The Emmys happened last night, and if you were lucky enough not to watch, I’ll give you the recap. First of all, as a self-congratulatory circle jerk, the Emmys make the Oscars look tame. They have so many goddamned categories they might as well give everyone a trophy at the door.
To give you an idea of how much it sucked, the hosts were Ryan Seacrest, Howie Mandel, Jeff Probst from Survivor, Heidi Klum, and that annoying jagoff who replaced Saget on America’s Funniest Home Videos. They set the tone for the night with their opening bit, which I shit you not was 15 minutes of them swearing they hadn’t actually written an opening bit. “No seriously, this isn’t a joke, we actually couldn’t come up with anything.” Yeah? How ’bout you get the f-ck off the stage then.
And throughout the night, presenters would say stuff like, “No, really, there’s nothing on the teleprompter right now, the producer keeps waving at me, hee hee ha ha ho ho….” We get it, it’s live, you’re ad libbing, congratulations, you’re a genius. The only one who was funny was Don Rickles, who, instead of saying he wasn’t reading off the teleprompter, made it clear he was going off teleprompter by ripping on what was on it. That’s right, everyone there got outshined by Don Rickles, who’s 160 years old. Though extra points for Conan O’Brien for dissing Katherine Heigl. “At this point, I had planned on doing a few more jokes, but Katherine Heigl told me she didn’t think my material was Emmy-worthy.” Burn. List of winners after the jump.
UPDATE: You can see some video of the opening here.