Last weekend, Conan the Barbarian opened to a meager $10 million, and while it could very well make a ton of money over the next few weeks and eventually in DVD and Blu-Ray, it’s a complete bomb. The remake of the Arnold Schwarzenegger semi-classic cost $90 million, and it’s very likely that horrendous reviews and a complete lack of star power doomed the new version from the start.

And while we hope that some producers have removed their noses from the mountains of cocaine that make these remakes seem like good ideas and taken notice, they probably haven’t and we’ll likely never see the end of these doomed turds. But at least one of the people responsible for Conan recognizes that there’s something wrong with the entire process.

Sean Hood is one of the four writers responsible for Conan the Fartbrarian (trademark pending) and he posted his thoughts and feelings on what it’s like to bomb at the box office on the website Quora yesterday. Hood explained:

When you work “above the line” on a movie (writer, director, actor, producer, etc.) watching it flop at the box office is devastating. I had such an experience during the opening weekend of Conan the Barbarian 3D.

And the pity party only gets worse from there. Excerpts after the jump.

Read the rest of this entry »

When Lionsgate first announced that they had a movie starring Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher, I was all like, “Whoa, no way!” And when it was revealed that Kutcher would play a hitman who falls in love with Heigl’s Plain Jane to hilarious consequences, I was like, “Haha, awesome!” But now Lionsgate has pulled the film The Killers from advanced critic screenings, and I’m all like, “No way, bummer dude.”

Lionsgate’s decision is typical for a film that can only be described as a fossilized goat turd, as studio executives have watched it and determined it’s a complete and utter bomb ahead of time. This method is used to stop critics from destroying any hopes Lionsgate may have of ripping off the public on opening weekend. But Lionsgate denies this, stating that the decision was made because word travels so quickly now that they wanted critics and the regular audience to experience the film at the same time.

Wank dismissively with me, LA Times’ The Big Picture:

Still, it’s one thing to keep critics away–and another thing to come up with a preposterous excuse for doing so. I guess people in Hollywood just love to tell whoppers, which is the nice way of saying that when things go wrong they come up with explanations that are about as believable as BP’s rationale for why its Deepwater Horizon oil spill has been sending as much as 100,000 barrels of crude oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico every day.

When a wintertime movie has a lousy opening, you often read quotes from the studio’s distribution chief blaming it on an East Coast snowstorm. When a director quits a film two weeks before it was supposed to start shooting, you always hear about “creative differences,” when it’s really because the filmmaker, after having one too many screaming fights with the star, said “It’s him or me.”

After the jump, you can read the full statement from the Lionsgate representative. Maybe I’m being too hard on him, but I thought it was a little rude to begin it with: “Dear Retards.”

Read the rest of this entry »

(“Dey make me wear thees ovair my eye so dat I don’t get esleepy.”)

Paramount’s decision to only screen G.I. Joe for critics handpicked by the studio and their phoney-baloney empty gestures at patriotism (they won’t actually put the US military in their movie but they’ll bend over backwards to use them for marketing – you’re not fooling anyone, you pieces of sh*t) were looking good as of a few days ago when the film was tracking 91% on rottentomatoes.  Now that a few people have actually seen it… not so much.  It’s down to 41% as of this writing, and the only point of contention seems to be whether it’s just really stupid, or so stupid that it’s kind of fascinating, like a retard who remembers to breathe.  I think the British reviews are my favorite:

“You wonder how the actors kept straight faces making this shameless codswallop.” -The Daily Express.

Codswallop?  Did he just compare the movie to getting hit with a fish?  I think that’s my new favorite word.  “Waiter?  Back to the kitchen, and take this codswallop with you!  We are men, not grizzly bears.”

“I was more excited by last week’s G-Force 3-D, if only because the guinea pigs give the better performances.” -The Independent.  [ho snap!]

“G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobblers, as it must now be known, is a 118-minute war crime that does for the army what Steve Martin’s Inspector Clouseau did for the French police force – except with more fake-looking explosions.” -NewsoftheWorld

Rise of Cobblers?  Is… he saying fixing shoes… is a war crime?  I’m so confused.

Watching “G.I. Joe” is like being slapped across the face with utility-grade meat for two hours and for all I know, that is exactly what screenwriters Stuart Beattie and David Elliot & Paul Lovett did to get themselves in the proper frame of mind. -eFilmCritic

Ding ding ding!   We have a winner.  Allow me to paraphrase: “YOUR MOVIE IS LIKE GETTING SLAPPED WITH POOR PEOPLE DICKS, YOUR MOM’S FAVORITE HOBBIE.”

Read the rest of this entry »