According to the latest reports, Serene Branson didn’t have a stroke, so I suppose we’re free to laugh at her until we discover some other health problem.  But I agree with Ufford, something about the horrified look on her face when she hears the gibberish coming out of her mouth and realizes she’s powerless to stop it makes me feel more sympathetic than amused.  Not that I’m trying to convince you that I’m a nice guy, I still laughed at this trailer recut.  What can I say, I love a good mashup.  I’d laugh at a rhinoceros cornholing a cripple kid if they got the autotune right.

[thanks to ibishcomedy for sending this over]

"A very, very jefe bertation dareson..."

Once you see the footage, you start to realize Schindler’s List really could use a 3D re-release.  It’s the most immersive holocaust experience of the summer. |AwfulPeople via ClassyHands|

MORNING LINKS

• The first Uproxx feature from our very own Stone Soup: Why Is Volkswagen In The Mood For Italian? |Uproxx|

• Holiday Viewing: Eastbound and Down. |UproxxNews|

• Scientist captured 38 atoms of antimatter, so I guess Vulcan is f*cked. |GammaSquad|

• Yet another furry edition of Corgi Friday. |WarmingGlow|

• Here’s an armless guy who shoots guns with his feet.  Most importantly, he has a sweet bandanna. |WithLeather|

• Pictured: Buffalo receiver Steve Johnson asks “Why So Serious?”  Why so last year, bro? Shoulda gone with “Unstoppable,” or “A Missile the Size of the Chrysler Building.” |via Yahoo|

• Yo Dawg, check out this epic Marc Jacobception. *BRAAAAAAAHM* |TheDailyWhat|

• Point – Counterpoint. Excited for Tron Legacy or don’t give a sh*t? |ScreenJunkies|

• Ke$ha was just as sexy in high school. (Sidenote: Why did I think she was Australian). |WWTDD|

• Justin Bieber performs his new Christian song “Pray.” You’d believe in God too, if you were him. |Buzzfeed|

• 50 Disney spoilers in three minutes. |GorillaMask|

• When Jimmy Buffet goes to a football game, he brings the headshots of all the cheerleaders. Seriously. |BarstoolSports|

• How to write a Ke$ha song. |HolyTaco|

• How to Wash a Cat (Great Instructional Video) |ForkParty|

• Stuff You Should Know: The Illuminati |SmokingJacket|

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Here at FilmDrunk, we’re huge fans of the trailer for Tony Scott’s Unstoppable.  There’s just something compelling about a movie that keeps upping ante, dramatically.  There’s a runaway train, you say?  My God!  Wait, it’s not a TRAIN, it’s actually a MISSILE the size of the CHRYSLER BUILDING?  With NO AIR BRAKES? And Denzell Washinton’s KIDS are on the track?!?  NOT AGAIN! SOMETHING’S GOTTA BE DONE! I DON’T CARE WHAT THAT PENCIL-PUSHIN’ BUREAUCRAT SAYS!

Anyway, like I said, we love Unstoppable, so with the help of our video editor, Oliver, we decided to take the idea to its logical conclusion.  LOOK OUT, THERE’S SOMETHING ON THE TRACKS!  IT’S CUTE AND FUZZY AND POSSIBLY DISABLED!  Enjoy.

[additional thanks to Frotcast listener Gabe]

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Masturbation-hating, non-witch Delaware Senatorial candidate Christine O’Donnell has a new campaign ad out.  Why is it on FilmDrunk, you ask?  Why, because it’s a fake movie trailer referencing the “they rapin’ errybody out there” guy, of course.  It seems that despite having to clarify that she isn’t actually a sorceress in her last ad*, Christine O’Donnell is quite savvy in the ways of the viral video, managing to nail two crucial internet video techniques, the fake trailer and the reference to other recent video.

“HIDE YOUR WILL…  HIDE YOUR LIGHTS… ‘CAUSE HE’S TAXING EVERYBODY OUT HERE.”

Oy.  First politicians on Twitter, now this.  And here I assumed they’d just now be discovering Keyboard Cat.  Anyway, it’s clever of O’Donnell to go after her opponent’s web-savvy base like this.  In order to compete, I hear he’s going to have to catch the greased-up Mexican at the next Tea Party squirrel feed.

*It’s one thing to tell people you’re not a witch, prove it.  They should’ve filmed that commercial with Christine O’Donnell on a scale next to a duck.  Christ, people, do I have to explain everything?

[via Videogum]

The above trailer featuring Michelle Rodriguez playing Citizen Jane in an action-film reimagining of Citizen Kane (“I’d do anything for my Rosebud”) has been making the rounds, along with this poster and tagline, “What would Xanadu?”  The “film” even has an official site, which reads simply:

The 70th anniversary of the film that started it all
Citizen Jane stars Michelle Rodriguez as Charlotte Foster Jane, a lethal assassin hell bent on avenging the murder of her parents in this guns blazing, action packed retelling of Orson Welles [sic] 1941 classic, Citizen Kane.  She will do anything for her Rosebud…

So what’s the story?  Is Hollywood really remaking Citizen Kane to be more spicy and Latin?  Is Rosebud Michelle Rodriguez’ clit? (sample dialog: “I don’t have time to queef,”).   The short answer is… no.

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