Just to put a bow on this crappy Balloon Boy story, let me get you all up to speed: as you can see over on WarmingGlow, Falcon Heene spilled the beans to Wolf Blitzer, “You guys said we did this for the show,” he said, as Falcon’s dad and his war bride furiously backpedal.  “No, no, ritto boy rying again, Farcon pray tlick on us.*”  In any case, they really missed an opportunity not invited Bear Grylls to the interview.  “Live, from the Situation Room, Falcon, Wolf, and Bear.”

And, as you can see in the video above, Falcon puked on the Today Show.  Poor little dude clearly can’t hold his liquor.  Let this be a lesson to you ladies, always try to help build up your child’s tolerance while he’s still in the womb, like my mom did. Now, let us never speak of this again.

UPDATE: Courtesy of commenter Arbuckle, this is pretty great (click to enlarge):

*I’m paraphrasing, of course

(I would say it’s weird that the kid even turned out to be Asian, but since he never actually flew I guess the comparison’s invalid.)

I was worried I’d look like an a-hole for saying the whole balloon boy story was starting to look like a publicity stunt earlier today if it turned out he’d fallen to his bloody death.  Luckily, he was found alive and this whole story was kind of a waste of time.

The 6-year-old Colorado boy who is believed to have set adrift a helium balloon Thursday, prompting ground and air searches, has been found alive, authorities said.  The balloon landed south of Prospect Springs, Colorado, on Thursday afternoon.  He was found in a box in the attic at his family’s Fort Collins home, according to authorities. [CNN]

That’s funny, a box in the attic is where I keep my six-year-olds. Anyway, it only took about an hour for the world to realize this family are weird attention whores, so while this is all the news we’ve got for now, breathe easy in the knowledge that a child is safe, and in another three or four hours, the world will have another Jon and Kate.  Falcon goes to rehab by 16, bet on it.

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THE LATEST UPDATE: Is that the kid already has a music video out. No, I’m serious.

If you’re nearby, turn on your TV.  A 6-year-old kid is currently flying over Colorado in his parent’s homemade helium-balloon airship.  (Watch live).  It’s currently losing air and about 1,000 feet off the ground, and they’re trying to figure out how to rescue him.

FORT COLLINS. Colo. – Authorities were trying to determine Thursday how to safely bring down a 6-year-old boy who reportedly clambered into his family’s experimental balloon-powered aircraft and floated away from home, sheriff’s officials said.

The Larimer County Sheriff’s Department said the boy’s family had been building an experimental aircraft that had a large helium balloon attached to it at their home, KUSA-TV reported. The aircraft was approximately 20 feet by 5 feet and covered in tin foil, the station said.

On Thursday morning, according to the family and officials, the boy got onto the aircraft and detached the rope holding it in place. Sheriff’s spokeswoman Eloise Campanella said the boy climbed into the access door and the airborne device took off.

Television news helicopters were tracking the craft, which was last seen floating south of Milliken, about 40 miles north of Denver.  Officials were scrambling to figure out how to rescue the boy.  The craft, which is shaped like a flying saucer, has the potential to rise to 10,000 feet, Campanella said. [MSNBC]

Holy crap.  I hope they can get this kid down safely.  He’s going to get so much poontang.  UPDATE: The kid’s name is “Falcon.”  Now that’s a real man’s name.

UPDATE 2: The balloon just touched down softly in a field of plowed dirt.

UPDATE 3: A guy’s saying the kid isn’t in the basket.  …Uh oh.  They latest is that he “may” have fallen out, but no one knows.  Hopefully he’s just chilling in a smoky lounge somewhere watching this all on TV…  Fingers crossed he actually just got abducted.  …What?  Sorry, I’m not good with bad news.

UPDATE 4: So apparently this family has appeared on Wife Swap (click to see the clip over on WarmingGlow)

The Heene family from Colorado live life on the edge. Wife Mayumi (43) and storm scientist Richard (45) take their three kids, Bradford (8), Ryo (7) and Falcon (5), out of school to go on storm chasing missions to prove Richard’s theories about magnetic fields and gravity. If conditions are right, Mayumi wakes her family by shouting “Storm Approaching, Storm Approaching!” into a bullhorn. The family sleep in their clothes so they can leap out of bed and into the storm-mobile. Richard calls Mayumi his ‘ninja wife’; she maintains equipment, drives the storm-mobile, films tornadoes and waits with the kids while Richard jumps on his motorbike, heads into the eye of the storm and launches rockets to measure magnetic forces. At home the family are as chaotic as a twister: the kids have no table manners and throw themselves around the house, and while Richard devotes every moment to his research, he expects Mayumi to cook, clean and run the house without any help..  [ABC]

Christ, is everyone on a reality show these days?  I know somewhere, Walter Cronkite is relieved he never had to begin a sentence “Former Real Chance at Love cast member Lee Harvey Oswald…”  I’m gonna look like an a-hole if this ends tragically, but the reality-show thing ups the chances that this was some kind of stunt like 500%.

UPDATE 5: The kids also made this rap video.  Ugh, I’m done with this story.

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