FilmDrunk’s very own video editor guy, Oliver Noble, put together this fine mash up of masturbation-hating, possible witch, Delaware Senatorial candidate Christine O’Donnell, and The Crucible.  It imagines what O’Donnell’s life would’ve been like had she been alive in the 1690s, and the only thing standing between her and a flaming witch pyre was Daniel Day-Lewis.  I always get the modern adaptation of Arthur Miller’s The Crucible starring Winona Ryder and Daniel Day-Lewis, mixed up with the Demi Moore/Gary Oldman Scarlett Letter. They both came out during 1995/1996′s witch fever, which also saw the release of The Craft and the subsequent, terrifying near-stardom of Fairuza Balk.  (The soundtrack to that included Our Lady Peace, Sponge, Elastica, AND Spacehog, incidentally).

More to the point, it seems like every show, Bill Maher has 10 new clips of Christine O’Donnell on his old show, Politically Incorrect, back when no one knew who she was.  He must have had her on 20 times.  Which makes me wonder: Is Bill Maher partially to blame for Christine O’Donnell being famous enough to run for Senate?  Discuss.

Transformers 3 was recently shooting in downtown Chicago, and FilmDrunkard Mike was kind enough to take some pictures and send them to me. Plenty of other sites have pictures from the same set.  There are many like it, but these ones are mine.  Without these Transformers pics, I am useless.  Without me, these Transformers pics are useless.

Anyway, I’m not sure if the cars with guns all over them are supposed to be Transformers or what.  I was under the impression that the tagline was “Robots in disguise”, hence, changing into a car was meant to disguise the Transformers’ true, gun shoot-y nature, and having guns all over your disguise generally seems counter productive.  But try telling that to Michael Bay.  He’d attach guns to his pet snow leopards if he could push through the permits.

The one above kind of looks like it’s supposed to be a NASCAR stock car (the windshield, the tires, the number), but then the grill and headlights are different.  No one seems to know NASCAR’s exact involvement, but I’d imagine the main benefit is Michael Bay finally having an excuse to just paint ads all over the cars.  I’ve heard he directs movies wearing a custom silk robe with corporate sponsor patches all over it.  And nothing else.

“So what do you think would appeal to Transformers fans?”

“NASCAR, guns…”

“Perfect. MEETING ADJOURNED.”

EXCLUSIVE!  EXCLUSIVE!  EXCLUSIVE!

Sorry, that was just my Tourette’s acting up.  CLITORIS! BOOGERS!  Nonetheless, this story IS an exclusive (and keep in mind, my last two exclusives have since been confirmed by the trades).  Variety today reports that the awesome Timothy Olyphant will be replacing the similarly legit Sharlto Copley in I Am Number Four, the Michael Bay-produced, DJ Caruso-directed, aliens-in-high-school movie.  This was Variety‘s official (read: not true) reason for the switch:

“Scheduling conflicts with his upcoming press obligations for Fox’s ‘The A-Team.’”

Right, as if Dreamworks wouldn’t have known his press obligations from the beginning.  Luckily, the real story is much funnier.  The real story, and I promise I’m not making this up, is that Sharlto Copley wanted wear a prosthetic nose and fake ears like Spock and look like an alien in the movie, while director DJ Caruso was adamant that the aliens were supposed to look just like regular humans, hence why they’re able to fit in.  This was apparently such a sticking point that neither would budge, and Copley left the project.  Haha, I love you, Hollywood egos.  What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall during that argument.

“But you said I got ta be da alien!”

“Nuh uh! You got ta be da alien last time!”

“I hate you!  I’m not guh be your friend no more!”

*grabs juice box, storms out*

*Michael Bay blows up a frog with a fire cracker*

An artist's conception of what it might look like if these chicks almost touched boobs.

I can’t watch Glee, and it’s not because I’m homophobic — I still love Project Runway and have even watched Shear Genius once or twice — I just loathe campy musicals.  Nonetheless, for all you queerbaits who do love that show, Glee‘s Dianna Agron (left) has signed for I Am Number Four, the Michael Bay-produced, DJ Caruso-directed, aliens-in-high-school movie, based on the upcoming book by James Frey and Jobie Hughes. Here is the cast as it now stands, including (in bold) the two that I can report exclusively (TOLDJA TOLDJA TOLDJA! — sorry, bloggers are supposed to do that, right?).  And you know you can trust me because I reported the casting of the lead two weeks before the trades, and because my mom says when I sleep I have the face of an angel.

Alex Pettyfer – John/Number 4
Teresa Palmer – Number 6
Sharlto Copley – Henri (Number 4′s guardian and mentor who comes to Earth with him)
Kevin Durand – The Commander
Dianna Agron – Sarah (girl dating the head jock who falls for Number 4)
Callan McAuliffe – Sam (Number 4′s best friend)

From what I understand, John is the lead, the good alien who flees his planet, Lorien, from the Mogadorians, led by Kevin Durand’s character, who chased them to Earth.  I know, I know, it sounds pretty silly.  But then again, there were lots of aliens at my high school.  Mostly in my Spanish class.  And now that I think about it, they must’ve had super powers because it was almost as if they knew the material before it was even taught.

These pictures aren’t that groundbreaking, but, like a handicapped pet or child, they’re mine so I love them.  They’re from the set of 4 Fast 4 Furious in Magdalena, Sonora, Mexico, and they come by way of loyal FilmDrunkard Watanabex.  You can relive all the magic of the first Fast and the Furious: look, there’s the muscle car!  Ooh, and Vin Diesel and Paul Walker!  Remember them?  They used to be movie stars!

In this installment, Paul Walker, newly released from prison, teams up with Vin Diesel and "the feds" to bring down a heroin importer by infiltrating his operation.  Later that day, Paul Walker spent his per diem on a twisty-necked Corona bottle and "Last Supper" relief made of glitter.