The Dogfather is a new film that ponders that age-old question: what if your dog was secretly an ex-mafioso on the lam?  Because how well do you really know your best friend?  But even in a film that features a bulldog wearing suits and eating spaghetti (not to mention riding a skateboard, which, let’s face it, seemed a little out of character), the clear stand out is former SNL cast member Chris Parnell.

As much as I loved him as Dr. Leo Spaceman on 30 Rock, this could be his finest role.  No one pulls off that informercial style, Gee whiz! accomplishing-regular-tasks-is-hard!-style acting with as much humanity as he does. And at the 1:06 mark, he delivers the line that should take top billing in the next cut of his acting reel:

WIFE: (trying on new ring at the dinner table) “Where did you find it?”

CHRIS PARNELL: (matter-of-factly) “In Sonny’s poop.”

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It’s been more than two years since this whole crazy Birdemic thing started, and if there’s one thing writer/director James Nguyen has learned, it’s that alcohol and peoples’ enjoyment of his movie are closely related.  At the second screening of Birdemic in a Park City bar in 2009, Nguyen wisely decided to start buying drinks for the assembled crowd of  eight or nine people, and even though he couldn’t afford the eventual tab and the bartender tried to hold his stuffed bird for ransom (not making any of this up, by the way), people present that night paved the way for his eventual distribution deal and tour of packed screenings across the country.

Call it a lesson learned, because now, on the eve of the DVD release, James has some Martha Stewart-esque tips on how to make your Birdemic DVD release party extra special.

“What is a birdemic fest?  And I encourage you all to have your own Birdemic fest.  A Birdemic fest is simply a beer party, you know?  A beer party, plus  a DVD screening of my movie Birdemic Shock and Terror. …With your friends, with your family, with your buddy… just have a good time.  You know… at home, in front of a TV, at a movie theater, camping… anywhere.

Buy multiple copies.  For your Birdemic fest party.  Give them out at the party.  Just give them out as gifts. So again, a Birdemic fest is a beer party, plus a screening of my movie, PLUS, if you want, you know, a t-shirt, some coathangers, a Birdemic poster…”

“Maybe when you go camping, your buddy get cold.  So I don’t know, maybe you stuff sleeping bag with Birdemic DVD.  Maybe you try to have Birdemic Fest outdoors, but it rain and your TV keep getting wet.  So I don’t know, maybe you make umbrella out of Birdemic DVD, keep TV dry for you and your buddy.  Or maybe you hanging out with your family, and you see baby bird fall out of it nest, and now it look sick.  So I don’t know, maybe you feed baby bird Birdemic DVDS, nurse back to health, and bring to your Birdemic fest.”

I love you, James Nguyen. Every time he says “beer party,” an angel gets its wings.  And then explodes.

We’ve got the scoop on Danny Trejo’s next project, before it even has an IMDB page.  It’s called Babysitters Beware, co-starring the kid from Modern Family.  Needless to say, it looks pretty legit.

“Mira, these keeds are dribeen me loco.”

“I tole you, pendejo, ees not a tumor.”

“Oye, wheech one of ju putos called for the babyseeter?”  (*racks shotgun*)

“That’s right, ése, eet’s nap time.” (*racks shotgun*)

[Thanks to Marc T for the tip]

I tend to recommend a lot of documentaries in this segment, and that’s probably because you risk less watching a documentary.  Unless the director is blinded or insanely pretentious, at the very least, your time hasn’t been entirely wasted, because you’ve seen something new or learned something about the world.  At best, you come away having witnessed something once in a lifetime. (And documentarians can’t fake having a story like that, no matter how much fancy split screening or dramatic slam poetry they throw it it — the scary truth is, there’s a lot of luck involved).  Exit Through the Gift Shop is kind of like that.  Like the second thing, I mean, the once-in-a-lifetime thing.

I resisted this one because, let’s face it, things everyone says are cool become progressively more annoying the longer you haven’t seen them.  Exit Through the Gift Shop is a FILM everyone said was cool, about and directed by a GUY everyone said was cool (the mysterious, one-named street artist Banksy, which is like +1000 obnoxious/cool points), so it’s kind of the apotheosis of the obnoxious/cool phenomenon.  That it’s even kind of ABOUT the obnoxious/cool phenomenon makes it meta, and thus REALLY F*CKING COOL, much to my great annoyance.  That I have since watched it, late, makes me both infinitesimally more cool and exponentially more obnoxious. We have now reached the point at which hipness begins to decline and obnoxiousness begins to rise (from a commercial standpoint, this is the peak of profitability).  In this case, that point on the graph might as well be marked with my face, probably looking like I just farted.

Just as an aside, if you’re still unclear on why things that are cool are also obnoxious, as an illustration, here’s the first picture I saw on Exit Through the Gift Shop‘s IMDB page:

"Hurrr."

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Would a hyrax by any other name...

In what may go down as one of the weirdest press releases ever, uh… released, Miramax has announced a partnership with The Weinstein Company to produce sequels of Miramax’s most popular titles.  Planned sequels mentioned in the release include (*deep breath*)…

• Bad Santa
• Rounders
• Shakespeare in Love
• Bridget Jones’s Diary
• Copland
• From Dusk Till Dawn
• Swingers
• Clerks
• Shall We Dance
• The Amityville Horror

Uh… don’t Clerks, From Dusk Till Dawn, Bridget Jones’s Diary, and Amityville Horror already have plenty of terrible sequels?  And I’m pretty sure there’s not a queer alive who was hoping for a Shakespeare in Love sequel.  Anyway, if you guessed these are being planned as “special edition home entertainment products”, DING DING DING!  You win the prize.  That’s right, Miramax and Weinstein are going into the crappy, direct-to-DVD sequel business.  I imagine the hardest part will be rewriting all those roles for Eugene Levy.