In my favorite news headline since Kentucky’s “Man forced to eat his own beard in fight over lawnmower,” we can now add Akron, Ohio’s “Clown robs elderly woman sitting on the toilet.”  (I’m pretty sure Florida is just making these up as a PR move). However, I prefer my headline. As you can see by the banner picture, it was clearly a knock-off Joker mask.  Why so serious?  Oh, you’re just constipated, my bad.

“This character in a clown mask threw open my bathroom door. I was on the commode, so it was kind of a surprise.”
Seventy-year-old Jacqueline Cutright says she lost $28, about $1,000 worth of costume jewelry, and her Ford Escort after a guy wearing this mask broke into her Akron home early on Saturday morning.

Look, dude, just return my twenty-eight bucks and you can keep the Ford Escort.  Deal?  I’ll even throw in the Creedence tape in the deck.   (And yes, of course there’s video):

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UPDATE: See below

According to the world’s ugliest website the Drudge Report, Disney is considering cutting all of Keith Richards’ scenes from Pirates 4 due to concerns about “pro-drug” comments in his new book.  And thus, we have everything wrong with the world packed into a single sentence.

DISNEY executives are sweating it out as salty details of an upcoming book written by rocker/actor Keith Richards leak and splash. [Dear Drudge, I want to strangle you with your own mouse cord. -Ed.]

Executives fear the rocker’s shocking admissions in his new book, LIFE, may cause a firestorm and ignite a backlash around the family-friendly Magic Kingdom. [wouldn't the verb "ignite" work better with "firestorm," dumbass? How does one "ignite" a "backlash"?]

Among the concerns, Richards appears to detail how to safely get stoned: Use ‘high-quality drugs’ in moderation! Richard writes: “It’s not only the high quality of drugs I had that I attribute my survival to. I was very meticulous about how much I took. I’d never put more in to get a little higher. That’s where most people f**k up on drugs.”

One well-placed entertainment source explains that Snow White may end up dumping her Dopey! [Oh my God I hope you die. Of all the Disney drug references you could've chosen, you picked "Dopey", even though Disney being "Snow White" in this situation doesn't make any f*cking sense.  And you thought this was clever enough to warrant both an exclamation point AND a separate paragraph. God you're a jackass.]

“They very well could end up cutting Keith out of the new movie over this,” claims the insider.

“We here at Disney apologize.  We had no idea one of the world’s most famous rock stars had done drugs, and once we found out, we had no choice but to fire him from our movie about guys who sail around drinking rum and raping people.”

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(German ad for Meatballs, which, according to Google Translate, translates literally to “Baby Bacon and Fleischklosschen.”  Thanks, makes perfect sense now.)

As you no doubt already learned from your Microsoft Outlook alerts, today is Bill Murray’s 60th birthday (he’s a Virgo!).  What you may not know is that 40 years ago today, he was caught at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport carrying 20 grand worth of pot bricks (enough to build a very fine weed house).

Blow out the candles on Bill Murray’s pot cake, 1970 Chicago Tribune article:

William Murray, 20, of 1930 Elmwood Dr., Wilmette, was standing in line waiting to board a plane for Denver at O’Hare International Airport yesterday when he jokingly told another passenger that he was carrying two bombs in his luggage.  A ticket agent didn’t think it was funny and called United States marshals.  They searched his luggage in vain for the two bombs but did find five bricks of marijuana, weighing two pounds each and valued at $20,000.  Chicago vice detectives had been waiting at the airport to arrest Murray because they had received a tip.  He was charged with possession of marijuana and will appear in Narcotics Court today. [via TheSmokingGun]

“No, no, officer, you have it all wrong.  What I said was, ‘This weed I’m carrying is the BOMB.’ I have some bomb-ass weed in my suitcase, you see.”

I like how they say he got arrested because he was joking about bombs, and then as a throwaway aside at the end, “Oh, and at the time, the cops were already waiting to arrest him because someone narc’d him out.”  BOOSH.  Double arrested.  Anyway, Murray, who had been a pre-med student at Regis University in Denver, was sentenced to five years probation.  He also quit school, starting him on the downward path toward a life of crime and poverty that continues to this very day.

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Even though JCVD turned an awesome concept into an annoying film school masturbation, it was worth it for bringing Van Damme back into the media spotlight.  Not even Steven Seagal does a better interview.

“You know, like, we’re gonna do Bloodsport 2,” he told us in a recent interview. “Which was my first movie. And I want to do it now in a very mature way, where the guy from Bloodsport is a complete bum, maybe abusing his son.”

[On encountering resistance from the studio] “They told me, ‘No, no, no!  You cannot make a movie in America where a father is abusing his son physically! It’s wrong.”

“And you cannot be a guy on drugs doing karate and shit like that.’ I said, ’Why? Why? Tell me why.’  It’s against the rules of success. But I believe the other rules of success. To show something real.” [TotalFilm]

Dear Studio Exec: Think about it, Bloodsport 2: Child Abuse and Drugs and Karate and Shit, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and Gary Busey.  The world is counting on you.

As reported by my sister masculine brother site, WWTDD, the results are in from Heath Ledger’s autopsy.

"Mr. Heath Ledger died as the result of acute intoxication by the combined effects of oxycodone, hydrocodone, diazepam, temazepam, alprazolam, and doxylamine," said an announcement released Wednesday morning by office spokesperson Ellen Borakove.
"We have concluded that the manner of death is accident, resulting from the abuse of prescription medications," the two-paragraph statement said in its entirety.

Well sure, hydroxyalprotodiazylmine, all the cool kids are doin it. Makes a handy little mixer.  I wonder if Heaven has a VIP section where all the celebrity drug overdose casualties hang out.  Or if it’s all just bright lights and Patrick Swayze like in Ghost.

In related news, sometimes I like to pretend I’m an old cockney woman and shout, "Eef Lidga? Noi! Not Eef Lidga!!"