BestWeekEver calls them briefs, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say these Robert Pattinson underpants were actually meant for girls, which would make them panties (which is a very sexy word… panties).  Sure, they aren’t a very hip or sexy cut as far as ladies’ underwear goes, but let’s be honest, if you’re wearing abstinent vampire panties, the only one who’s gonna see them is your cats.  And it’s not like you have to worry about visible panty lines when you’re wearing B.U.M. sweatpants.  Oh, and in addition to having Edward Cullen’s face on your crotch, they put his mouth right where your V crust or snail trails or whatever girls have down there coagulates.  It’ll be the first time Edward Cullen has ever helped make panties dry. Haha, good one, Jay.

First person to make a joke about drinking period blood gets thrown up on.

Here’s what the Twihards had to say about them:

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Someone from Toronto recently started selling these handpainted Edward Cullen/Robert Pattinson shower curtains on Etsy (which is apparently “a crafty cross between Amazon and eBay” and has been compared to “your grandma’s basement” — seriously).  My sources tell me that every purchase comes with a personalized disclaimer, “Are you sure your BOYFRIEND won’t mind?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, just kidding of course.”

No word on whether they’re resistant to cat fur and sadness, but I like to flip mine so the portrait’s on the inside.  That way Edward Cullen can watch me shower, and I don’t feel threatened because even though I know my naked body drives him mad with desire, he won’t act on it because he’s virtuous and white.  Plus he can help keep a lookout for feral minorities, with their motorcycles and greasy abdominal muscles.  ICKY!

PS – Stephenie Meyer wears mom jeans in the shower.  True story.

In the least surprising move ever, Mattel is capitalizing on the success of Twilight by releasing Twilight-themed Barbie dolls.  Cue product description:

And so the lion fell in love with the lamb. Twilight has quickly become a worldwide phenomenon developing a strong core base of dedicated fans who are drawn to the story of a Romeo & Juliet style romance between mortal (Bella) and vampire (Edward). Who better to capture the young star-crossed love of these two characters than Barbie & Ken. Edward is luminescent with a shimmering complexion and trademark gold eyes. Bella doll sold separately. [Toys R Us]

The lion… fell in love with the lamb? Is that a line from Twilight? (it is) That only makes sense if you’re an idiot. We get it, they’re predator and prey.  But if you’re trying to write a super deep metaphor, wouldn’t you use two animals that actually share a habitat, rather than a bastardization of an old proverb about March (or an apt description of my lovemaking style)?  I guess it doesn’t matter, as long as the hero is super white, celibate, and can protect you from dangerous minorities.  Anyway, the Edward doll is genital free and comes equipped with purity ring and friendship grip.

Robert Pattinson, the star of the film adaptation of Stephenie Meyer‘s Twilight books, just gained about 10,000 points in my book when he had this to say in a recent interview with alpha dickweed Ben Lyons:

“When I read it, I was convinced Stephenie was convinced that she was Bella, and it was like a book that wasn’t supposed to be published. It was like reading her sexual fantasy, especially when she said it was based on a dream and it was like, ‘Oh I’ve had this dream about this really sexy guy,’ and she just writes this book about it. Like some things about Edward are so specific, I was just convinced, like, ‘This woman is mad. She’s completely mad and she’s in love with her own fictional creation.’ And sometimes you would feel uncomfortable reading this thing.  It’s kind of a sick pleasure in a lot of ways.”

What a jerk.  I could never imagine a lonely Mormon housewife getting her ya-yas out by inventing a super gay fantasy world for herself.  “And then a muscular-yet-feminine stranger came and they fell in love, and he had really nice breath and pretty hair.  But they couldn’t have sex because that would be icky, and so they just held hands and hugged forever and ever through eternity and no one else could understand because they were so in love.”

[Thanks to RopeofSilicon]
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