The Twilight Saga: Eclipse premiered in LA this week, spawning a 1000-plus-strong tent city which we earlier dubbed “Lonesome Town.” There’s a limit to the number of fat jokes, cat jokes, and abstinence jokes I can make before it gets old, but it’s like they’re just rubbing it in my face now.  They’re like the kid whose strategy for dealing with bullies is to hope he’ll eventually punch himself out (it’s possible, but that’s why you bring a football buddy you can tag in).

AEG, which owns L.A. Live and distributed the premiere wristbands with Summit Entertainment, screened “New Moon” for fans Tuesday night. On Wednesday, the film’s actors, Peter Facinelli, Billy Burke, Julia James and Jackson Rathbone, distributed hamburgers, CDs and makeup in the tent city.

Thanks, Mike Dexter!  The makeup got here just in time.  My mascara was starting to run from the hamburger grease.  Mmm, shame burgers. Delicious.

Stephanie Tregea, 19, drove 500 miles from Upper Lake, in Northern California, to attend the premiere. She wore a black T-shirt that said “Team Carlisle,” and held a sign that read: “My cat died while I’ve been in line. (Peter, comfort me during this sadness).”

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The Twilight Saga: Eclipse doesn’t premiere until tomorrow night at the Nokia Theater in Los Angeles, but that didn’t stop hundreds of Twilight fans from camping out there since SUNDAY, creating a tent city, which I’ve dubbed “Lonesome Town.”  Meanwhile, across the country and all over the world could be heard the collective mewling of a thousand neglected cats. 

The fans, virtually all female, are living on the concrete plaza of an entertainment complex, surrounded by blankets, tents, umbrellas and cardboard cut-outs of the film’s stars. [Reuters]

The movie is playing at the Los Angeles Film Festival, one week ahead of it’s official  release in the U.S. of June 30.
Despite their many valliant [sic] attempts it’s unlikely that any of the legions of fans camped outside will actually get a chance to watch the preview however – the film is listed as a ‘bonus by invitation’ screening. [DailyMail]

HAHAHAHA– hold on, I’m getting an update…

Some 550 devotees of “The Twilight Saga,” many of whom have camped out since Sunday night in downtown Los Angeles, are being rewarded for their patience with guaranteed spots on the red carpet for the Thursday movie premiere of “Eclipse.” (Reuters)

Oh great, I’m glad we’re rewarding this behavior.  I guess it’s like they always say: if you love something, hang around staring at it while it sleeps like a g*ddamned serial killer.  Anyway, I’m worried this story isn’t pathetic enough.  Could we do something about that?

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In between giving Twilight every award last night, MTV had time to premiere a brand new clip from the Twilight Saga: Eclipse.  I don’t want to turn this into a Twilight site, but I thought this was important.  Not since Bertolt Brecht has one ensemble so effectively re-written the conventions of drama.  Being in love = looking like you have heartburn!  Dealing with a heavy situation = talking without your lips moving! (WHY DOES TWILIGHT HATE THE DEAF??)  And is it just me, or is Kristen Stewart’s “upset about something” face a lot like Melanie Hutsell’s Tori Spelling impression face?

Semi-related: What happens when you moon a werewolf?

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When it comes to Twilight, my surprise sensors have already been burned out by Edward panties, Twilight tours, and the home made Bella womb made of felt, such that these new Twilight credit cards registered barely a blip on the WTF meter.  Twilight credit cards?  Sure, why not.

The exclusive Twilight Saga: Eclipse MYPLASH Prepaid MasterCard reloadable prepaid gift cards [holy modifiers, Batman!] are the newest merchandising phenomenon sprung from the Stephenie Meyer franchise. The gift cards will be available nationwide July 1, the day after the new movie opens. [RiskyBusiness]

Prepaid?  So, basically, it’s just like regular money, but gayer?  Dammit, I’ll never stifle this crushing depression and cat fancy on my salary alone! Anyway, it’s sad how inured to this we’ve become, but these all made a sick sort of sense to me; of course Twihards would want an Edward Cullen credit card.  That is, all of it made sense except for this:

Edward or Jacob I could see, but who the hell is that?  And no, I’m not going to look it up (the source file on Hollywood Reporter was named “three guys,” which tells me they didn’t know either).  I just love the idea that there’s a Twilight fan out there so lonely and depressed that she just assumes she’s not going to get her first choice of fictional, platonic, boyfriend and has to settle, even in her fantasy.  “Hello, Mysplash?  Yeah, could I get the Bieber-themed foppish goth remake of West Side Story with extra finger snaps, please?  Thanks, and hurry.  I have ice cream to buy.”

Summit just released the first clip from the Twilight Saga: Eclipse (which you can watch below), featuring Dakota Fanning and her clan of foppish dandies, the Volturi. I didn’t watch it myself, but judging by this screen cap, Dakota’s bitchy BFFs are none too thrilled with Edward Cullen’s slovenly appearance.

“Oh. Em. Gee. Like did you SEE his hair?  I’m like hell-ooo, honey, you’ve been alive for a thousand years and you STILL haven’t figured out hair product?  It’s so tragic.  The bedhead look is SO 1680s.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me.  What a disaster.  Oh my God.  More plaid, I can’t even LOOK at him.”

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