About a month ago, Chris Klein’s coke-fueled clown dildo of a Mamma Mia audition ended up online. It was pretty embarrassing, but he wisely went with the joke and we forgot about it (hope you’re taking notes, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad). Well that’s all about to change because last night he got popped for a DUI, and his BAC might qualify him for a spot on the drunk celebrity hall of fame.  (That’s right, fame, not shame. Drinking is cool. And if you’re not cool, drinking makes you cool.)

We’re told Klein blew well over a .20 when he was arrested on the 101 Freeway in Los Angeles this morning — his second DUI bust in the last 6 years.  The legal limit in California is .08. 
As we previously reported, Klein wasn’t the only passenger in his car — cops found a dog inside the vehicle.  The dog was later retrieved by a friend of Klein’s. [TMZ]

Holy sh*t, .20+?  That’s pretty wasted.  I mean, not Hassellhoff wasted, but still.  If I’m that wasted and I’m in a car, you can bet I’m probably not driving, I’m probably tied up in the trunk yelling, “TAKE ME TO GET SOME FLAPJACKS, YOU F*GGOTS!”  Anyway, DUIs are all fun and games, but stealing a dog?  That’s f*cked up.  (Though Nic Cage abides).  I can only imagine how embarrassed the dog was when the police had to call his owner from a police station.  He probably sighed real loud and put his paws over his eyes.

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That’s right, Thomas Kinkade, painter of light, the most important artist of this or any century, got popped for DUI Monday night outside Carmel, California.  Even more amazing, George Seurat painted the shirt he wore in his mugshot.  POINTILISM!

Kinkade was booked into the Monterey County Jail on suspicion of misdemeanor drunken driving.  Kinkade did submit to a blood test; however, the CHP is not releasing his blood-alcohol level. The arresting officer reported that Kinkade was “very polite” during the exchange. [SacramentoBee]

Yeah, I’d be polite too if I’d made millions of dollars painting some sh*t that looks like it came from a Candyland box. But wait, how is this movie related?  Why, I’m glad you asked, f*ckface.  A couple years ago, I reported on Lionsgate’s foray into faith-based filmmaking, including an adaptation of Kinkade’s painting “The Christmas Cottage.”  Yep, an adaptation of a painting.  A painting called “The Christmas Cottage.”  After I reported it, I sort of forgot about it for a couple years, as is my way.  But as it turns out, it’s already been filmed and released on DVD.  Wanna see the trailer? OF COURSE YOU DO.

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Nick Nolte’s son Brawley was arrested in Santa Monica yesterday for DUI and possession of a controlled substance, proving that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree when it’s drunk off its ass.

Law enforcement sources tell us Brawley King Nolte — who starred as the kidnapped kid in “Ransom” back in the day — struck another vehicle while making a lane change yesterday afternoon. When cops arrived, we’re told the 23-year-old showed signs of impairment, so cops conducted field sobriety tests and eventually arrested him. Nolte’s bail was set at $5,000. [via Popeater]

That sucks.  Sometimes you have to trade paint a little when you change lanes, just to let people know you mean business.  Reached for comment, Nick Nolte said, “I named ‘im Brawley after the time I got in a bar brawl with a one-armed prostitute down in Mexicali.  Man could she take a punch — toughest whore I ever saw.  Then when I caught eyes on my own pus ‘n guts fer the first time in the delivery room, it give me the same feeling as gettin’ stuck by that whore.  Like a screwdriver in the kidney to remind you yer alive.  Anyway, I was doin a lot of opium back then, mixing it with horse tranquilizers and washin em down with wood alcohol.  Ox flippin, we used to call it…”

(“What has two index fingers and sucks at driving?”)

Roger Avary, who won an Oscar for co-writing Pulp Fiction and also directed Rules of Attraction, was sentenced to a year in jail plus five years probation, for DUI and vehicular manslaughter, for causing a fatal accident in January 2008.  There are lots of fors in that sentence.

Avary pleaded guilty in August to gross vehicular manslaughter and drunken driving for the 2008 crash that killed a passenger in Avary’s Mercedes in Ventura County. Authorities say Avary’s car was traveling at more than 100 mph when it crashed into a telephone pole.  Avary’s wife was ejected from the vehicle and was treated for non-life-threatening injuries. [Variety]

I’d love to feel sorry for him, but… 100 miles per hour?  Don’t you idiots know you’re supposed to be extra cautious when you drive hammered?  Christ, it’s like none of these GD hippies teach their kids how to drunk drive anymore.

This is both the best and worst KFC commercial ever made. Boy, their marketing department has been doing some pretty edgy stuff lately. Oh yeah, and enjoy these links:

• How to Survive The Hangover.  An apt link for you all this morning, I’m sure.  Next up, what to do with the dead hookers. |ScreenJunkies|
• Dogs re-enact World War I.  That is all. |HolyTaco|
• Interview with designer of ‘Dead Space: Extraction’. Never played it.  Is it related to the first link? |G4tv|
• The Polish version of Denise Milani is Rosalia Verne. You should see her Polish box. |Uncoached|
• The scene Scarlett Johansson produced was deleted from New York, I Love You.  It’s okay, Scarlett, at least your boobs are still huge.  |DailyFill|
• The all-too-rare standing inverted triangle choke submission.  I think he learned that from yer mom. |Buzzcuts|
• NASCAR fans arrested for horse DUI. See, this is why I never let my horse drive. |AllLeftTurns|
• President Obama bombs at stand up. He doesn’t seem to be letting it get to him. |CollegeHumor|
• Matthew Modine meets a lesbian. |Atom|