The Oscars telecast begins at 5:30 Pacific Time this Sunday, February 24th, on ABC, with Seth MacFarlane as host, taking over for the incomparable Billy Crystal. The nominees are here and the link to our live discussion is here. Join us to unlock our special badges.

Now look, people, I’m not going to pretend that watching the Oscars is your constitutional duty, or even that it’s particularly worthwhile. There’s no real way to even justify its existence, let alone its de facto status as the most important night in the entertainment industry. It’s just a way to distract ourselves for a few hours from the fact that we’re all going to die someday. And if that doesn’t seem like a great reason to watch, hey, at least it’s not the Grammys. I’m not saying it’s going to be great entertainment, or even that it’s in the top five best things to watch that night. But if you are going to watch, you might as well be drinking for sport. You think the people in the audience are going to be stone sober to watch Seth MacFarlane dance around doing big band numbers and silly voices? Hell no. That’s a fate I wouldn’t wish on Ted Nugent.

So here they are, the rules to FilmDrunk’s Official 2013 Oscars Drinking Game. And remember, FilmDrunk does not in any way condone drinking, gambling, games, websites, the Oscars, awards shows, movies, or the internet.

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"Bad 4-Wheeler Dog! No drinking and driving!"

This being a site dedicated to making fun of movies (“making fun,” not “ridiculing,” minor but important distinction) called “FilmDrunk,” Oscars night drinking games are kind of our “thing.” We’ve a storied tradition of creating Oscars drinking games around these parts. While I don’t expect you to care about the Oscars – what super old, super white dudes think about movies is of limited importance to anyone who can make their own decisions – but if you are going to watch, you might as well make some fun of it. And what better way to have fun than to get mega super butthoused? (If any recovering alcoholics are reading this, just pretend you didn’t read that – keep on keepin on, brah. Just convert all drinking instructions below to push-ups).

So here it is, our official drinking game.

DRINK FOR BRITISH ROYALTY

• Take TWO drinks any time you see a shot of actual Knights Dame Judi Dench, Michael Caine, Anthony Hopkins, Ben ‘Special K’ Kingsley, Christopher Lee, Ian McKellen, Patrick Stewart, Helen Mirren
• Take ONE drink for fictional royals Colin Firth, Meryl Streep, Helena Bonham Carter, Cate Blanchett

DRINK FOR AMERICAN ROYALTY

• ONE drink for shots of Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Angelina Jolie

Le DRINK FOR THE FRENCH (sorry)

• ONE drink for Michel Hazanavicius, Jean Dujardin, Berenice Bejo – basically anyone involved with The Artist.

ONE DRINK FOR PRONUNCIATION TROUBLE (see: Wahlberg, Mark)

• See above.

ONE DRINK FOR SUBTLY PRETENTIOUS TURNS OF PHRASE

• Any time someone says “cinema” instead of “film”
• Any time someone refers to a famous person by first name only – i.e., referring to Martin Scorsese as “Martin,” “Marty,” etc.
• CHUG YOUR DRINK any time you hear the anglicized mispronunciation “an historical.”

IN MEMORIAM MONTAGE WATERFALL

• Every person in the room begins drinking when the montage begins. