LA Times breaks down the legal battle over Watchmen between WB and Fox.  Fox is trying to block the release, trial set for January, release set for March, the studios set to enter non-binding mediation towards the end of the month.  Do you know how awful Watchmen would’ve been if Fox made it? Who will watch the Watchmen?  …Vin Diesel. [LA Times]

The 10 Craziest Elizabeth Hasselbeck moments.  I got 10 seconds into the first one before I wanted to punch the screen.  And to think, Sherri Shepard is probably still stupider.  [ScreenJunkies]

The CIA has a long history of “helping” Hollywood get closer to the “truth” through “consulting” on big movies and planting “quotation marks”.  [The Guardian]

If TV Shows Had Truthful Titles.  They forgot The View, which would be called The Cure for One of Those Four-Hour Erections They Warn You About in Viagra Commercials. [HolyTaco]

Edward Norton vs. Edward Norton!  If I were Edward Norton and I were fighting myself, I’d probably give myself one of the STDs I contracted back when I was dating Courtney Love. [Collider]

Uwe Boll ordered to pay $2.1 million for breach of contract and libel.  Crap, that’s like $15 million more than the eventual gross of Postal.  [THR]

Behind the scenes of Watchmen – Zack Snyder says his superhero movie is darker than yours.  Though Spike Lee thinks it’s still pretty white. [RopeofSilicon]

Aaron the Chin Eckhard will fight aliens in Battle: Los Angeles.  [Filmonic]

Sorry for all the words. 

Until it utterly craps the bed in the finale, The Incredible Hulk is everything a superhero movie should be.  Maybe not everything it could be, but for 85 minutes it does a pretty good job hitting the notes you expect it to (Showdown! Love interest! …SMASH!), without making you too conscious of the man behind the curtain.

Zak Penn’s script (or Ed Norton’s script, depending on whom you ask) wisely drops us right in the middle of the story, Bruce Banner having already hulked out, busted up a lab, gone on a rampage, and since fled to a slum in Rio where he lives alone except for (of course) his pet dog.  On the run from the general (William Hurt) who wants to dissect him and keeping vigil for the woman he left behind (Liv Tyler), he works in a soda bottling plant and spends his spare time improving his Portuguese and learning to manage his anger. 

Between the cool-looking, almost gratuitous sweeping shots of the Brazlian favelas and the director’s assumed license to film all manner of unrealistically hot extras, the setting is exploited to the fullest.  Other than that, it’s mainly a repeating cycle of General Ross and his stubbly, loose cannon protégé played by Tim Ross getting a bead on Banner and Banner turning green and going on a rampage every time they corner him.  But no complaints, half the fun of Hulk is anticipating what’s going to piss him off next. 

Hulk doesn’t have the charm of Iron Man, but it’s a little unfair to expect him to.  After all, in Iron Man, Tony Stark is the richest, smartest, coolest, most wise-cracking nerd fantasy on the planet who couldn’t be more stoked about becoming a superhero.  In Hulk, Bruce Banner is a nerdy scientist who accidentally turned himself into a freak and has to live alone for fear of being captured by the government and accidentally smashing everyone he likes.  Hulk’s script is more conservative but it’s also more nimble, keeping everything moving forward without requiring excessive suspension of disbelief (with the possible exception of William Hurt, whose comically gruff one-liners suggest he’s playing it a couple levels of camp above everyone else).  The Norton-Tyler love interest is also better set up here, though also less fun.

Ahh, but what was it I said about the finale?  Oh yeah, that.  Four-fifths of their way into creating an entertaining, fairly believable world unto itself, Penn and Leterrier chuck everything out the window for an annoyingly self-referential and completely nonsensical ending that prioritizes sequel possibility above closure, catharsis, and even reason.  

How best to illustrate what I mean… After Tim Roth gets mad scientist Tim Blake Nelson to inject him with gamma goo and turn him into evil hulk, er, Abomination, he rampages through the city of New York until General Ross’s only recourse is to send in Hulk to save the world from a greater evil.  Having already established that the Hulk has intelligence and sensitivity beneath the green skin, he and Abomination trade witty repartee (albeit with growl-y hulk voices) while battling their way through upper Manhattan.  Then, at that inevitable comic book movie moment where it seems the bad guy has the good guy dead to rights and all is lost, Abomination asks, "Any last words?"  Hulk responds, and keep in mind this is a college-educated scientist who has up until this point displayed above average language skills, "HULK SMASH!"  

Yep, in the climactic moment, Hulk relies on a self-referential, fanboy-inspired catchphrase roughly crowbarred (without lube) into a scene in which it makes no sense.  Talk about "I’m the Juggernaut, Bitch" redux.    

The sad part is, this character has a lot of potential.  Imagine a Hulk whose rampages aren’t just an overgrown baby throwing his tonka toys around.  Don’t get me wrong, the explosions are cool, but imagine Hulk rages that caused, blood, broken bones, massive human casualties… consequences!  Not only would he be a superhero, he’d be fucking terrifying.  In one scene, Liv Tyler, having recently been reunited with Bruce, her long-lost love, throws herself at him an attempt to consummate their reunion.  But before they can get far, Bruce hears his heartrate monitor racing with the excitement and can’t seal the deal (imagine your spindly boyfriend transforming into the Hulk while he’s inside you).  My point is, think of the possibilities.  Grr, you wouldn’t like me when I’m …horny! 

Point is, the Hulk is kind of character who’s completely unpredictable and always one-step away from doing something totally epic – the best kind of character.  It’d be nice to see someone fully explore the possibilities.  The Incredible Hulk seems content just to keep the franchise going.

Grade: B-

Better than the 2003 Hulk?  Yes, much.  I fell asleep during that one. 

Friday for All is a regular feature on FilmDrunk in which I post videos that are neither relevant nor newsworthy.  I’m a dick like that.

This video, which is apparently old, comes from the set of Fight Club, and depicts Ed Norton and Brad Pitt singing a song about penises.  It’s a lot less sexy than it sounds.  Anyway, according to the DVD producer, the bit didn’t make the DVD because Frankie Avalon is an a-hole.

"The Penis Song was something everyone wanted on the disc. Everyone, that is, except Frankie Avalon, who wasn’t amused by the parody of his song Venus. He promised to sue if we used it, so there you are."

Here I am indeed.  I cut the ass off this gorilla suit so I can wear it while I poop. 

^{WATCH THE HULK PARODY FROM JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE AFTER THE JUMP} 

Edward Norton was on Kimmel last night and he starred in a parody in which Oswald crashes through the wall dressed as the Hulk, and then Ed Norton knees him in the nuts. It was pretty funny, but you know what’s not? Slavery.

[via FSR - thanks to micHELLe for the tip] 

After the jump, I’ve got a new trailer for The Incredible Hulk, which, according to ComingSoon, can be found on Best Buy promo DVDs – free with select DVD purchases.  Movie voice guy says:

Dr. Bruce Banner, genetic scientist, experimenting with the body’s ability to repair itself and fight disease, until an accidental overdose of gamma radiation unleashes something inside him.  Something… incredible. 

At this point in my recut of this trailer, the screen would fade to black and Bruce Banner would unleash a truly epic fart.  The kind of fart that could end a marriage.

[Movie voice guy, cont’d] Pursued by the military, searching for a cure, until a new threat emerged, unlike anything we’ve seen before.  [Bruce Banner] “There’s only one thing that can fight that, and it’s in me.”

*Tony Stark emerges from behind Banner, sweaty and naked from the waist up* [Stark] “You trying to tell me something?  Should I throw the suit on or what?”   

Source for video = ComingSoon

Source for fart-ending-marriage joke = George Carlin