Look, it’s the day before Thanksgiving, I was drinking rye last night, and I think we all know that I’ll be mailing it in today. Luckily for me, Flavorwire made this great supercut of Thanksgiving Dos and Don’ts from the Movies, which is both a great watch for you, and an easy way to knock out a post for me. I give them a lot of credit for including Dutch, a movie I haven’t thought about in at least 18 years. Inspired.

And contrary to the advice contained in this video, I really feel like I need to see ThanksKilling.

Also, I submit: Scent of a Woman is Al Pacino’s most Al Pacino-y performance. Discuss.

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When a mysterious, English-speaking kid

Police said a former girlfriend identified him as a 20-year-old from the Netherlands who was reported missing last September. Neither Dutch or Berlin police would identify him due to privacy laws, but Netherlands state broadcaster NOS interviewed several friends and said his name was Robin van Helsum.
A German security official with knowledge of the case, speaking on condition of anonymity, confirmed the name. Dutch police spokeswoman Chantal Westerhoff said he was “a 20-year-old man from Hengelo” — near the German border.
When confronted with the facts, police say van Helsum admitted the truth.
A Dutch website on missing relatives carried an entry on Robin van Helsum, saying he was born in 1992 and had been missing since Sept. 2, 2011 — three days before he arrived in Berlin. Robin “left after leaving a farewell note. He was last seen traveling with a friend to Berlin. Since then every trace of him is gone,” the entry on Vermist.nl says.
Berlin police said even though he had been reported missing, there was no active investigation into his disappearance because there was no evidence of foul play and he was an adult.
Van Helsum showed up Sept. 5 at Berlin city hall claiming that his mother had died in a car crash when he was 12 and he and his father had been living in the forest outside the German capital. He claimed not to know his last name or where he was from and spoke English but little German. He said his father had died in August and he buried him in the woods. [WashingtonPost]

This guy is kind of my hero. How many times in your early twenties were you working some crap entry-level job and eating ramen noodles, no one even cares enough about you to investigate when you go missing? Who wouldn’t mind a nice vacation from that where you get all your meals and rent paid for and you get to go back to high school as the mysterious orphan boy? And it worked for NINE MONTHS. That’s an entire school year. They’re talking about charging him with fraud, but even so, I think his plan already succeeded beyond his wildest dreams. “Mom, dad, meet my new boyfriend. …He’s from the forest.”

So this one’s pretty self-explanatory: it’s called Frankenstein’s Army, and it comes from Dutch director Richard Raaphorst [GRRR, DICK RAPE HORSE!].  It’s about Hitler coming across the writings of Victor Frankenstein and trying to create an army of sewn-together undead to help him win the war.  As far as stuff from Dutch directors goes, it actually sounds pretty tame.  In fact, it’s pretty much one Asian chick in spandex and a slo-mo scene away from being a Zack Snyder movie.

Anyway, cool trailer, interesting concept.  I was with it up until the part where Hitler reads a book by a guy named “Frankenstein.”

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It should come as no surprise that Human Centipede director Tom Six enjoys filming people pooping into each others’ mouths, after all, he’s Dutch. (I’ve heard about the ovens you use to cook your food, you sick freaks).  Six recently squatted down for an interview with the BBC (*polishes monocle, continues watching scat porn*) in which he revealed that he’s filming a Human Centipede sequel called The Full Sequence in London.  And this time around, he says the anus-to-mouth human centipede will include TWELVE PEOPLE!  Sounds just like a party at Danny Masterson’s house.

The sequel’s title hints at a longer centipede – is that correct?
Yes, the centipede has 12 people. I had so many ideas when I wrote part one but I couldn’t put them all in because I wanted the audience to get used to the sick idea. Now I can put all my crazy ideas in part two.

AND YOU CAN PUT MORE NUMBER TWO IN PART 2! (God I wish I could write up more poop stories). I can only imagine that with four times the centipede segments, the sequel will be… 400% MEDICALLY ACCURATE!

How difficult was the casting process [for the first]?
I made a drawing of the human centipede construction – and because a picture says more than a thousand words. I showed the drawings to the actresses and so many became very angry with me. They thought I was a European lunatic, so they left.

Pssh, amateurs.  You should see the drawings Polanski used to show actresses.

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The Dutch love hookers and pot, and Muslim fundamentalists hate fun, so the two are natural enemies.  Yesterday Al-Qaeda issued a fatwa calling for the execution of Dutch filmmaker Geert Wilder, who is producing "an anti-Koran short."

Wilders expects to finish the 15-minute "Fitna" by the beginning of March, and will talk to broadcasters about airing it. None are yet on board.
But he insists "Fitna" (Arabic for discord) will be available on the website of his political party in the Netherlands and a dedicated site.
Already, the Cairo Intl. Film Festival for Children [which I imagine is a fucking blast - Ed.] announced it was dropping Dutch entry "Where Is Winky’s Horse?" in protest at Wilders’ film.
According to Dutch press agency ANP, fest director Fawzi Fahmi said the decision was a protest against everyone who intentionally and persistently insults and degrades monotheistic religion. [Variety]

I’m sorry, I know this is a serious issue and all, but everything and everyone in this story has a silly name.  No matter how hard I try, all I can do is imagine growing a mustache like the guy in the banner pic, yelling ‘FAWZI FAHMI!" in surprise with my bow tie spinning around like a propeller, and then running in circles on the floor like Curly from Three Stooges.