A drunk woman crashed her Pontiac Grand Am into the side of a mobile home yesterday before attempting to flee on a tiny, battery-powered Power Wheels truck, all while pantsless. In a shocking twist, it all went down in Arkansas, not Florida.

Jamie Craft, 28, was not wearing any pants when she hopped on board the battery-powered toy truck — which has a top speed of just 5 mph — to make her escape.
Her attempted getaway came moments after she allegedly slammed herPontiac Grand Am into the side of a trailer home in Jonesboro, Ark., on Tuesday.
Cops gave chase — on foot — and arrested her within minutes. [NYDailyNews]
According to police, Craft was pretty irate when they caught up with her as well as being without any pants.
They say she was also very drunk, with a blood alcohol level of .217, which is 3 times the legal limit. [KTLA]

I was reading about The Artist is Present the other day, the documentary about the performance artist Marina Abramovic, who did stuff like make visitors walk between two naked people, and broke up with her boyfriend on top of the Great Wall of China – pieces that boring psuedo-intellectuals of course ate up like so much white-guilt dipped kale chips. I bring it up because I wonder when the true performance artists like Jamie Craft here are finally going to stand up and reclaim their medium from phony interlopers like Marina Abramovic. Abramovic does a piece, and people spend years trying to explain why it’s art. Meanwhile, crashing into a mobile home drunk and pantsless and trying to get away on a power wheels truck that moves slower than you can walk – that requires no explanation. To even attempt to explain it would be to tarnish its inherent beauty. It’s art because it is.

I eagerly await Jamie Craft’s first installation, The Artist Is Pantsless.

I didn’t know how else to write this headline, but I don”t want to shame every struggling actor who screws up. Consider this more of an unfortunately timed Where Are They Now. Anyway, Steven Bauer (born Steven Ernest Echevarria), one the only actual Cubans in Scarface, got arrested Monday night for a DUI. So I suppose the answer to “where are they now” is “in jail!”

His arrest report shows the 52-year-old Bauer was stopped in Sweetwater, Florida for an improper left turn late Monday night. He was given a warning, but the officer ran his driver’s license and found an open 12-year-old warrant.

Bauer played Manny Ribera in the 1983 movie “Scarface” starring Al Pacino. Bauer also starred on the bilingual PBS show “Qué Pasa, USA.” He played the teenage son of a Cuban exile family in Miami from 1977 to 1979. He was booked into the Miami-Dade County Jail early Tuesday morning. It was not immediately known if he has an attorney. [AP]

Eef I didn’ know better, mang? I say dat cop, she some kinda lesbian.

On a serious note, Bauer’s delivery in the “Beetch. Lesbian.” scene from Scarface is one of my all-time favorite line reads, and easily the most memorable part of that entire movie. Also, I imagine being an actor from Scarface in jail is like being the Red Sox centerfielder in a bar next to Fenway.

She would’ve banged him in real life, Manny was slick as f*ck.

Back when Quentin Tarantino was fist pumping like a champ at the 2010 Oscars, we noticed that there was a white wizard behind Quentin cheering him on. We learned that the White Wizard is an apparition who appears to Quentin when Q does too much cocaine. Later we learned that the wizard also takes the form of Oscar-winning cinematographer Robert Richardson. And it bummed us out to hear that he’d been arrested for DUI Friday night.

Legendary cinematographer Robert Richardson — who has worked on films like “Aviator” and “Hugo” — was arrested Friday night on suspicion of DUI, this according to law enforcement sources.
Our sources tell us … the three-time Oscar winner was driving around Los Angeles last night around 9:25 PM when he was pulled over for a traffic violation.
We’re told the officer on scene smelled alcohol on his breath and asked Richardson to get out of the car to perform field sobriety tests … which, according to our sources, he totally BOMBED. According to our sources, Richardson was then hauled off to the police station where he blew almost TWICE the legal limit.
The dude’s resumé is pretty amazing … he did the cinematography for “Django Unchained,” “Hugo,” “Shutter Island,” “Inglorious Basterds,” “Eat, Pray, Love” “The Horse Whisperer” and “A Few Good Men” … just to name a few. [TMZ]

On serious note, I went to college in southern California and if you can live there for more than 10 years without getting a DUI, it’s an accomplishment. Everything’s spread out and there aren’t any cabs or public transportation, and it’s generally a perfect formula for people having a few drinks and thinking they’re under the limit. On a less serious note, it must be quite a scene trying to arrest a sh*t faced wizard. “ZIM SQUIM ALA KA– sh*t, how’sh a rest a this go? I can’t remember.” Then he throws a lazy smoke bomb and accidentally turns his pants into a frog.

FREE TARANTINO’S COKE WIZARD! He can’t be bound by the lame laws as terrestrial beings! He’s got sweaty filmmakers to inspire!

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About a month ago, Chris Klein’s coke-fueled clown dildo of a Mamma Mia audition ended up online. It was pretty embarrassing, but he wisely went with the joke and we forgot about it (hope you’re taking notes, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad). Well that’s all about to change because last night he got popped for a DUI, and his BAC might qualify him for a spot on the drunk celebrity hall of fame.  (That’s right, fame, not shame. Drinking is cool. And if you’re not cool, drinking makes you cool.)

We’re told Klein blew well over a .20 when he was arrested on the 101 Freeway in Los Angeles this morning — his second DUI bust in the last 6 years.  The legal limit in California is .08. 
As we previously reported, Klein wasn’t the only passenger in his car — cops found a dog inside the vehicle.  The dog was later retrieved by a friend of Klein’s. [TMZ]

Holy sh*t, .20+?  That’s pretty wasted.  I mean, not Hassellhoff wasted, but still.  If I’m that wasted and I’m in a car, you can bet I’m probably not driving, I’m probably tied up in the trunk yelling, “TAKE ME TO GET SOME FLAPJACKS, YOU F*GGOTS!”  Anyway, DUIs are all fun and games, but stealing a dog?  That’s f*cked up.  (Though Nic Cage abides).  I can only imagine how embarrassed the dog was when the police had to call his owner from a police station.  He probably sighed real loud and put his paws over his eyes.

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That’s right, Thomas Kinkade, painter of light, the most important artist of this or any century, got popped for DUI Monday night outside Carmel, California.  Even more amazing, George Seurat painted the shirt he wore in his mugshot.  POINTILISM!

Kinkade was booked into the Monterey County Jail on suspicion of misdemeanor drunken driving.  Kinkade did submit to a blood test; however, the CHP is not releasing his blood-alcohol level. The arresting officer reported that Kinkade was “very polite” during the exchange. [SacramentoBee]

Yeah, I’d be polite too if I’d made millions of dollars painting some sh*t that looks like it came from a Candyland box. But wait, how is this movie related?  Why, I’m glad you asked, f*ckface.  A couple years ago, I reported on Lionsgate’s foray into faith-based filmmaking, including an adaptation of Kinkade’s painting “The Christmas Cottage.”  Yep, an adaptation of a painting.  A painting called “The Christmas Cottage.”  After I reported it, I sort of forgot about it for a couple years, as is my way.  But as it turns out, it’s already been filmed and released on DVD.  Wanna see the trailer? OF COURSE YOU DO.

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