All year I’ve been sitting through movies like I Am Number Four, Cowboys and Aliens, Super 8, Monsters, Skyline, Transformers 3, Battleship, Battle: Los Angeles, Green Lantern, Attack the Block, Thor… thinking, “Jeez, when is someone finally going to make a movie about an alien invasion?”

It looks like director Chris Gorak and producer Timur Bekmambetov (Wanted) have finally answered my prayers, with The Darkest Hour, from Summit Entertainment, starring Emile Hirsch and Olivia Thirlby (or as I like to call her, OLIVIA THRILLBY!). This time around, the aliens attack Moscow (they’re trying to steal our expensive whores!). The twist is, this time, the aliens are invisible! And they can see us with infrared heat vision! This new wrinkle really turns the idea on its head, doesn’t it? I mean, I’ve never seen something like that before. Except in Predator. Which they remade last year.

“ALIENS! CHICK SCIENTIST! ‘SPLOSIONS! THE MILITARY!” -Every movie for the last five years.

[HD Trailer at Apple]

"Alas, poor Yorick, I just stomped your yard, homey."

There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just give it to you straight: Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke’s planned contemporary Shakespeare adaptation, Haml3t, is no longer happening.  It’s such a shame, I’ve always said that what the world really needs is more variations on Hamlet.

Here’s what we’re missing:

“It’s a modern-day film, set at a liberal-arts college where words matter [almost as much as Quidditch] — so people are careful and talk in beautiful language, and Hamlet tries to express himself through music,” Hardwicke explained.  “So, we’re using some of the cooler Shakespeare language, in a musical way. My Hamlet is like an aspiring rock star. He’s got six people that go to his performances, go to clubs and listen to him. It’s like an early Kurt Cobain.”

The idea is that Emile Hirsch’s take on the character will blend a unique mix of music, sincerity and Shakespearean prose to re-envision the 400-year-old character not as a vengeful prince, but as a credibility-sensitive indie musician attending a school like Berklee.

So yeah, that’s not happening anymore.  Such a shame, I couldn’t wait to see how the art school premise worked with the junior college dropout title (what’s the three for? is Three Six mafia writing the music?).  On the plus side, this does leave room for some of the contemporized Shakespeare adaptations I had planned.  Such as:

• Macb3th
• 3 M3rchants, 3 V3nice
• St3p Up 2 Tame the Shr3w 3D
• A Midsummer Night’s Dream: The Traps Come Alive
• Much Ado 2: Electric Boogaloo
• As U Lik3 i+
• OtHELL0 #1 mUch <3 BiGdizzD$$HolLatchABoyee 1ago IZZA BeyoTcccH

Catherine Hardwicke made Lords of Dogtown and Thirteen, which weren’t terrible, so it might be slightly unfair to label her “the director of Twilight.”   Then again, she’s now making a Shakespeare movie with a number in the title.  You can find her on MySpace under I♥RpattZ~RIPbiLLy$hak3zzz.  And now, some sh’t that doesn’t seem real:

“It’s a modern-day film, set at a liberal-arts college where words matter — so people are careful and talk in beautiful language, and Hamlet tries to express himself through music,” Hardwicke explained recently, saying that her “Hamlet” reinterpretation will continue the filmmaker’s love affair with music [you like music? holy sh't, next you'll tell me you enjoy having fun, it's like we're soul mates!  we're the most unique people in the world!] by combining the spirit of the legendary Nirvana frontman with the Bard. “So, we’re using some of the cooler Shakespeare language, in a musical way. [My Hamlet] is like an [aspiring] rock star. He’s got six people* that go to his performances, go to clubs and listen to him. It’s like an early Kurt Cobain.”

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Hamlet got made in 2000 with Ethan Hawke, in 1990 with Mel Gibson, and in 1996 with Kenneth Branagh, so why not, let’s make another one.  With Emile Hirsch and Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke.

Ron Nyswaner, best known for penning Oscar winner “Philadelphia,” will write the script. The new “Hamlet” will center on similar themes as the original play but will be set in contemporary America. In the new version, a young man must decide whether to kill his uncle to avenge the death of his father. [THR]

Says Hardwicke, “I had a great time working with Emile on Lords of Dogtown, so when he suggested Hamlet, I was intrigued. We read the play aloud and when I heard Emile speaking Shakespeare’s amazing words, I was flooded with images. We edited the play tightly, making the words extremely accessible. In our version, we’re working hard to make Hamlet a thrilling cinematic experience – the violent, intense, and romantic scenes that happen ‘off-stage’ in the play will be shown in vivid detail.” [/Film]

To wank dismissively or not to wank… ’tis not even a question.

After the jump, watch the trailer forTaking Woodstock, Brokeback/Crouching Tiger director Ang Lee’s latest film.  “Based on a true story” (whatever the hell that means any more), it stars comedian Dmitri Martin as Elliot Tiber, a closeted gay man living with his parents in upstate New York who offers his family’s property as the venue for the Woodstock festival.  I’m pretty excited about this – it’s so rare that my generation gets to relive the 60s through pop culture these days.  Please, tell me more about Bob Dylan and the Vietnam war protests. I’m on the edge of my seat.

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