Here’s an official publicity still of John Cusack as Edgar Allen Poe in the James McTiegue-directed The Raven.  A fictionalized account of Poe’s last days, Poe helps a young detective track a serial killer who’s been using Poe’s stories as a backdrop for his killings.  And apparently, he does so with the help of… wait for it… A PET RAVEN.  That’s so raven. Is it just me, or is Hollywood being run by Homer Simpson?  I wouldn’t be surprised if in this version, the rapping Poe hears at his chamber door turns out to be Will Smith’s kid, belting his latest single.

“In The Raven, Jaden Smith literally rapped his way into my tell-tale heart.” -Pete Hammond.

[via LatinoReview]

Perhaps hoping to top their ideas for the story of Moses in the style of the 300 and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, Hollywood’s latest idea is to have John Cusack play Edgar Allen Poe, but set in an alternate universe where Poe is trying to stop a murder, rather than just marinating his insides with sweet, sweet booze.  Suggested title: “The Tell-Tale (*fart*)”

Based on an original script by Hannah Shakespeare (I kid you not) and Ben Livingston, The Raven is set in the last five days of Poe’s life, when a serial killer is running around Baltimore using Poe’s stories as the backdrops for his killings. Poe and a young detective have a ticking clock to outsmart the killer before he strikes again [sic]. V For Vendetta‘s James McTeigue will direct, and production will begin late fall in Serbia. [Deadline]

Is it just me, or does this sound like some kind of Encyclopedia Brown role-playing game?  “There’s a serial killer on the loose and you’ll need your knowledge of Edgar Allen Poe to outsmart him!  So put on your thinking caps and your Nic Cage wigs, but always remember: reading is fundamental!”

Sidenote: The war-torn Balkans sounds like a perfect stand-in for Baltimore.  Safer too.

A while ago, I brought you the strange, strange news that Sly Stallone was hoping to make an Edgar Allen Poe biopic, for which he also wrote the screenplay.

Today, CinemaBlend is reporting that some dude on the internet a reliable source has told them that Stallone offered the Poe part to Viggo Mortensen. 

Damn, dude, besides this, Stallone’s also reportedly considering a Death Wish remake (awesome idea), another Rambo (not so much), a role in the upcoming Scorsese/LeHane picture (I’m with you again), and God knows what else.  Plus he’s got his brother Frank to feed, and that ain’t cheap.  It’s like he’s trying to be superman, or he’s all full of steroids or something.  What? What’d I say? Where’s everyone going?  I GOT PLENTY A ZINGERS WHERE THAT CAME FROM, A-HOLES!

Also, my friend Glen told me he read somewhere that Stallone’s actually kind of old.  If you were wondering why the Edgar Allen Poe thing sounded familiar, it’s because the Scott brothers are also producing a screen adaptation of The Tell-Tale Heart, so the Edgar Allen Poe thing is kinda hot right now. In other news, your emo poems still suck.  Quit threatening to kill yourself and just do it – but remember, Up the River not Across the Street.

Brothers and famous directors Ridley and Tony Scott are bringing Edgar Allen Poe’s classic short story The Tell-Tale Heart to the big screen.  Michael Cuesta will direct and Dave Callaham will write the screenplay.

The story, of course, concerns a dude who hates his elderly neighbor because he has a nasty looking eyeball, so he kills him.  He hides his body under the floorboards, but he freaks out in front of the cops because he can still hear the dead dude’s heart beating.

What we learn from the story, of course, is that lazy eyes are freaky and a great reason to off somebody.  That’s right, watch your back Paris Hilton and Stu Scott!

Imagine Stu Scott underneath your floorboards.  You’d be chillin’, having tea with your normal crew, and all of a sudden you’d look up and be all like, "Did you just say ‘Boo-ya?’  And everyone would just keep sipping their tea but look at you all crazy because no one had actually said ‘boo-ya’."

Poe was so well known that today any short written piece that rhymes or is read pretentiously is called "Poe-try" (I think Kanye may have been a little unclear on the concept).

Anthony Hopkins is Everywhere, Focker
In an interview with MTV, Hopkins confirmed that he will be playing Alfred Hitchcock in a movie from director Ryan Murphy (Running With Scissors).  And this only a few days after confirmation that he will be playing Benicio Del Toro’s father in The Wolf Man.  Rumor has it the actors entertain themselves on set by staging talking-slowly-in strange-accents contests. [MTV, /Film]

Hey, Let’s Remake Stuff
An Exorcist remake may be on the way.  Nevermind that it’s already had two prequels and two sequels and all of them sucked, Hollywood never met a dead horse that it couldn’t beat, then resurrect in a zombie movie and beat again in 8 sequels.  Ooh, guess what else – a Child’s Play remake!  Four Chucky movies weren’t enough, so they want to remake the first one.  I’ve said it before, but honestly people, is it that hard to come up with a new idea for a horror movie?  Look at Chucky: It’s a fucking doll with a fucking knife.  How long do you think that took to dream up?  Doesn’t anyone smoke weed anymore? [cinematical, IESB]

Rambo Be Thy Name
John Rambo/Rambo:To Hell and Back is officially just Rambo now.  Reportedly, the studio wants to do a fifth one, and Stallone may be inclined to agree, provided they also finance an Edgar Allan Poe biopic, for which he wants to direct Robert Downey Jr.  Man, can you imagine the results of a syringe mixup on that set?  Downey’d start developing a brow ridge and bacne; Stallone’d be all confused and waking up in little girls’ bedrooms.  You want an original horror movie idea, look no further. [Cinema Blend]