They're decent rowers, but their best event is the bicycle built for two

In late 2003, twin Harvard rowers Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss (played by Armie Hammer in The Social Network) hired Mark Zuckerberg to create HarvardConnection, which was basically envisioned as a dating site for Harvard students.  Zuckerberg did some work for them, then basically blew them off to start TheFacebook in early 2004, and the rest is history.  Despite the fact that the idea of Facebook wasn’t any different than Friendster or Myspace and succeeded mainly because the design just worked better, and that Facebook was different than the Winklevoss Twins’ original idea for Harvard Connection, the Winklevoss Twins sued Zuckerberg. In 2008, they received a settlement that included $20 million in cash (hopefully in a briefcase handcuffed to someone’s wrist) and partial ownership of Facebook, now worth $140 million.  Because $160 million for doing essentially nothing wasn’t enough, they appealed the settlement, claiming they’d been misled about the value of the company, and that the settlement was worth less than they had agreed to.  Yesterday, a judge threw out their appeal, telling them to take their ill-begotten money and go row a boat.

The twins had alleged they were misled about Facebook’s value when they agreed to settle their lawsuit that claimed Zuckerberg stole their idea to launch Facebook.
“At some point, litigation must come to an end,” federal appeals court chief justice Alex Kozinksi wrote for the unanimous three-judge panel “That point has now been reached.”
The twins alleged they were misled into believing the company was worth $35.90 a share because of an investment by Microsoft Corp. But they argued that the company later valued the company at $8.88 for tax purposes. The twins argue they would have demanded more stock in the company based on the lower valuation.
Kozinski said the twins were “sophisticated parties” when they agreed to the settlement during a mediation meeting.
“They brought half-a-dozen lawyers to the mediation,” Kozinksi wrote.
Facebook said Monday it was pleased by the ruling. Lawyers for the Winklevoss twins said they are reviewing the decision and have not decided on their next step. The twins could ask the Supreme Court to consider the case. [Yahoo]

Shouldn’t they also have to pay back the money for wasting everyone’s time?  If just having an idea without putting in the effort to actually execute it was worth money, every stoner I know would be a billionaire.  I hate these guys, and it’s not just because they went to Harvard, have a false sense of entitlement, row crew, wear those ugly Oakley glasses, are named “Winklevoss”, have stupid hair and vulgar nipples, and… sorry, I’m blind with rage, I forgot where I was going with this.  Is it just me, or do all crew rowers remind you of a Three Stooges bit without the sense of irony?  Jesus these guys are white. If they had played “Whitey” in a blacksploitation movie people would’ve called it over the top.

Before The Social Network came out, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg had vowed never to see it, dismissing it as a work of fiction and even going so far as to remove The West Wing from his favorite TV shows after he heard it was Social Net screenwriter Aaron Sorkin’s show.  But contrary to the movie, he’s not actually a super villain who lives in the penthouse of a clock tower with a hairless cat, he’s just a 20-something dude.  And what 20-something dude could resist seeing it if David Fincher made a movie out of his life?  Zuckerberg recently admitted to USWeekly that he’d taken his employees to a screening party, where they drank apple martinis like Justin Timberlake did in the movie.

Zuckerberg was asked about the difference between the movie and what he experienced while creating Facebook. “Where do you want to start?” he asked. Every shirt and fleece worn by the actor (Jesse Eisenberg) who played him was one he had actually worn, Zuckerberg said. The movie got a lot of stuff wrong and random details right, he said.
Reviewing the film thematically, Zuckerberg said it featured a girl who was not part of his real life. In the movie she dumped him, which, he joked, happened to him often. “They framed it as if I wanted to get girls or into some social institution,” Zuckerberg said. “I’ve been dating the same girl since before Facebook.” He concluded that the filmmakers “can’t wrap their head around the idea that someone might build something because they like building things.” [Yahoo]

I respect that Sorkin was able to write an entertaining movie about these dorks, but the fact that he still seems to think he was blowing the lid off a ring of woman-hating megalomaniacs makes him sound like a class-A Hollywood fart huffer.  Professor Appletini here is supposed to be a misogynist?  If I was Mark Zuckerberg, I’d be telling people “People can’t wrap their head around the idea that someone might build something because they like being KNEE-DEEP IN BUSTY TEENS!”  Then I’d flick my tongue at the interviewer like Gene Simmons and ride off on a high-speed cigarette boat, doing that “suck it” thing in between hip thrusts.  But fast cars and fast sluts are kind of my thing.

