Great news, our scientists have finally done it, they’ve discovered the most Florida story ever told. It’s about a naked carny who broke into a house, pooped in it, and jacked off in a child’s bedroom, all while the homeowner shot at him. This story is Christmas, Chanukah, and the birth of a child rolled into one.

Fort Myers, Florida – Gregory Matthew Bruni, 21, [a carnival worker] is facing charges of damage to property, burglary, battery and resisting an officer.
The victims told the Lee County Sheriff’s Office they were inside around 6:50 p.m. when they heard noises on the roof.
They went outside and saw a naked man, later identified as Bruni, on the roof, according to a Lee County Sheriff’s Office report.
They said the man then jumped off the roof and onto one of the victims, knocking him down.
The man then ran into their home and pulled a 72-inch television off a living room wall, breaking it.

I love that they identify the television, but don’t give names, ages, or descriptions of the victims. BUT WHAT WERE THEY WATCHING?!

The victim told investigators he yelled for his wife to get a gun as Bruni continued to thrash around the house, knocking over a wet/dry vacuum and spilling its contents on the floor.
The wife fired three shots from a .38 caliber revolver at Bruni, but missed and hit a wall.
Bruni then fell to the ground and began masturbating in the living room before he ran into the victims’ son’s bedroom and began rubbing his face with clothing, according to the report.
The male victim retrieved his shotgun from the master bedroom, but never fired at Bruni.
Deputies arrived on the scene and tried to detain Bruni, who started flailing around on the ground and speaking, but not making sense.

Maybe he’s an alien God-king from the future, sent to save us from the impending apocalypse like Leelu from The 5th Element. Who else could masturbate in a hail of bullets? We must! Try! To understand! MULTI-PASS! MULTI-PASS! (*gets frustrated, wipes ass with house cat*)

Deputies said Bruni sucked up the water that had spilled from the vacuum and spit it out. They said he tried to flee several times and had to be Tased as he was taken into custody.
Deputies later discovered Bruni defecated near the front door and in a hallway inside the residence.

Okay, so the pooping was before the shooting started, or during? Because if this guy jacked off AND shat while he was being shot at, we should make him president. At the very least, we know he’s a guy that isn’t going to lose his cool during a crisis.

He was transported to Lee Memorial Hospital for observation. Doctors advised deputies they couldn’t identify “what Bruni was on” and were conducting further tests, according to the report. [WTSP via HuffPo]

When this guy goes to AA, the other addicts should have to pay admission. “Gather round, kids, let me tell you about the time Uncle Greg climbed a roof, jumped on a guy, escaped a firefight, jacked off in some kids’ clothes, sh*t on the floor, and chugged a vacuum. CHAAAOS REEEEEEIGNS…”

But wait! One outlet even has a transcript of the 911 call. It’s Fox News, with the perfect Fox News headline, “Naked burglar terrorizes couple, but they fight back.” Yes, what an uplifting story of successful home defense. Who knows where else he might have masturbated had the family not been armed!

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“Hey, come on, man, that carpet really tied the airport together.”

So as you can see, Bronson Pelletier, a 25-year-old actor who played one of the handsome wolf dudes in Twilight, got kicked off a plane for being too drunk and was later caught on video peeing on the floor in LAX. Pelletier sounds like a French name, and not being able to hold your liquor or pee on airplines is kind of a French thing (it’s cultural, you wouldn’t understand). Pelletier looks like he was gathering up his things on the way to the drunk tank, when, unlike the abstinent protagonists of a Stephenie Meyers novel, he just couldn’t wait any longer. So he unsheathed and loosed a warm piss stream right there in the baggage claim. The security guard actually steadies Pelletier’s shoulder to keep him from falling over while he’s peeing, which is far and away the nicest thing I’ve ever seen an airport security guard do. He wins the good bro award for doing solids in the line of duty, far as I’m concerned (bonus points if he’d timed the pee). Of course, it doesn’t last long before a cop passes by and sees an already-detained helpless drunk not being f*cked with and runs over to remedy the situation by throwing Pelletier down and kneeing him in the back while he screams. Nice work, asshole, I don’t know what’d we’d ever do without you.

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Alberta’s Robert Wilkinson entered the FilmDrunk Drunk Hall of Fame earlier this year when, perhaps as an homage to Wayne’s World, he sang Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” in its entirety (including guitar and drum fills) from his seat in the back of a cop car after a DUI. He finished his tune with the improvised lyric change, “Nothing really matters, even the RCMP.” It was… beautiful. (*sniff*) Well, that guy, nay, hero, recently appeared in court, where he represented himself, and showed up wearing a Viking helmet and NASA t-shirt. (pictured, below). Sure, why not.

The Alberta man who became a YouTube sensation for enthusiastically belting out “Bohemian Rhapsody” from the back seat of an RCMP cruiser has been convicted of impaired driving and refusing a breathalyser test.
Robert Wilkinson will have to pay a $1,400 fine and will be prohibited from driving for one year.
He had been arrested while driving home from a bar in Edson, Alta.
Wilkinson earlier said in an interview that he didn’t want to send a bad message to young people about drinking and driving.
He wrote an apology to the band on his Facebook page, then posted an encore performance of “Handle With Care” by the Traveling Wilburys while wearing a T-shirt reading: “I don’t get drunk. I get awesome.”
Wilkinson said his brief bout with fame didn’t change his life much.
The unemployed karaoke singer said he received $1,000 from the American cable network TrueTV so it could air the video on its show World’s Dumbest Criminals.

