Jew Zombie Killers Can’t Hump: A Zombieland Review
Zombieland is a road movie about two of the last survivors of the zombie plague, who don’t really have anywhere to go. They’re instead driven by their desires: Woody Harrelson’s “Tallahassee” a desire to find the last Twinkies on Earth, and Jesse Eisenberg’s “Columbus” to finally kiss a girl. It’s a sort of funny premise for a sort of funny movie. A movie that turns out to be a lot like the Twinkie — tasty enough, but provides little nutritional value, and after you’re done you feel kind of dirty. It’s pleasant going down*, but you get the sense that the whole thing was ultra processed, created using proven science formulas to manipulate the consumer’s senses in a specific way. Crap, this is a really good analogy, someone call USA Today.
Below you can watch the red-band trailer for Zombieland — from director Ruben Fleischer starring Woody Harrelson and Jesse Eisenberg — a film I just can’t bring myself to care about. I mean, sure, it looks pretty, as you can see from the screencap above, it’s just that once you strip away the bigger budget, isn’t it just Shaun of the Dead starring two guys with less comedic chops? Now, I know what you’re thinking - “But dood, it’s a zombie stripper, ZOMGLOL!” True. But even that kind of reminds me of something else. Namely, Zombie Strippers. Bottom line, it doesn’t look horrible, it just looks like something I’ve seen before. Kinda like your tits, mom, now leave me alone I’m trying to eat breakfast.
Zombieland is a film with a concept so boring I can barely bring myself to write about it. It stars Woody Harrelson and Jesse Eisenberg as Columbus and Tallahassee (get it? their names are cities!), two guys who kill zombies. The zombies chase them and want to eat their brains, but they kill them in funny ways, and somehow this goes on for two hours.
Columbus is a big wuss — but when you’re afraid of being eaten by zombies, fear can keep you alive. Tallahassee is an AK-toting, zombie-slaying’ bad ass whose single determination is to get the last Twinkie on earth. As they join forces with Wichita [Emma Stone] and Little Rock [Abigail Breslin], who have also found unique ways to survive the zombie mayhem, they will have to determine which is worse: relying on each other or succumbing to the zombies. [IMDB]
Well it’s a good thing they didn’t rely on cheap gimmicks. This movie feels like it was written by Judah Friedlander’s hat.
[Also available in HD at Apple]
Here’s a rundown of some of today’s “other” stories
Watchmen “visionary director” Zack Snyder’s next project is called Sucker Punch, and it was recently announced that the cast will include sexy near-jailbait Amanda Seyfried, Evan Rachel Wood, Abbie Cornish, Emma Stone, and Vanessa Hudgens [does anyone else constantly misread her name as Amanda Hugginkiss? Just me then?].
Snyder, who co-wrote the script with Steve Shibuya, has described the fantasy world as ” ‘Alice in Wonderland’ with machine guns,” blending such elements as dragons, B-52 bombers and brothels. [No tigers?]
Set in the 1950s, “Punch” follows a girl who is confined to a mental institution by her stepfather, who intends to have her lobotomized in five days. While there, she imagines an alternative reality to hide her from the pain, and in that world, she begins planning her escape, needing to steal five objects to help get her out before she is deflowered by a vile man. [THR]
Vile? Hey, screw you, man. Don’t try to make it like I’m the pervy one. A fetish for lobotomites is no different than one for feet or Asians or amputees. I put the vile in virile. Call me, ladies. Or have your nurse do it.
