/Film (via Cinematical) yesterday had a nice feature on the email fight between the Fanboy douchebags that were pissed about Weinstein cutting the cancer subplot of Fanboys, and Steve Brill, the douchebag brought in to direct the Fanboys reshoots (also director of Drillbit Taylor, Without a Paddle, Mr. Deeds, Little Nicky, etc.)

For the record, I think emailing directors to tell them they suck only proves you have too much time on your hands.  I only published Uwe Boll’s email address because I think it sucks that he only fought a bunch of guys he knew he could beat, and because I’m pretty sure I could kick his ass.  I don’t really care about his movies, which aren’t my cup of tea whiskey, I just think another fight is only fair. </ PSA>

Fanboy 1 to Brill
You suck for re-cutting ‘fanboys’.  You really do.

Brill to Fanboy
U suck for e mailing me your bullshit whining. U r gonna like fanboys better because of me and then u can kiss my ass.

On the one hand, a fair response.  On the other, I have no respect for people who can’t type two extra letters in order to not look like an illiterate dipshit. Congratulations, u r a moran.  More letters after the jump.

Fanboy 2 to Brill
Dear Mr. Brill,

I had contacted my theatres booking agent when I first heard about “Fanboys. ” I thought it would be an uplifting and funny change of pace for our theatres.

Now, I realize that it will be the same cut and dried mainstream junk that has been habitually littering our auditoriums.

I am going to contact my booker and suggest that as a company, we do not pick up this film for presentation. You have ruined a wonderful concept.

Sincerely,
Chris

People trying to sound smart are just as bad.  Especially when they don’t know how to use apostrophes or how to properly use the word "habitually".

Brill to Fanboy 2
No. Please god. No Chris… please no. Don’t wield your power against us. I was just trying to help. Please Christopher don’t hold it against the movie. We’ll do anything to gain your trust. You seem so important and so knowledgeable, obviously you have formed a real considered opinion and the fact that you will not book us into your theatre is so unfair. I implore you sir please reconsider. Direct your wrath at me, but don’t take it out on the movie….. What can we do to appease you Chris? You dumb cunt. E mail me again and I will hunt you down fucker… try me.

Just when he’d almost won me back with proper spelling, he commits the sin of hollow threats.  Oh no, a pudgy 45-year old director is going to find me and kick my ass!  Curse you internet, you robot-infested series of tubes you!

Fanboy 3 to Brill
You’re involved with Fanboys for nothing more than a quick buck. You don’t give a damn about the movie, Star Wars or its fans, so why the f**k did you agree to the job? Do you sleep comfortably at night knowing that you’ve bastardised a film that has the potential to become a cult classic for years on end into a movie which will be forgotten about in less than 6 weeks.

Little Nicky was okay, the rest sucked.

Once more, f**k you!

—
Brill to Fanboy 3
Hey Owen. You’re kind of a big mouth tough guy over the internet. Wanna come say f**k you to my face? I’d be happy to give you the chance. How about this tough guy. You and I go head to head in a Star Wars Trivia contest. You think I don’t care about the wars f**ker? I know more about it than you can imagine. I care deeply and have been immersed in Star Wars since it came out. I was there jerk off. I still have my stub. I have seen the trilogy probably a hundred times in the theater! And you dare question my caring. You think I would do it for the money!? I did it to get the movie released! So people like you could see it. But come on. Let’s prove who cares more. Five thousand dollars to the winner of a trivia contest. I’ll donate my winnings to the American Cancer Society…So get ready big shot… If you e mail me again, you better be ready to lose that five thousand.

Oh shit, dawg, you better not say fuck you to this guy’s face, because he’ll kick your fucking ass at fucking Star Wars Trivia, motherfucker.  His .44 make sure all y’all muthafuckin kids don’t grow… in a game of World of Warcraft.  And then you’ll have to pay muthafuckin money to muthafuckin charity.  Bitch.  

Much of this story’s background is boring and esoteric, so let me attempt to sum up:

- The Weinsteins finance a movie about Fanboys, set in 1998, about some friends who break into the Skywalker Ranch so their buddy who’s dying of cancer can see Star Wars Episode I before he dies.
- Weinsteins keep pushing back the release date of the movie, and the rumblings are that the studio wants to cut the cancer element of the plot.
- An internet campaign with 300,000 signatures demand they release the original version of the movie. 

Which brings us to today – The Weinstein company will be releasing both cuts of the film… on DVD.  The studio is "exploring options" for a theatrical release.  And with the movie already out on DVD for the people who care, I’m sure the clamor for a theatrical release will be deafening.  Hoo boy, I hope they don’t burn the theaters down.   

Trailer after the jump. 

Watch the trailer for What Would Jesus Buy

I’ll tell you one thing, Jesus wouldn’t quote an AICN review in his trailer.  Don’t you think you actually lose credibility by quoting a fanboy jackass who likes everything?  Wouldn’t praise be more valuable if it came from, say, a bile-spewing hate monger like myself?  Jesus thinks so; he hates fanboys. 

Anyway, here’s the rundown on What Would Jesus Buy (I’m guessing some new sandals – probably Rainbows):

From producer Morgan Spurlock (Super Size Me) and director Rob VanAlkemade, “What Would Jesus Buy?” examines the commercialization of Christmas in America while following Reverend Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping Gospel Choir on a cross-country mission to save Christmas from the Shopocalypse (the end of humankind from consumerism, over-consumption and the fires of eternal debt.) The film also delves into issues such as the role sweatshops play in America’s mass consumerism and Big-Box Culture.

Ha, he said "Big Box"; an obvious reference to your mom being a slut.