Pimpin.

When Peter Dinklage collected his well-deserved Golden Globe for his work on Game of Thrones, after taking the stage (I still say he should’ve walked along the tops of everyone’s heads like Crocodile Dundee), he mentioned “a gentleman in England I’m thinking about, Martin Henderson. Google him.”

In case you were too drunk or busy doing something “more important” than watching a “pointless awards show,” here’s the guy he was talking about, 37-year-old Martin Henderson, a dwarf and aspiring actor who was picked up and thrown to the ground by a drunk man.

An aspiring actor who appeared as a goblin in two of the “Harry Potter” films, Henderson was left badly injured after a drunken stranger picked him up and threw him to the ground outside a pub in Wincanton in Somerset last October. After suffering tissue damage to his back, he has been unable to walk properly since.
Henderson, 37, told British newspaper The Telegraph that his assailant may have gotten the idea from Mike Tindall, a member of England’s Rugby World Cup team. Weeks before the attack, Tindall had been disciplined, along with some teammates, for attending a “dwarf tossing contest” at a bar in New Zealand.
“I think until someone steps out and says ‘this is not acceptable,’ all dwarfs are under threat,” he told the newspaper, adding that he fears his condition could ruin his career. [ABC]

Too often people forget the immortal words of Bushwick Bill, the one-eyed dwarf rapper from the Geto Boys: “Liftin’ weights will make ya bigga. But lift me, you’ll be a dead-ass nigga.”

Still, I think it’s slightly unfair to compare consensual dwarf tossing weeks before in a different country with picking up a stranger and throwing him to the ground. It sounded like quite the night though:

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Last week I brought you the news of Sunday Sports’ report that a dwarf who played Gordon Ramsay in porn had been eaten by badgers. I noted at the time that the report seemed a little suspicious, but I couldn’t ignore it completely, because how many time am I going to get to write that headline? Anyway, once mainstream news outlets were through regurgitating the story verbatim as if it had been discovered by a distinguished medical journal, and not a tabloid with headlines like “World War 2 Bomber Found on Moon” and quotes that read like noir fiction, someone at the Huffington Post decided to do a little actual fact checking. And from the sounds of it, it seems little Percy Foster may not have gone to the big porn parody set in the sky. It’s one small step for responsible journalism, one giant leap for celebrity look-alike dwarf porn.

A Huffington Post Weird News reporter contacted the local police in Tregaron, Wales where Percy Foster was allegedly found to check the facts. The official told The HuffPost that she hadn’t heard of any report of the alleged death.

And you think if it did happen, they would’ve heard about it. Tregaron, Wales isn’t exactly Hong Kong.

The Internet Adult Film Database — a smutty IMDB — didn’t have any record of Foster. Nor are there any matches for the supposed film The Sport said gave Foster his big break: “Hi-Ho- Hi-Ho, It’s Up Your Arse We Go.”
X-rated historian Bill Margold told HuffPost he had never heard of Foster, adding that someone of his stature would be memorable.
“The short performers on both ends of the spectrum are rare,” Margold said. [HuffPo]

“At both ends of the spectrum?” Does he mean both male and female? As in, the gender spectrum? What a strange way to say that. It leads me to believe that dwarves with ambiguous genitals doing porn are relatively commonplace. And if that’s true, it seems like they’re really burying the lede.

But let’s stay focused on the main story here. No, the story isn’t true, but do you realize what this means? Three weeks ago, The Sunday Sport ran their initial piece on Percy Foster. Since he’s not actually a porn star as far as anyone can tell, it means they probably found a dwarf  who looked like Gordon Ramsay, and decided that wasn’t juicy enough, so they cooked up a story about him being a porn star. Complete with the fake quote:

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Yes, that is a real headline, and it’s exaggerated only slightly. According to the Sunday Sport, Percy Foster was a British dwarf (sidenote: isn’t “Percy” a perfect dwarf name?) who starred in such films as Hi-Ho- Hi-Ho, It’s Up Your Arse We Go. As recently as a few weeks ago, a production assistant noticed that Percy was a spitting jizzing image of celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay. The original Sunday Sport piece read…

Percy said: “Porn lookalikes get more money than normal actors. Dwarf lookalikes are as rare as hen’s teeth and so can command top dollar.
“I’ve already ordered a new BMW and a diamondencrusted Soda Stream.”

