If only Danger Guerrero had been around Pakistan in the late 80s, we might be reading a Scene Breakdown of International Guerillas, a forgotten action film recently remembered by EverythingIsTerrible (doing the lord’s work as always). Old-school religion, cutting edge (for 1989) production values, and a torn-from-the-headlines plot combine in this cult favorite, a combination Kirk Cameron would later exploit in the film where he beat up his computer for showing him porn. Ahh, how far we’ve come.

Shortly after Ayatollah Khomeini issued a fatwā against Salman Rushdie for writing The Satanic Verses, Pakistani filmmakers punched out International Guerillas, a deranged exploitation flick starring a faux-Rushdie as a blasphemous crime lord.
In the film, Rushdie [whom I too hate, but only because he used to bang Padma -Ed] dwells on an island fortress, scheming with the Israeli military [Of course] to corrupt pious Muslims with casinos and discotheques. After the film’s trio of protagonists sneak on to the author’s headquarters with Batman costumes, a group of floating Korans inexplicably fly down from the sky and annihilate Rushdie with lasers and/or lighting bolts.[I09]

As if that could get any better, when the flying Korans (which look curiously like X-Wing fighters from Star Wars) begin shooting their Allahu Akbar bolts at faux-Rushdie, they make those old-timey ricochet sound effects from old westerns. PEW! PANG! PIKUUU! I like it. I wouldn’t have been so hard on Islam if I’d known how deeply it was influenced by Batman (Robin is his prophet?). They should try to publicize that more. Maybe emphasize the Batman angle and go lighter on the burkas and teetotaling. Just spitballin’ here.
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This weekend, two of my favorite entities, Cinefamily and EverythingisTerrible, are joining forces for the 2nd annual Everything Is festival in LA, featuring Andrew WK, Neil Hamburger, a panel with Conan O’Brien’s writers, and a ridiculous amount of awesome, harder-to-describe stuff, including screenings of Sledgehammer and Brain Bludgeon sponsored by our buddy Evan Husney from Severin Films, and collections of movie supercuts including a few from our very own Oliver Noble.  If you’re cool, you should go.  …You are cool, aren’t you?  Oh man. I’m starting to wonder if this whole invite was a mistake.

The video here is their idea of a trailer for the event.  It features John Cassavetes’ performance in the 1982 film, Incubus, and his portrayal of a man with a singular obsession: sperm.  Seriously, everything is always sperm sperm sperm with this guy. He eats, sleeps, drinks and sh*ts sperm. Not only just “sperm”, but “an incredible amount of sperm” and “a hell of a lot sperm,” and “buckets and buckets of sperm.”  Talking about sperm is one thing, but constantly including quantities just takes it to another level.  Why do I get the feeling I’ve seen this film already?  Anyway, here’s Cinefamily’s description of the festival:

It’s a kind of gonzo convention for the most insane collectors of film and video ephemera (all of our friends basically), mixed in with with all of our favorite people on frontier of the comedy scene — people pushing the envelope of what comedy even is. Is that funny or just f*ckin’ weird? [Cinefamily]

And because I’m such a nice guy, I’ve got three tickets to the event of your choice, for the first person who can email me and tell me what movie is being parodied in the credits of this video. That’s right, three. You can bring your significant other and whatever pretty young thing you pick up at the truck stop.

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This super hip yellow dinosaur teaches kids to avoid pedophiles. You know, tricky people like “Reginald Charming” here. |EverythingisTerrible|

MORNING LINKS

Tina Fey hosting SNL while pregnant. |WarmingGlow|

Gay guys kiss at Indians game in Cleveland, America’s gayest city. |WithLeather|

Want to invest in a jet pack company? |GammaSquad|

This week’s Frotcast might be one of our best: Bob Ray talks guinea pigs, cocaine. |Frotcast|

This week’s KSK mailbag. |KissingSuzyKolber|

F-35 Ejector Seat Tested At 600 MPH |Buzzfeed|

7 Annoying People You’ll Meet On The Subway |CoedMag|

January Jones seems bitchy. |TheSuperficial|

Dancing with the Stars dancer to pose in Playboy, possibly get fired because ABC are hypocritical, squat-to-pee shrivs. |WWTDD|

PICTURED: Was this FilmDrunkard threatening me? You be the judge.

The 2011 Masters Drinking Game |Brobible|

A map of American stereotypes by region. |TheDailyWhat|

Dude wearing a purple polo knocks some dude out. |BostonBarstoolSports|

A nice recap of the AOL/Moviefone/Huffpo/Cinematical situation, in case you were wondering. |DaveChen|

Dutch gameshow contestant spells “cumshot”. |NYCBarstool|

5 Comedy Icons As Comic Book Superheroes |NextMovie|

The Greatest Thong Scenes in Cinema History. |ScreenJunkies|

Camille Holbrook shows off the rare “Elbow Bra”. |GorillaMask|

Pencil art is more legit than it sounds. |HolyTaco|

FilmDrunk on Facebook. FilmDrunk on Twitter. The Frotcast on iTunes. Comments of the week. FilmDrunk Shirts

Despite the fact that Xuxa warranted only a small, anomalous blip in my childhood memories, she apparently had the second highest selling album in the history of Brazil and at one point had amassed a $470 million fortune.  I remember her mostly for her short-lived English kids show, but she also posed for Playboy, just in case you’re feeling Google Image Search-y.  Mmm-mm, ain’t no P like host-of-a-children’s show P, am I right, bros?

Anyway, in this video, a bunch of Brazilian kids are busy beating each other up, but then Xuxa shows up on her white motorcycle and her dog puppet teaches them how to do graffiti.  Later that day, Will Smith popped in to film the intro to Fresh Prince of Bel Air and all the kids moved to New York where they taught Johnny 5 to steal car stereos.  At least, that’s how I remember it.

[EverythingisTerrible via OhHaveYouseenthis]

EverythingisTerrible found this old video, which promises an exclusive look inside the private life of that famous heartthrob from Romeo and Juliet, Leonardo DiCaprio.  He. Is. So. Fine.  Some of the things you might learn from this video about 1995′s hottest Tiger Beat cover boy:

• “He was actually named for Leonardo Da Vinci, so that gives you some indication of how artistic his parents were.”
• “Leo loves doing karate kicks.”
• “He was actually such a misfit child that some kids called him ‘Leonardo Retardo.’”
• “If Frank Sinatra and his gang were called the Rat Pack, Leo and his pals are called ‘The Cat Pack.’  They’re always chasing girls.”

And no, I did not make any of those quotes up.  EverythingisTerrible deserves an Oscar for finding this.

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