“Hey, Okapi.  I know giraffes get all the press, but I think you’re pretty special too.  I wrote a ukulele song about your zebra legs.  Haha, stop licking me, Okapi, that tickles!”

So Ryan Gosling visited the zoo in Cincinnati, and the photographers unforgivably failed to capture a picture of Baby Goose with a baby goose.  On the plus side, I no longer need Photoshop to imagine what Baby Goose would look like with a sloth. Would you like to see the rest of the pictures?  Haha, come with me, girl!

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It’s been a few years since I cared about anything Woody Allen’s done, but Whatever Works teams him with Larry David, Evan Rachel Wood, and, after five years away, New York.  Here’s to hoping he’s finally dropped the European arthouse pretensions (and along with it, dialog like “let’s not have another turgid discussion about categorical imperatives”).  Then again, Larry David working with Woody Allen has the potential to create a fireball of Jewish neurosis so big that it could consume the entire Earth.  Squeeze Gilbert Gottfried onto the production staff somehow and the movie’d just be two hours of a guy walking in circles pondering his own mortality.

(I added some Evan Rachel Wood pictures for… uh… scale.)

The current issue of GQ has a feature and photo spread on Evan Rachel Wood – whom you may remember from The Wrestler, Thirteen, and her pervy Marilyn Manson video – and they were kind enough to send over some photos.  They say...

Evan Rachel Wood is that rare and ruinous combination of innocent girl next door and kinky neighbor down the street. [...] Recently, she was linked with her Wrestler co-star, the 56-year-old Mickey Rourke. “There was no truth to it, and it was so annoying,” says Wood, now 21, who is back with Manson after “taking some time” away from the relationship. Of Rourke, she says: “The friendship was intimate and nice, and this makes it weird.”

I say: I like this picture where she’s kinda spread eagled the best.  It makes me picture her vagina for some reason.  I guess I’m old fashioned like that.

Watchmen “visionary director” Zack Snyder’s next project is called Sucker Punch, and it was recently announced that the cast will include sexy near-jailbait Amanda Seyfried, Evan Rachel Wood, Abbie Cornish, Emma Stone, and Vanessa Hudgens [does anyone else constantly misread her name as Amanda Hugginkiss?  Just me then?].

Snyder, who co-wrote the script with Steve Shibuya, has described the fantasy world as ” ‘Alice in Wonderland’ with machine guns,” blending such elements as dragons, B-52 bombers and brothels. [No tigers?]
Set in the 1950s, “Punch” follows a girl who is confined to a mental institution by her stepfather, who intends to have her lobotomized in five days. While there, she imagines an alternative reality to hide her from the pain, and in that world, she begins planning her escape, needing to steal five objects to help get her out before she is deflowered by a vile man. [THR]

Vile? Hey, screw you, man.  Don’t try to make it like I’m the pervy one.  A fetish for lobotomites is no different than one for feet or Asians or amputees.  I put the vile in virile.  Call me, ladies.  Or have your nurse do it.

[Trailer after the jump or in HD at Apple] 

In Life Before Her Eyes, Uma Thurman thinks back and reminisces about the days when she was hot jailbait like Evan Rachel Wood (she’s the one who made the pervy video with boyfriend Marilyn Manson. She’s also a pretty good actress.  You know, if you’re into that).

Based on Laura Kasischke’s visionary novel, the story hinges on a pivotal confrontation: two high school girls held captive by a gunman and forced to make the terrifying choice as to who will live and who will die. Moving backwards and forwards in time, it combines the dramatic intensity of Sophie’s Choice [!] with the eerie mystery of a ghost story like The Others [!!].

So basically it’s like Thelma and Louise meets Hellraiser.  You see, the interesting thing about this movie is …uh …it’s kind of like …hmm.  Sorry, I got nothing.