My, what a mighty big space between the eyes you have.

Ok dorks, let’s do a quick rundown of movies that are opening this weekend. Skinny Marinky Vinky Dink started doing this last week, then promptly bailed and left it to the blogsitters. Professional. Fun fact: despite being Uproxx’s preeminent fill-in movie blogger (What the hell is a “Burnsy”?), I have never heard of most of these movies. And away we go.

RED RIDING HOOD: Amanda Seyfriend stars as a girl whose movie should get eaten by a wolf.
Rotten Tomatoes score: 7% (HOLY SH*T, 7%)
Gratuitous review quotes:

“Another idiot child of “Twilight,” “Red Riding Hood,” directed by original “Twilight” director Catherine Hardwicke (“Thirteen”), arrives, and the Twi-hards are about to get hoodwinked.” – Boston Herald

“[Hardwicke] has a gift for taking situations of bloodcurdling thrills and investing them with all of the drama of a sophomore fussing over her prom date.” – New York Post

Armchair analysis: Yeesh (*tugs collar*)
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CHUD was the first to break these two pictures of Carla Gugino in Women in Trouble, which isn’t out but already has a planned sequel.  You may remember her from Son in Law? Anyway, she plays Elektra Luxx, a pornstar “who has her life turned upside down when she gets pregnant.”  There’s no reason being preggers has to hurt your porn career.  In fact, it doubles the money-shot capabilities.

Also: Danny Trejo designed the sash.