Grumble movie producer Dexter Yamunkeh said: “We are not passing off Percy as Gordon Ramsay – for one thing, Gordon’s not 3ft 6in.”
A friend of Ramsay, who has no connection with the adult film industry, said: “Gordon is f*cking furious – f*cking, c*nting furious.”

But like many celebrities, Percy’s star burned bright but flamed out quickly, and his half-eaten corpse was recently discovered in a badger den. I hear Jayne Mansfield went the same way.

With the world at his feet and producers beating a path to his door, it’s all over for pint-sized Percy.
His tiny corpse was found deep in an underground chamber by Ministry of Agriculture experts ahead of a planned badger-gassing programme near Tregaron, west Wales.
And expert CSI teams had to use fingertip technology to remove his body from the six-foot-deep burrow.
Sources close to the investigation said Percy was clothed but parts of his corpse had been “partially gnawed” by animals.
It is not yet clear how Percy died, though suicide has not been ruled out. Movie producer Dexter Yamunkeh said: “Percy was a little guy with big problems.
“He was doing well but he was under pressure, 24/7, like everyone in this goddamned business.”
A friend of Gordon Ramsay said he had not “f*cking heard” about tragic Percy’s death. An inquest has been opened and adjourned. [SundaySport via Gawker]

Again, this comes from the Sunday Sport, which seems to be the only place I can find any mention of either Percy or his alleged porn film — and porn films don’t usually go to great lengths for cyber anonymity, in fact some might call it counter-productive. But would they just invent a dwarf porn star and then fabricate his badger death out of whole cloth? Even for British tabloids, that seems extreme. And who am I to mistrust a publication whose current cover story is “LOO MUST BE JOKING! World’s crappiest toilets.” Not to mention their other headline, “DO NOT BUM MY BOYS DOWLING.” …I understand what those words mean separately, but together they’re just a mess.

Anyway, if a shady British tabloid is to be believed, Gordon Ramsay had a dwarf porn star look-alike who was recently gassed and eaten by badgers.

ANNNND I THINK TO MYSELLLLLFFF, WHAT A WONDERFUL WOOORRRRRRRRRLLDD…..

UPDATE: Shockingly, we’ve since discovered that this story wasn’t true.

"You want to buy sword, bro? I have amazing deal for you."

Thanks to LotR fan site TheOneRing.Net, I’ve got your first look at Richard Armitage as Thorin Oakenshield, the fifth installment of the exciting series, Still Pictures of Dwarves from The Hobbit. One might think they could’ve just released all the dwarf photos in one batch to keep from annoying the crap out of everyone, especially when the movie doesn’t even come out for another year and a half, but this is New Zealand. You have to ration the moments of thrilling excitement or else people get the bends. Plus people need something to tide them over for the next six months until the Christchurch Wool Fair.

As a young Dwarf prince, Thorin witnessed the destruction and terror wrought when a great fire-breathing Dragon attacked the Dwarf Kingdom of Erebor. After slaughtering many of Thorin’s kin, the great serpent, Smaug, entered The Lonely Mountain and took possession of its vast store of gold and jewels. No-one came to the aid of the surviving Dwarves, and thus, a once proud and noble race was forced into exile. Through long years of hardship, Thorin grew to be a strong and fearless fighter and revered leader. In his heart a fierce desire grew; a desire to reclaim his homeland and destroy the beast that had brought such misery upon his people. So when fate offers him an unusual ally, he seizes the chance for revenge.

Dragons are cool, but after Game of Thrones, I worry any dragon story that doesn’t involve a princess getting hate-f*cked from behind by a juiced-out barbarian is going to feel like a letdown., you know? Anyway, Thorin looks eerily like my Armenian great-grandma, only with thinner eyebrows and less jewelry. She died with the plastic still on her couch, poor lady.

Try not to get too excited, but we’ve got two brand new pictures of dwarves from Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit today (see also: Ori, Nori, and Dori from last week). That’s John Callen and Peter Hambleton as Oin and Gloin above, and Dean O’Gorman and Aidan Turner as Fili and Kili below. They all have rich, complex backstories, I’m sure, but the short version is “braided beards.” Trading dwarf pictures is fast becoming the hottest fad to hit New Zealand since tree counting.

And hey, how come they can’t get actual dwarves to play the dwarves? Of all the roles a dwarf could conceivably play, a mythical dwarf seems like a lay up. Are people put off by their bulging foreheads?  It’s the bulging foreheads, isn’t it. Don’t be scared, man, that’s just where they store their dwarf gold.

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