Courtesy of MGM/New Line, here’s your first look at Jed Brophy, Adam Brown, and Mark Hadlow as Nori, Ori, and Dori, the dwarves from The Hobbit.  Ori is the Jewish one, while Nori and Dori were given girl names to make them tougher.  Okay, I made that up.

These three brothers, all sons of the same mother, could not be more different from each other. Dori, the oldest, spends much of his time watching out for Ori, the youngest; making sure he’s not caught a chill or got himself killed by Wargs or Goblins. Nobody quite knows what Nori gets up to most of the time, except that it’s guaranteed to be dodgy and quite probably, illegal. Dori, Nori and Ori are intensely loyal to each other – and whilst they are perfectly happy fighting amongst themselves, woe-betide any anyone who means harm to one of these brothers.
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey opens in 3D, 2D and IMAX 3D theaters on December 14, 2012. [ComingSoon]

My sources tell me braiding Nori’s beard was the most exciting to happen to New Zealand since Wellington got a pickling plant. Prime Minister Steve even declared it an official holiday!  Everyone got the day off from shearing.

Parody of The Hurt Locker based on David Morse’s scene, with just a little additional intensity. [via THD]

MORNING LINKS

10 Awesome Fan Reimaginings of Popular Characters [Uproxx]

Reading Material For The Geek In Your Life [Uproxx]

Can Google Buy Your Love with Free Wi-Fi This Christmas? They already bought my love down on the corner. By the way, your mom says hi. [UproxxNews]

Don Draper says What What (in tha butt) [WarmingGlow]

I’m puttin’ this whole game in mah reahview. [WithLeather]

Is Marvel doing a War Machine movie? I don’t know. Do they like money? [GammaSquad]

Crossing The Line: 10 Most Outrageous Verbal Attacks In Sports History [TheSmokingSection]

Zac Efron vs. Zach Galifianakis (As Moderated by Zack Morris). Zack Attack! [Clutch]

Ten Great Moments in Conan O’Brien History [TheSmokingJacket]

Terrifying pictures from a shark dive. Obligatory “I’m a shaaaaaaaaark” pictures included [Fark]

You raff, you ruse [Urlesque]

The Top 25 Celebrities Who Have Defied Death [BroBible]

No Mary Jane In ‘Spider-man’ Reboot [ScreenJunkies]

Kanye West Performing On A Delta Airlines Flight [Buzzfeed]

11 Unironic Spokespeople [HolyTaco]

Olivia Munn will do “anything” to a dude who has a hoverboard. Anything. Pfft. Who wouldn’t? [Clutch]

Picture via Reddit (and the answer is YES)

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Today’s Forgotten Classic isn’t forgotten if you’re familiar with Werner Herzog’s earliest work, in which case, buy yourself another espresso and treat everyone with increased condescension.    For the rest of us, this one’s called Auch Zwerge haben klein angefangen, or Even Dwarfs Started Small, a Herzog film from 1970.  The Wikipedia synopsis has more than convinced me that it’s worth a viewing:

A group of dwarfs confined in an institution on a remote island rebel against the guards and director (all dwarfs as well) in a display of mayhem. The dwarfs gleefully break windows and dishes, abandon a running truck to drive itself in circles, engineer food fights and cock fights, set fire to pots of flowers, kill a large pig, torment some blind dwarfs, and crucify a monkey.
During the filming, Herzog gave some strange direction to elicit particular performances from the actors. In directing one dwarf who continually struggles not to laugh, Herzog repeatedly told the actor that he must not laugh, but then made funny faces at him as soon as he started filming.

[Submitter Andrew also adds] Despite all the characters being midgets, all objects in the movie are for regular-sized people.  For instance, the rebelling midgets force two of their own into a room so that they can have sex.  Unfortunately, it never happens because the one midget is unable to climb up on to the bed.  Herzog spends a solid three minutes showing the one midget trying to get up onto the bed.

This may seem like more ammo for the running Werner Herzog-is-crazy joke, but the reality is, you let more than five midgets hang out together and a monkey gets crucified.  It’s just science.

For the last five or ten years, Hollywood’s been doing this thing where they take a successful foreign movie and remake it in English for people too dumb to read.  Death at a Funeral is the latest twist on that concept, in which they took a film that was already in English and remade it for black people.  Chris Rock is producing, and he hopes it will be at least as popular as the time they remade Stomp the Yard for white people.  Stomp, I believe it was called.

[via IMPA]

How the hell did this slip under the radar?  It’s called Tiptoes, and it’s a real, non-spoof movie (albeit direct-to-DVD) from 2003.  Kate Beckinsale falls in love with Matthew McConaughey, and then he drops the bomb: he’s from a family of dwarves. She’s pregnant with his child, which because of his genes is probably going to be a dwarf child, and she’s worried it’s going to hack its way out of her uterus with a flute and mini pickaxe, because that’s what dwarves do. But more importantly, Gary Oldman plays McConnaughey’s dwarf brother.

“He was on his knees,” Beckinsale explained. “He was basically on his knees with a prosthetic part of his head and face and a hump and different kinds of harnesses to strap his arms back to make them short, and special clothes. They had various different effects, like if he was sitting in a chair, his legs would actually be inside the chair and he’d have these little fake legs sticking out on top. It was amazing what they did with him.” [videogum]

Sweet Jesus, man, everyone knows you never go full midget.  Meanwhile, the trailer calls it “Gary Oldman, in the role of a lifetime,” and includes lines like, “When the going gets rough, it’s only the size of your heart that counts.”  Yeah? Tell that to my ex-girlfriend.  Boy, did she like it rough.

[KUDOS TO VIDEOGUM FOR FINDING THIS]