"That shirt's not cool. You know what's cool? A billion bong hits."

In the Social Network, Napster co-founder and Facebook founding president Sean Parker was played by Justin Timberlake.  Zuckerberg right-hand man Dustin Moskovitz was more of a background character, played by Joseph Mazzello (the kid from Jurassic Park and The Pacific).  Now, two weeks after Mark Zuckerberg gave the Newark public school system $100 million (try not to blow it on fake tanner and Affliction shirts), Fanning and Moskovitz are making headlines for big charity donations of their own.  (*takes huge bong load*)  What was it again?  (*coughs*) Crap, dude, I totally forgot.

Not to be outdone by Moskovitz, America’s youngest billionaire, who gave $70,000 to California’s Proposition 19, Parker has donated $100,000 to the ballot initiative that would make it legal to possess the drug for personal use.
The gift affirms the 30-year-old’s reputation for generosity [and for doing drugs -Ed.], and puts him in a small but select group of very wealthy donors to pro-marijuana causes, including Moskovitz and Progressive Corp. billionaire Peter Lewis. [Forbes]

Good for them.  It’s just too bad they couldn’t use some of that money to pay for a gubernatorial candidate anyone gives a sh*t about.  I mean, politicians, amirite?  Hey, and what’s the deal with airline food… Anyway, sometimes I like to imagine working at Forbes, where you spend all day writing about stocks and tax shelters and the world’s youngest billionaires, all while making forty grand a year.  Fun.

Also, I made this for some reason:

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At their best, Aaron Sorkin scripts are driven by engaging, thought-provoking dialogue that still manages to sound natural. At their worst, they become rapid-fire word gauntlets where shrill actors talk-rape you with lines that communicate little more than “I was quite pleased with myself when I came up with this.”

This second teaser for David Fincher’s The Social Network (written by Sorkin, based on the Ben Mezrich book The Accidental Billionaires: The Founding of Facebook: A Tale of Sex, Money, Genius and Betrayal*) is closer to the latter.  Hard to know if it’s the movie’s fault or just the trailer editor, since it seems mostly like a tighter-edited version of an earlier, much less-annoying version.  Anyway, it stars Jesse Eisenberg, Scarfield (they say he won his Spider-Man role based on this performance), Justin Timberlake, Rashida Jones, and Joe Mazzello.  I can only hope the movie is less obnoxious than this teaser, because I had the overwhelming urge to punch someone even before they got to the “We’re gentlemen of Harvard,” line.  Drama!  Yelling!  Gravitas!  Timberlake! (*fart sound*)

*Jesus, what is it with ridiculous subtitles these days?  It’s like they’re trying to search engine optimize book titles now.  You only get one colon, dude, this isn’t Human Centipede.

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: Would you want to see a movie about Facebook?

The Social Network started out sounding like one of those Magic 8-Ball/Bazooka Joe movie concepts (Facebook is popular!  It should be a movie!).  But then when we heard it was based on a book about Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, and that David Fincher was directing a script by Aaron Sorkin, we realized it was serious.  But even knowing that, before this new teaser trailer hit the web, I didn’t realize it was Inception-trailer-bass-sound serious.

“We have an idea that we’d like to talk to you about.”

(*BRAAAAAAAAHM*)

“Who should we send it to first?”
“Just a couple of people.  The question is, who are they gonna send it to.”

(*BRAAAAAAAAHM*)

“The site got twenty-two hundred hits within two hours?”
“Thousand. Twenty-two thousand.”

(*BRAAAAAAAAHM*)

“A million dollars isn’t cool.  You know what’s cool?  A billion dollars.”

(*BRAAAAAAAAHM*)

Their braaaahm sound isn’t as bassy as the Inception braaaaahm sound, which I assume indicates less gravitas. Still, it sounds pretty serious. (*BRAAAAAAAAHM*) It’s like the movie trailer equivalent of David Caruso putting on his sunglasses.

[via Pajiba]