"Cookies?"

When most people do DVD commentary, they generally try to give you some interesting background on whatever scene is playing — behind-the-scenes stories, the challenges of shooting something, continuity mistakes the viewer might have missed — sort of like pop-up video on VH-1. In this clip from the Total Recall commentary track, Arnold Schwarzenegger describes what’s happening on screen so literally that watching it feels like your brain is melting. Everyone commenting on it and the person who originally put it on YouTube all swear that this is the real DVD commentary and not an Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator, and the only thing that keeps me from total disbelief of that is that it’s so completely absurd that it couldn’t have been imagined before it happened.

Read the rest of this entry »

That's not a green screen

You may not remember through the haze of booze, pills, and indiscriminate hobo sex, but back in 2008, I posted a clip of a zombie fighting a shark. This was not done through special effects, unless you consider sticking an actor inside a shark tank a special effect. The clip came from Lucio Fulci’s 1980 film Zombie — why wouldn’t you call it “Zombie Shark Fight?” Sell the sizzle, man! — and thanks to a recent re-release, you’ll be able to see it in theaters this weekend at special midnight showings in advance of its DVD and Blu-Ray release next week (October 25th, to be precise). I’ve got the list of theaters and more pictures and video after the jump.

“Fulci put a stuntman dressed as a zombie in a tank with a live shark and made them fight – it’s one of the craziest, most insane and irresponsible scenes ever put on film. This was 1980, years before CG. And the zombie wins! To this day, nobody knows how in the hell he did it, it’s simply jaw-dropping. There’s nothing you will see in any modern zombie movie that comes close to what Fulci did in 1980.” – Eli Roth. [from the press release]

Based on my extensive knowledge of racial stereotypes from the 30s, I think I can imagine it went down. (EXCLUSIVE!):

STUNTMAN: But-a mister-a Fulci, how-a Guiseppe guana fight-a di shark? My mama, she barely-a teach-a me to swim! Please, Guiseppe got-a keeds to-a feed!

LUCIO FULCI: Guiseppe! Testaduro! How many-a time Lucio guana tell-a you? You dona a-gotta FIGHT-a di shark, you-a just-a gotta SWEEM with-a di shark. The shark, she wont-a even-a be-a hungry. We fill-em uppa good, with-a my mama’s a-meataballs!

STUNTMAN: …With-a… you mama‘s a-meataballs? Mamma mia! Everyone-a know, Mama Fulci’s a-meatballs, they’re-a di best eena Italy!

LUCIO FULCI: Oh, so-a now a-you no-a scared-a no more, skifozo? You just-a make sure-a the shark-a belly, she no burst-a from a-too many meataball. Now go, get inna di tank. You film-em uppa good, I give-a you some-a di leftover a-shark a-ball.  ACCIONE!

STUNTMAN: Mama Fulci’s a-meataball, here I a-come! (*kisses fingers, jumps in tank*)

After the jump: the trailer, more stills, and a list of theaters where you can see Zombie this weekend.

Read the rest of this entry »

I didn’t really cover it when Netflix raised their price for unlimited streaming and one DVD from $9.99 a month to $7.99 month for streaming and $7.99 for one DVD, because I was kind of confused about the backlash. Didn’t Netflix used to be like $28 a month? Hobos can afford Netflix, shut up and eat your ramen, proles. Well for some reason, Netflix took all this criticism seriously, and Netflix co-founder Reed Hastings (above right) sent us all a personal email. It’s long, so I put it after the jump, but the gist is this: Prices will stay the same, but now streaming and DVD service will be separated into two companies with two different websites — streaming with Netflix, and DVDs with a new name, “Qwikster.”  “Why, that name sounds so fresh!” I said while putting on my Jnco pants and listening to Smash Mouth.

How much company time do you think went into this decision? And how much more into the name itself? Oh God, I bet there were thousands of Power Point presentations. MILLIONS. “ATTENTION, EVERYONE! I’VE CALLED THIS EMERGENCY MARKET ADJACENCY STRATEGIZING SESSION TO HELP IDEATE DISRUPTIVE DIFFERENTIATION GROWTH METHODOLOGIES!”

In a few weeks, we will rename our DVD by mail service to “Qwikster”. We chose the name Qwikster because it refers to quick delivery. We will keep the name “Netflix” for streaming.

Get it? We put “qwik” in the title because of how quick it is. I wanted to make sure everyone got that. It was a decision we undertook with a heavy heart, and only after months of grueling focus groups. The “ster” was a more personal decision, as my fraternity nickname was “The Reedster,” and we had some real good times back them. Hopefully you, and I, and Netflix, and Qwikster, can have some more good times, together going forward.

For me the Netflix red envelope has always been a source of joy. The new envelope is still that lovely red, but now it will have a Qwikster logo. I know that logo will grow on me over time, but still, it is hard. I imagine it will be similar for many of you.

WHO WILL THINK OF THE RED ENVELOPES??? REED HASTINGS, THAT’S WHO! It is only together that we can finally conquer our grief over the Netflix envelope logo change. This is terrible news. But thanks to Reed Hastings, the grieving process has begun. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to write Lars Ulrich an angry missive on Friendster.

Read the rest of this entry »

I don’t know who put this together or how long it’s been going around, but after the jump I’ve got a three-minute edit of some of Arnold Schwarzenegger and director John Milius’s commentary on the 1982 version of Conan the Barbarian. Long story short, it is a joy. It’s hard to explain what makes it so much fun to watch, other than to say that almost everything Arnold Schwarzenegger says is inexplicably hilarious. If he hadn’t spent the last decade jizzing inside every Mexican that blipped onto his heat vision like the Predator, he might be president by now. The president of hilarious foreigners.

“All of a sudden he’s… he has to listen to all the ‘women problems.’ Even then in these prehistoric times, vomen vere still into jewelry.”

“Does za kid vear lipstick, or vhat is that? …That’s me vhen I was young.”

“I vas getting laid a lot in ziss, huh? It vas vonderful.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Hubba hubba. As if Michael F. Assbender’s perfectly-parted hair, tight-but-compact frame, and steely gaze weren’t already enough to moisten your panties and/or manties, X-Men: First Class just released this deleted scene from the DVD (out September 9th) in which he dresses like a sexy lady. Actually, it’s the scene in the film where Xavier and Magneto go to the go-go club where Lenny Kravitz’ mutant daughter with dragonfly wings (Angel Salvadore) works and try to recruit her, but this time with a slightly different ending. Inside the private room, Magneto reveals his mutant powers by levitating the metal champagne bucket, while Xavier reveals his by entering Angel’s mind and changing Magneto into a lady (that’s Angel’s point of view we’re seeing above). So when you think about it, it’s just a future cripple putting a wig on a holocaust survivor to make a stripper feel comfortable enough to take her top off. Man, they really knew how to party in the sixties.

Read the rest of this entry »