Forks High gymnasium. With attendees of all ages dressed in their best evening gowns and suits, popular “Twilight” acts the Bella Cullen Project, Bella Rocks and the Mitch Hansen Band sang odes to the Cullen clan. The YouTube sensation [...] Hillywood Players walked amongst them dressed as Bella, Jasper, Alice and Edward — the latter had his shirt open to reveal his chest, naturally. After sniffing a few potential mates, “Edward” chose his dancing partner from among the blushing fans [though they may just have been red from physical exertion].
As we stood in the real-deal Forks cafeteria, it was hard to deny the feeling that Edward could come strolling in at any moment, grab a tray of food that he would only poke at and stare longingly at Bella from across the room [gayest. daydream. ever.]. As the line between fiction and fact continued to blur, the Twilighters exchanged hugs and phone numbers, taking home the memories of a lifetime along with their diplomas.
“We ate at Bella Italia, which is where Edward and Bella had their first date. It was pouring — just like it should be — when we got here,” [a Twihard] continued. “Everywhere you go, you can just imagine Bella and Edward walking down the street in this cozy little town. It really is like being in the home of ‘Twilight.’ “
Man, if L.A. needs an enema, Forks, Washington could use a wedgie. Maybe Lincoln, Nebraska could stuff it in a locker and give it time to ponder ways of being less lame.
Kids brood free!
I can’t remember where I read this, but one in six books bought worldwide last year was one of the Twilight series, a statistic more depressing than genital herpes. I wish I had a copy handy because you can literally pick any paragraph at random and show that Stephenie Meyer writes like a third grader. And yet this phenomenon is so f’ing unstoppable that an Alaskan cruise line is now offering a Twilight Fan Cruise, which includes…
AND DID WE MENTION THAT THERE ARE GAMES AND PRIZES?!?! One of which, presumably, is getting that cat pee smell out of your hair and clothes. BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!! For just $450-$750 you can take a pre-cruise tour of Forks, Washington, THE TOWN WHERE TWILIGHT WAS SET! Here’s the itinerary:
Felt Bella wombs? I’ll take two.
After 30 Days of Night director David Slade was announced as the director for the third Twilight movie, /Film uncovered some comments from his since-deleted Twitter account in which he’d discussed the possibility of seeing Twilight…
“Twilight drunk? No, not even drunk. Twilight on acid? No, not even on acid? Twilight at gun point? Just shoot me.”
…Which the Twihards naturally weren’t too happy about. A sampling of responses:
Lola says: “I’d be happy to do the last thing he asked.”
Water Lily says: “I didn’t like those comments, they are embarrasing to the project. Kinda like you kissed a boy and then found out he told every one the week before that you had bad breath.” [editor's note: clearly a hypothetical, given the source]
Joan says: “i vote summit fires this guy b/4 they lose tons of money and make tens of thousands of girls vry vry angry.”
Which brings us to today, and Slade furiously apologizing to Twilight fans, because as we all know, hell hath no fury like a delusional cat lady scorned. Slade’s PR flack Slade writes:
