Perfect stock image, or perfectest stock image?

Florida Friday has been on hiatus for the past two weeks for a big meth cook (Florida sabbatical, we call it), but today it’s back and not a moment too soon, because an 80-year-old woman accidentally swallowed a $5,000 diamond at a charity event in Tampa. And now we go to the block quote to play my favorite Florida game, How Did This Happen?

The idea behind the Tampa Women’s Club charity event was simple. For $20, you could buy a flute of champagne and a chance to win a one-carat, $5,000 diamond.

Organizers of the Saturday event placed $10 cubic zirconia stones in the bottom of 399 of the 400 champagne glasses. The prized diamond, donated by Continental Wholesale Diamonds, was placed in the last.

The problem? Eighty-year-old Miriam Tucker accidentally swallowed it.

They don’t specify, but I doubt that one diamond in 400 glasses was the only one that got swallowed. I have to imagine there were at least 200 other drunk senior citizens with diamond-shaped glass in their stomachs not considered noteworthy enough for a mention in Florida.

Tucker told local news media that she didn’t want to put her finger in the champagne, so she drank a bit. While laughing with women at the table, she realized she swallowed it.

I like to think Florida police reports just have a series of likely possibilities, and the cops there are sort of like McDonald’s workers, where they just have to circle the one the best describes the predicament. So for this, after you get past “Old woman swallowed expensive diamond,” under “how,” you skip over “she was trying to win a pet snake,” “she was hiding it from a genital-biting prostitute,” and “sharks,” and you’d circle “charity auction gone wrong.”

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“Hey, come on, man, that carpet really tied the airport together.”

So as you can see, Bronson Pelletier, a 25-year-old actor who played one of the handsome wolf dudes in Twilight, got kicked off a plane for being too drunk and was later caught on video peeing on the floor in LAX. Pelletier sounds like a French name, and not being able to hold your liquor or pee on airplines is kind of a French thing (it’s cultural, you wouldn’t understand). Pelletier looks like he was gathering up his things on the way to the drunk tank, when, unlike the abstinent protagonists of a Stephenie Meyers novel, he just couldn’t wait any longer. So he unsheathed and loosed a warm piss stream right there in the baggage claim. The security guard actually steadies Pelletier’s shoulder to keep him from falling over while he’s peeing, which is far and away the nicest thing I’ve ever seen an airport security guard do. He wins the good bro award for doing solids in the line of duty, far as I’m concerned (bonus points if he’d timed the pee). Of course, it doesn’t last long before a cop passes by and sees an already-detained helpless drunk not being f*cked with and runs over to remedy the situation by throwing Pelletier down and kneeing him in the back while he screams. Nice work, asshole, I don’t know what’d we’d ever do without you.

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I didn’t know how else to write this headline, but I don”t want to shame every struggling actor who screws up. Consider this more of an unfortunately timed Where Are They Now. Anyway, Steven Bauer (born Steven Ernest Echevarria), one the only actual Cubans in Scarface, got arrested Monday night for a DUI. So I suppose the answer to “where are they now” is “in jail!”

His arrest report shows the 52-year-old Bauer was stopped in Sweetwater, Florida for an improper left turn late Monday night. He was given a warning, but the officer ran his driver’s license and found an open 12-year-old warrant.

Bauer played Manny Ribera in the 1983 movie “Scarface” starring Al Pacino. Bauer also starred on the bilingual PBS show “Qué Pasa, USA.” He played the teenage son of a Cuban exile family in Miami from 1977 to 1979. He was booked into the Miami-Dade County Jail early Tuesday morning. It was not immediately known if he has an attorney. [AP]

Eef I didn’ know better, mang? I say dat cop, she some kinda lesbian.

On a serious note, Bauer’s delivery in the “Beetch. Lesbian.” scene from Scarface is one of my all-time favorite line reads, and easily the most memorable part of that entire movie. Also, I imagine being an actor from Scarface in jail is like being the Red Sox centerfielder in a bar next to Fenway.

She would’ve banged him in real life, Manny was slick as f*ck.

