Probably Milwaukee.
Opening Everywhere: Snitch, Dark Skies
Opening Nowhere: Stand Off
FilmDrunk Suggests: Organize a neighborhood game of Kick the Can and let me know where it is, because I’ll come play. Or you can go see what one critic called “Dwayne Johnson’s best role yet” in Snitch and then look at his IMDB page and just mumble, “Well yeah.”
Anyone will tell you, writing scripts is hard. Then when you’re done, getting anyone to read it is even harder. That’s why the real movers and shakers of Hollywood just bypass the process altogether and get movies greenlit based on board games or breakfast cereals. And today we’ve entered an even braver, newer world, now that New Line is developing a project based on a one-frame illustration (pictured below). Basically, The Rock’s former assistant was stoned trolling DeviantArt one night, found an illustration he liked, brought it to The Rock and the director of Journey 2, they got it in production at New Line, and bingo bango, some screenwriter now has the worst job since the guy who had to write Bazooka Joe.
The picture in question was drawn by Alex Panagopoulos, a Greek software engineer turned fantasy artist.
Very typical of the Greek economy.
It features a little girl asleep in bed while a small brown teddy bear — brandishing a laughably small wooden sword and shield — holds an enormous, fanged monster at bay. And in the fashion of a motivational poster, a caption reads “Teddy Bears: Protecting innocent children from monsters under the bed since 1902.” (The teddy bear was invented in 1902 by Morris Michtom, who was inspired by a political cartoon featuring President Theodore Roosevelt and a bear he refused to shoot.)
Speaking of which, when are we getting a Teddy Roosevelt movie? That guy busted trusts, shot Spaniards on horse back, rode moose across rivers, and gave an 80-minute speech after getting shot in the chest with a .38 from point-blank range. Teddy Roosevelt makes Abe Lincoln look like a doddering eunuch.
Oh right, I suppose you want to see the picture.
Aftah da jump, Mahky Mahk an his shawt little fackin’ t-rex ahms stahs in the new trailah fa Pain & Gain, from that directah wit the queah haiyah who makes the transfawmahs movies. Back in the days when he was still busy beatin up awriental shawpkeepahs, befahr his brothah gawt famous from his queah music, we always told Mahky he should be a bawdy buildah. “Mahky,” me and guinea Mike usta tell ‘em, “the amount of muscle you could pack on those shawt little ahms a yoahs, you could be a regulah Lou Ferrigner!” But he nevah listened, just wanted ta sing his rap sawngs and take pictahs with his hands down his undahpants. Shuwah, he’s a famous movie stah now, but wit the right trainin, he coulda been the white Rawnie Coleman. Now hereey is, doin’ a bawdybuildin movie with the Rawk, and awl I can think is “I toldya so. Me an Guinea Mike, we fackin’ toldya so, Mahky.”
I heard Mahky Mahk woulda stawpped nine eleven, except his ahms were too shawt ta unbuckle his seat belt. Woulda prawbly just sat theyah, drinkin chawklit flavahed mass gainah from an extra lawng strawr.
With the Disney channel having turned an entire generation of American actors into hair farmer milk babies, there’s a been major hole for tough guys who can play the Arnold Schwarzenegger/Bruce Willis/Steve McQueen-type roles, and Jason Statham can only fill it so many times. The Rock, who was a pro wrestler, but actually seems charismatic and likable, has long seemed like a logical candidate, but so far, his filmography thus far has been more Hulk Hogan than Arnold (hastag subtle burn). Snitch opens February, and at the very least it seems somewhat aimed at adults. It co-stars Michael K. Williams (OMAR!), Susan Sarandon, and Barry Pepper (who really doesn’t get enough work), and The Rock plays a truck driver who infiltrates a drug cartel for the police in exchange for keeping his son out of prison. In the end, I’m sure we’ll all learn an important lesson about how when you mess with drugs, you’re gambling with your future, just like in that afternoon special where Ben Affleck ruins his life because of steroids.
Dwayne the Rock Johnson is one of the most likable and charismatic media personalities around and Brett Ratner is Hollywood’s most successful ass-kissing social climber, so it was probably inevitable that they’d one day cross paths (artist’s conception above). Turns out Ratner will be stalking craft services’ shrimp cocktail platter on Hercules, a graphic-novel-based The Rock vehicle being produced by Peter “JOIN THE ARMY, MOTHERF*CKER!” Berg.
The Brett Ratner-directed Hercules action film will be co-produced by Paramount and MGM, the companies announced today. Johnson and Ratner’s names have been attached to the project since early spring. The screenplay was adapted by Ryan Condal from Radical Studios’ graphic novel Hercules: The Thracian Wars. [Deadline]
Expected to start shooting in 2013, the project is based on a comic called Hercules: The Thracian Wars, which is described thusly:
Nearly 3,200 years ago, a tormented soul walked the Earth as neither man nor god: Hercules, powerful son of the god-king Zeus, and for this he received nothing but suffering. After 12 arduous labors and the loss of his family, this dark, world-weary soul turned his back on the gods, finding solace only in bloody battle. Over the years, he warmed to the company of six similar souls, bonded by their love of fighting and the presence of death never questioning where they go or who they fight, just how much they will be paid. Now the King of Thrace has hired these mercenaries to turn his men into the greatest army of all time, which means training them to be as bloodthirsty and ruthless as their own reputation. It is time for this band of lost souls to finally have their eyes opened to how far they have fallen and the narrow, perilous path to their own redemption. [Screenrant]
So, Conan meets Clash of the Titans, basically? Also, the mercenaries redeem themselves by training other mercenaries to become bloodthirsty and ruthless? That’s… interesting. That synopsis read like six Tapout commercials simultaneously trying to rear naked choke each other. Look, here’s what to expect: A greased-up, shirtless Rock bonks dudes on the head while Ratner throws shrimp at him, and it makes $80 million.