Good thing they added “unemployed” there, I wouldn’t want to get him confused with an employed karaoke singer. Meanwhile, this YouTube video has more than eight million views, so I hope Bobby Dubz was smart enough post the video himself and collect the ad revenue. Ad revenue on an eight million-view YouTube video is nothing to sneeze at. $1,000, meanwhile… For comparison, I got paid more than three times that when they used my apartment in New York to shoot a TV show. My apartment wasn’t that special.

Wilkinson had no defence lawyer and represented himself at trial but failed to convince the court the arrest was a violation of his Charter rights.
He arrived at the court building wearing sunglasses, a Viking helmet complete with horns and a NASA T-shirt proclaiming: “I need my space.” [Macleans]

Well I see the problem here, he just chose the wrong defense. He should’ve said, “Your Honor, do you see my outfit? This is clearly Space Court’s jurisdiction, your Earth laws aren’t binding here.  We move that the case by transferred to the proper authority, so that it can be tried under the rules set forth by Kevin Spacey, President of Space. Now if it please the court, I’d like to close my argument with an acapella rendition of ‘Rocket Man.’”

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"Jay, this is God talking. Listen carefully: I want you to party hard and always keep it super real. Ha! Jk, it's your bro, Steve."

If you don’t know who Jay Penske is, don’t worry, neither did I before yesterday. The short answer is, he’s the son of Roger Penske, who owns Penske racing, and after attending boarding and prep school and becoming an all-American lacrosse player at St. Mary’s, he went to Wharton. Basically, a golden boat shoe winner at the WASP awards. But for our purposes, he now owns a few websites, including Movieline, Nikki Finke’s Deadline, and Hollywood Life. More recently, he partied super hard the other night and peed on a girl. Burnsy touched on it yesterday in his Nikki Finke post, but PageSix today leads us to the Nantucket local paper, which has more details:

Two sons of auto racing mogul Roger Penske were arrested early Thursday morning by island police for an alleged break-in at the Nantucket Yacht Club after two women claimed they had been assaulted by them on South Beach Street.
Jay Penske, 33, the CEO of the digital media company PMC who owns the IndyCar racing team Dragon Racing and the web site Deadline.com, along with his brother Mark Penske, 35, were arrested just before 2 a.m. Thursday on South Beach Street.
According to a police report, the incident was reported as an assault and battery when two women approached officers on Broad Street, claiming they had been assaulted by two men, later identified as the Penske brothers.
The report claims the Penske brothers were urinating in the parking lot, and that when she confronted Jay Penske, he “turned and continued to urinate on her boots. He then proceeded to grab her arm and push her. (The woman) also states that Mark before he ran away pushed her and they both then ran to the house on Yacht Club property” the report states.

If a dumb guy’s in the middle of spraying something, never tap him on the shoulder, unless you want to get sprayed. I learned that the summer I spent sandblasting farm equipment with a drunk named Henry. True story.

One of the women involved in the incident, a bartender at an island restaurant who asked to remain anonymous, corroborated most of what was in the report, with a few slight variations.
In an interview Thursday afternoon with The Inquirer and Mirror, the woman said she and two friends were walking down South Beach Street when they noticed a man leaning against a car and urinating toward the sidewalk. As they pointed him out, she said, he turned toward the car, spraying urine onto her boots.

Jeez, well if she wasn’t fainting and clutching her pearls BEFORE…

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Looks like someone's got a case of the Mondays.

Dirk the Fairy Penguin is recuperating at his home at Sea World on Australia’s Gold Coast today after being kidnapped by drunks in a Hangover-style prank and nearly fed to sharks. The most surprising part of the story? The drunks weren’t even Australian.

Three young Britons will appear in court in Australia accused of stealing a penguin during a drunken night out. The trio are said to have broken into a Sea World marine park, where they also allegedly stripped to their underwear to swim with dolphins. They apparently remembered their high jinks only when they woke the following morning with hangovers to find the small fairy penguin, called Dirk, on the carpet of their rented apartment. Yesterday one of the men – aged 18, 20 and 21 and from Wales – appeared on Australian television, where he admitted it had all been a bad mistake.

Rhus Jones said that as reality struck, the trio panicked and released the penguin – which had been bred in captivity – into a canal. The bird was rescued when two passers-by spotted it and became concerned. The couple said they saw Dirk being chased out of the water, possibly by one of the sharks known to swim in the Gold Coast waterways, before it was herded back into the canal by a dog. Meanwhile, police moved in on the three Welshmen after a friend reported that they had boasted on Facebook about the ‘bird’ they took home with them that night.

I bet they did. Waking up with a “bird” in your apartment? Talk about a softball of a joke for drunk British dudes. I wish I could’ve been the Australian news anchor who broke the story. “And neow, a story fer ivery bloke who’s evah woken up after a noight on the piss with a bird he doesn’t remembah, smellin’ lahke fish and takin’ a shit on the cahpet, wishin’ he could feed her ta shahks. Owah mate Rog has the story in Bindoolahwoombahbah. Rog?”

[via TheDailyMail]