Welcome back, Drunkards and Drunkettes, to another installment of Florida Friday, where we fill you in on one of the nuttiest and therefore most typical stories of the week out of the Sunshine State. Can anyone in Florida top last week’s story about Katina Collins randomly kicking guys in the balls? Well, one Ft. Lauderdale man certainly gave it a shot.

A Fort Lauderdale man named Johnnie Blade is accused of “wildly swinging” a multiple-edged, four-foot long sword used by Klingon characters on the Star Trek TV series as he stood in the middle of a residential intersection. (Via the Sun-Sentinel)

Okay, in fairness, if the guy’s name is actually Johnnie Blade, I’m going to be upset if he doesn’t have a sword.

Blade, 33, was at the 2900 block of Northwest 4th Street in Broward County near Fort Lauderdale about 9:10 p.m. Tuesday, “proudly displaying” the crescent shaped weapon to passing motorists, a Broward Sheriff’s arrest report states.

Have any of you been to Florida lately? There are people on every street corner in every city spinning signs for apartments, restaurants and pawn shops. Hell, a guy proudly displaying his Klingon sword is a nice change of pace.

“This sword…is known to loyal Star Trek fans as traditional Klingon “Bat ‘leth” or “Sword of Honor,” according to the BSO report.

And I’m guessing that he was also in possession of Bat ‘hsalts, eh fellas?

Actually, he had less than 20 grams of marijuana in his possession and it seems that he was just very drunk. I assume that’s why the judge ordered him to stay away from swords and alcohol after he posted bail. Too bad he didn’t say anything about heroin and flamethrowers, am I right, Spock?

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Don’t do heroin, bros.

Nick Stahl has pulled a disappearing act yet again.
Just one week after ditching rehab “against doctors’ advice,” the “Terminator” actor’s whereabouts are officially unknown once more.
“He’s been missing for four days,” his wife, Rose Murphy Stahl, told E! News. “But I don’t want to comment any further.”
Earlier this year, the 32-year-old actor had family and friends panicking when he abruptly went missing in May during a morning meditation session with his roommate, People reported.

Wait, during a meditation session? Like, he slipped out the side door to do some heroin while his roommate had his eyes shut tight, partying with his power animal? I know drug addiction is sad, but that’s Three’s Company-level wacky. Like, Yackety Sax should be playing while models chase him around the dinner table trying to take his syringe away.

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In my favorite news headline since Kentucky’s “Man forced to eat his own beard in fight over lawnmower,” we can now add Akron, Ohio’s “Clown robs elderly woman sitting on the toilet.”  (I’m pretty sure Florida is just making these up as a PR move). However, I prefer my headline. As you can see by the banner picture, it was clearly a knock-off Joker mask.  Why so serious?  Oh, you’re just constipated, my bad.

“This character in a clown mask threw open my bathroom door. I was on the commode, so it was kind of a surprise.”
Seventy-year-old Jacqueline Cutright says she lost $28, about $1,000 worth of costume jewelry, and her Ford Escort after a guy wearing this mask broke into her Akron home early on Saturday morning.

Look, dude, just return my twenty-eight bucks and you can keep the Ford Escort.  Deal?  I’ll even throw in the Creedence tape in the deck.   (And yes, of course there’s video):

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UPDATE: See below

According to the world’s ugliest website the Drudge Report, Disney is considering cutting all of Keith Richards’ scenes from Pirates 4 due to concerns about “pro-drug” comments in his new book.  And thus, we have everything wrong with the world packed into a single sentence.

DISNEY executives are sweating it out as salty details of an upcoming book written by rocker/actor Keith Richards leak and splash. [Dear Drudge, I want to strangle you with your own mouse cord. -Ed.]

Executives fear the rocker’s shocking admissions in his new book, LIFE, may cause a firestorm and ignite a backlash around the family-friendly Magic Kingdom. [wouldn't the verb "ignite" work better with "firestorm," dumbass? How does one "ignite" a "backlash"?]

Among the concerns, Richards appears to detail how to safely get stoned: Use ‘high-quality drugs’ in moderation! Richard writes: “It’s not only the high quality of drugs I had that I attribute my survival to. I was very meticulous about how much I took. I’d never put more in to get a little higher. That’s where most people f**k up on drugs.”

One well-placed entertainment source explains that Snow White may end up dumping her Dopey! [Oh my God I hope you die. Of all the Disney drug references you could've chosen, you picked "Dopey", even though Disney being "Snow White" in this situation doesn't make any f*cking sense.  And you thought this was clever enough to warrant both an exclamation point AND a separate paragraph. God you're a jackass.]

“They very well could end up cutting Keith out of the new movie over this,” claims the insider.

“We here at Disney apologize.  We had no idea one of the world’s most famous rock stars had done drugs, and once we found out, we had no choice but to fire him from our movie about guys who sail around drinking rum and raping people.”

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(German ad for Meatballs, which, according to Google Translate, translates literally to “Baby Bacon and Fleischklosschen.”  Thanks, makes perfect sense now.)

As you no doubt already learned from your Microsoft Outlook alerts, today is Bill Murray’s 60th birthday (he’s a Virgo!).  What you may not know is that 40 years ago today, he was caught at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport carrying 20 grand worth of pot bricks (enough to build a very fine weed house).

Blow out the candles on Bill Murray’s pot cake, 1970 Chicago Tribune article:

William Murray, 20, of 1930 Elmwood Dr., Wilmette, was standing in line waiting to board a plane for Denver at O’Hare International Airport yesterday when he jokingly told another passenger that he was carrying two bombs in his luggage.  A ticket agent didn’t think it was funny and called United States marshals.  They searched his luggage in vain for the two bombs but did find five bricks of marijuana, weighing two pounds each and valued at $20,000.  Chicago vice detectives had been waiting at the airport to arrest Murray because they had received a tip.  He was charged with possession of marijuana and will appear in Narcotics Court today. [via TheSmokingGun]

“No, no, officer, you have it all wrong.  What I said was, ‘This weed I’m carrying is the BOMB.’ I have some bomb-ass weed in my suitcase, you see.”

I like how they say he got arrested because he was joking about bombs, and then as a throwaway aside at the end, “Oh, and at the time, the cops were already waiting to arrest him because someone narc’d him out.”  BOOSH.  Double arrested.  Anyway, Murray, who had been a pre-med student at Regis University in Denver, was sentenced to five years probation.  He also quit school, starting him on the downward path toward a life of crime and poverty that continues to this very day.

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