In case you weren’t smart enough to avoid Twitter and Facebook on Wednesday, you probably noticed that it was “International Talk Like a Pirate Day”, because we have a day for pretty much anything else you can think of so why not that, too? Well folks, it’s all fun and games on Talk Like a Pirate Day until someone loses a passenger ferry to a drunken pirate, which is exactly what happened in Dartmouth, Devon, U.K.

Alison Whelan, 51, was just minding her own business on a 2-day bender, when she suddenly decided to invoke Pirates of the Caribbean and steal a ferry, because when you’re mega-butthoused it’s either that or poop your pants, and boats are way more fun.

Whelan was so drunk on Lambrini she dialled 999 and officers raced to the scene but she then unmoored the 45ft vessel and started drifting away.

She was heard shouting “I’m Jack Sparrow” and “I’m A Pirate” as she made her escape on the double-decker ferry.

But the boat then began hitting other vessels ”like a pinball machine” – including a £70,000 catamaran, Torquay Magistrates Court in Devon heard.

The boat finally came to rest an hour later a mile upstream where lifeboats arrived to tow Whelan and her accomplice back to the harbour.

When arrested she claimed that she ”would have ended up in St Tropez” if she hadn’t been caught. (Via the Telegraph)

For her maritime crimes, Whelan received 122 days in jail for “aggravated vehicle taking” which is really a thing. According to the police, she eventually admitted that she didn’t even think of stealing the ferry until she had untied three of the docking ropes because she kept tripping over them. Eventually she just said, “ARRRRRRRGH! F*ck ye!” and untied the rest of the ropes, because her ass just started sailing.

But every stolen ferry story has a silver lining. With this latest arrest, Whelan may finally get the help she needs to battle her problem with alcohol. You know, until she receives her new liver that she’s currently waiting on, and then yo ho ho, blow the bottle of gin down.

[Requisite Arrested Development reference: She needs a maritime lawyer! Call Chareth Cutestory! -Vince]

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"Jay, this is God talking. Listen carefully: I want you to party hard and always keep it super real. Ha! Jk, it's your bro, Steve."

If you don’t know who Jay Penske is, don’t worry, neither did I before yesterday. The short answer is, he’s the son of Roger Penske, who owns Penske racing, and after attending boarding and prep school and becoming an all-American lacrosse player at St. Mary’s, he went to Wharton. Basically, a golden boat shoe winner at the WASP awards. But for our purposes, he now owns a few websites, including Movieline, Nikki Finke’s Deadline, and Hollywood Life. More recently, he partied super hard the other night and peed on a girl. Burnsy touched on it yesterday in his Nikki Finke post, but PageSix today leads us to the Nantucket local paper, which has more details:

Two sons of auto racing mogul Roger Penske were arrested early Thursday morning by island police for an alleged break-in at the Nantucket Yacht Club after two women claimed they had been assaulted by them on South Beach Street.
Jay Penske, 33, the CEO of the digital media company PMC who owns the IndyCar racing team Dragon Racing and the web site Deadline.com, along with his brother Mark Penske, 35, were arrested just before 2 a.m. Thursday on South Beach Street.
According to a police report, the incident was reported as an assault and battery when two women approached officers on Broad Street, claiming they had been assaulted by two men, later identified as the Penske brothers.
The report claims the Penske brothers were urinating in the parking lot, and that when she confronted Jay Penske, he “turned and continued to urinate on her boots. He then proceeded to grab her arm and push her. (The woman) also states that Mark before he ran away pushed her and they both then ran to the house on Yacht Club property” the report states.

If a dumb guy’s in the middle of spraying something, never tap him on the shoulder, unless you want to get sprayed. I learned that the summer I spent sandblasting farm equipment with a drunk named Henry. True story.

One of the women involved in the incident, a bartender at an island restaurant who asked to remain anonymous, corroborated most of what was in the report, with a few slight variations.
In an interview Thursday afternoon with The Inquirer and Mirror, the woman said she and two friends were walking down South Beach Street when they noticed a man leaning against a car and urinating toward the sidewalk. As they pointed him out, she said, he turned toward the car, spraying urine onto her boots.

Jeez, well if she wasn’t fainting and clutching her pearls BEFORE…

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