J. Crew ads are strange.

My best friend (category: crystalline mineral) Morton Salt is away on vacation this week, so I said, “Sure, I’ll step in and see what’s out on the ol’ DVD and Blu-Ray this week.” And if you’ve been complaining that you haven’t had much time to shave your back or teach your toddlers how to box, then you’re in luck, because there’s not much worth watching this week.

At least not an awesome movie about Chris Kattan playing twin brothers, one running an insane asylum and the other being a patient. How the hell do I miss out on the classics?

Anyway, here are your non-Kattan DVD releases for this week:

Gangster Squad
Any Day Now
The Central Park Five
Promised Land
The Impossible
Pawn
Thale
Wuthering Heights
Cloned: The Recreator Chronicles

As for your streaming choices, I only recommend 50 Cent’s Gun on Netflix. Watch it this week so you’ll be up to speed with my next installment of Netflix Instant Theater, so I can close the book on Cheetah Vision’s great trilogy and immediately check myself into Chris Kattan’s mental hospital for recovery.

Now let’s get synopsisizing!

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Inviting someone over to watch a movie with you is pretty much universal code for “let’s have sex, but pretend that was not the intention for tonight so we don’t feel so morally perverse.” Now, some of you might not put a lot of thought into the movie you’re going to play for you and your date, but I am here to tell you that it matters. The film you choose is very important in setting the mood, and in many cases is also a valid expression of who you are, and what kind of lover you will be. Through much trial and error I have figured out the perfect films to play before the long long night of lovemaking.

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DUDES (and I mean that in the gender-neutral sense of the word)! Have you ever wanted to watch Miami Connection in high-def DVD or Blu-Ray video while rocking out to synth pop on vinyl and wearing a shirt that keeps your guns free while you air keytar? Who am I kidding, of course you have. Well guess what, today is your lucky day, because I have just such a prize pack to give away in honor of Miami Connection’s DVD release. Miami Connection hits DVD, Blu-Ray, VOD, SBD, and most importantly, VHS, today, and you can watch it in high-def right here for $6. So even if you don’t win this sweet prize pack, it’s still a pretty good day.

DO you want to win this prize package? (*points at crotch*)

Here’s how: Be the fourth person to email me correctly answering the following question: What are either of the two alternate titles for Miami Connection (not on IMDB)?

[UPDATE: CLOSED. Congrats, Johnny.]

After the jump, enjoy some Miami Connection trailers and gif-related fun.

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Yes, I'm cheating by using this manipulatively cute picture

Obviously, I don’t want this site to become some sort of philanthropy. My cold, black heart needs crude to pump through my shriveled veins, and the black gold doesn’t come cheap. What I’m saying is, I’m not planning to make a habit of it, but this one charitable-ish endeavor seemed relevant to our interests. I defer to TheSuperficial for the rundown:

Imagine you’re a little kid battling cancer and one of the few things making your chemo treatments just a little less scary and painful is watching one of your favorite movies the nice nurse at the hospital puts on for you. Now imagine you arrive one morning and all the movies are gone. That happened this week when some Kardashian of a person (worst insult I could think of) completely cleaned out all the DVDs at the Texas Children’s Hospital Cancer Center.  [apparently, this part of the story is not true. See below. -Ed] Fortunately, the Layla Grace Childrens’ Cancer Research Foundation has stepped up and is collecting new and used DVDs to restock the cancer center. So let’s see if we can take a break from being douchebags on the Internet and hook them up with an awesome collection. And, hell, maybe a couple of Playstations or 3DSs to all you rich people reading the site. Here’s the mailing address if you want to chip in:

Layla Grace Foundation
12320 Barker Cypress Rd
Suite 600 #264
Cypress, Tx 77429

They’ll be collecting through the end of September. Keep the DVDs rated G/PG. Amazon gift cards are welcome and if you’re worried about sending duplicates, they’ll send the extras to other parts of the children’s hospital.

Welp, that sounds little a pretty good cause to me. Plus, who wants those old DVDs anyway? I gotta make room for all my new porn. See? Everyone wins.

UPDATE: Texas Children’s Hospital says in a statement, “While we do have DVDs go missing from time to time, we did not experience a mass theft. We are deeply appreciative and amazed by the outpouring of support from the community. Donations – monetary and otherwise – are always needed and appreciated.” Okay, so it looks like they didn’t get robbed. But it still seems like a good cause.

We’ve heard all about the Blu-Ray release of The Avengers, now it’s hype time for that other big summer movie, Prometheus. It hits DVD October 11th, and LatinoReview (via PrometheusNews) has a cut of some of the deleted scenes. If you haven’t seen it yet, you can see what all the fuss was about over Idris Elba’s Southern accent. Worse than Keanu’s British? Than Connery’s Irish? Than Snow’s Jamaican? You decide. There’s also quite a bit more of Charlize Theron’s Miss Vickers, who I can only assume was an attempt to test out the merits of the Supreme Court’s corporations-are-people decision. “I minimize risk, and maximize profits, you see! It is my only personality trait!”

I guess what I’m saying is, I really wish there was a rom-com subplot where she and free-spirit Elba fall in love where he throws her space Blackberry in the ocean to teach her a valuable lesson about not being such a workaholic. “My whole life was in there!” “No, darling. Your whole life is out here. With me. Living in the moment.” (*montage set to Coldplay*)

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