A drunk woman crashed her Pontiac Grand Am into the side of a mobile home yesterday before attempting to flee on a tiny, battery-powered Power Wheels truck, all while pantsless. In a shocking twist, it all went down in Arkansas, not Florida.

Jamie Craft, 28, was not wearing any pants when she hopped on board the battery-powered toy truck — which has a top speed of just 5 mph — to make her escape.
Her attempted getaway came moments after she allegedly slammed herPontiac Grand Am into the side of a trailer home in Jonesboro, Ark., on Tuesday.
Cops gave chase — on foot — and arrested her within minutes. [NYDailyNews]
According to police, Craft was pretty irate when they caught up with her as well as being without any pants.
They say she was also very drunk, with a blood alcohol level of .217, which is 3 times the legal limit. [KTLA]

I was reading about The Artist is Present the other day, the documentary about the performance artist Marina Abramovic, who did stuff like make visitors walk between two naked people, and broke up with her boyfriend on top of the Great Wall of China – pieces that boring psuedo-intellectuals of course ate up like so much white-guilt dipped kale chips. I bring it up because I wonder when the true performance artists like Jamie Craft here are finally going to stand up and reclaim their medium from phony interlopers like Marina Abramovic. Abramovic does a piece, and people spend years trying to explain why it’s art. Meanwhile, crashing into a mobile home drunk and pantsless and trying to get away on a power wheels truck that moves slower than you can walk – that requires no explanation. To even attempt to explain it would be to tarnish its inherent beauty. It’s art because it is.

I eagerly await Jamie Craft’s first installation, The Artist Is Pantsless.

Alberta’s Robert Wilkinson entered the FilmDrunk Drunk Hall of Fame earlier this year when, perhaps as an homage to Wayne’s World, he sang Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” in its entirety (including guitar and drum fills) from his seat in the back of a cop car after a DUI. He finished his tune with the improvised lyric change, “Nothing really matters, even the RCMP.” It was… beautiful. (*sniff*) Well, that guy, nay, hero, recently appeared in court, where he represented himself, and showed up wearing a Viking helmet and NASA t-shirt. (pictured, below). Sure, why not.

The Alberta man who became a YouTube sensation for enthusiastically belting out “Bohemian Rhapsody” from the back seat of an RCMP cruiser has been convicted of impaired driving and refusing a breathalyser test.
Robert Wilkinson will have to pay a $1,400 fine and will be prohibited from driving for one year.
He had been arrested while driving home from a bar in Edson, Alta.
Wilkinson earlier said in an interview that he didn’t want to send a bad message to young people about drinking and driving.
He wrote an apology to the band on his Facebook page, then posted an encore performance of “Handle With Care” by the Traveling Wilburys while wearing a T-shirt reading: “I don’t get drunk. I get awesome.”
Wilkinson said his brief bout with fame didn’t change his life much.
The unemployed karaoke singer said he received $1,000 from the American cable network TrueTV so it could air the video on its show World’s Dumbest Criminals.

Good thing they added “unemployed” there, I wouldn’t want to get him confused with an employed karaoke singer. Meanwhile, this YouTube video has more than eight million views, so I hope Bobby Dubz was smart enough post the video himself and collect the ad revenue. Ad revenue on an eight million-view YouTube video is nothing to sneeze at. $1,000, meanwhile… For comparison, I got paid more than three times that when they used my apartment in New York to shoot a TV show. My apartment wasn’t that special.

Wilkinson had no defence lawyer and represented himself at trial but failed to convince the court the arrest was a violation of his Charter rights.
He arrived at the court building wearing sunglasses, a Viking helmet complete with horns and a NASA T-shirt proclaiming: “I need my space.” [Macleans]

Well I see the problem here, he just chose the wrong defense. He should’ve said, “Your Honor, do you see my outfit? This is clearly Space Court’s jurisdiction, your Earth laws aren’t binding here.  We move that the case by transferred to the proper authority, so that it can be tried under the rules set forth by Kevin Spacey, President of Space. Now if it please the court, I’d like to close my argument with an acapella rendition of ‘Rocket Man.’”

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When I posted that story about the guy in the sombrero and boxing glove jumping on a cop car screaming his own name yesterday, I had no idea that we’d have another entrant into the epic drunk hall of fame so soon. But this guy is a first-ballot entry for sure. I DEFY you to watch all of this and not sing along. This guy’s rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody craps all over Wayne’s World’s. Wayne and Garth only started singing along after the operatic buildup. This guy sings the entire song, start to finish, including the instrumental parts (sure, he gets a lyric wrong here and there, but I think he respected the spirit of the material). If Freddie Mercury was still alive, this would’ve cured his AIDs. It’s almost as good as when Burnsy and I duet on Nelson’s “I Can’t Live Without Your (Love and Affection)”, which is some true brohemian rhapsody.

I don’t know what the rules are like in Canada, but if you can earn royalties on police videos (and if the world was just you could) this guy’s going to double his yearly salary in a day.

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