I ordered a Chocolate Pattinson from a hooker once.  …ONCE.  (It’s when she sticks her finger up your butt, then uses it to draw bushy eyebrows on your face, then punches you in the stomach so you get that “young-actor-with-heartburn” look.  Look it up, dude.).

Seriously though, this is supposed to look like Robert Pattinson?  Who made that, the littlest chocolatier?  It looks like Oscar Wilde with jizz in his hair (which was my nickname in high school).

This just seemed apt.

-Thanks to Robo and Jirish for the tips

Looks like I won’t be needing you anymore, glitter-covered fifi.

That’s because someone (finally!) made an Edward Cullen/Robert Pattinson sex pillow, or “manllow: half man, half pillow” as they’re calling it.  Wait, did I say sex pillow?  I meant abstinence-support pillow.  Just don’t lean on it too hard, it doesn’t know if it can control itself around you.  Coming soon, Edward Cullen manllow chest-extenders, for the young lady with more loneliness to love.  ”I like to watch you sleep, and stuff your face with ice cream.”

No word on whether they’re resistant to cat fur.

[Thanks to ToplessRobot for finding this]

Just to be clear, I’ve got nothing against Robert Pattinson.  Out of all the Twilight cast, he seems to take himself the least seriously, which is key when you’re known for playing a glittery vampire.  Which is why I almost feel sorry for him when I hear he has to grin like a jackass and pretend not to be skeeved out by things like a tell-all documentary called Robsessed.  The title alone makes me want to mix up a drain cleaner highball.

Charting the rise of the British star of the “Twilight” pics, “Robsessed” is London-based Revolution’s first title to be made available to buy or rent through iTunes in the U.S. and Canada, as well as in the U.K.
Distrib’s recent U.K. theatrical hits include French crossover “Tell No One,” “U2 3D,” Brit urban pic “Kidulthood,” Charlie Kaufman’s “Synecdoche, New York” and Cary Fukunaga’s Sundance director prize winner “Sin nombre.” [Variety]

If a guy came into my office and told me he ran the production company that produced both “Robsessed” and “Kidulthood”, I’d reflexively poke at my armrest for the button that would drop him into a pit of sharks. It’s pretty much why the shark button was invented.

Thanks to the magic of the internet, we have this screen shot from a Robert Pattinson fan site and the ads Google chose to accompany it, which all deal with sex offenders.  Cute.  But, logically, would sex offenders really be looking for other sex offenders?  I don’t think they party like that.  …From what I’ve heard.  In fact, as far as target audience goes, I think cat products would’ve been a better sell.  Oh, and as for the site name, “spunk-ransom“, that apparently came from an interview in which Robert Pattinson said he hated his name, and if he could choose a new one, it’d be “Spunk Ransom.”  Uh, does that mean the same thing in British?  Because in American that means holding another man’s jizz.  Or the price you’d pay for a another man’s jizz.  Not that there’s, uh, anything wrong with that. Read the rest of this entry »

BestWeekEver calls them briefs, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say these Robert Pattinson underpants were actually meant for girls, which would make them panties (which is a very sexy word… panties).  Sure, they aren’t a very hip or sexy cut as far as ladies’ underwear goes, but let’s be honest, if you’re wearing abstinent vampire panties, the only one who’s gonna see them is your cats.  And it’s not like you have to worry about visible panty lines when you’re wearing B.U.M. sweatpants.  Oh, and in addition to having Edward Cullen’s face on your crotch, they put his mouth right where your V crust or snail trails or whatever girls have down there coagulates.  It’ll be the first time Edward Cullen has ever helped make panties dry. Haha, good one, Jay.

First person to make a joke about drinking period blood gets thrown up on.

Here’s what the Twihards had to say about them:

Read the rest of this entry »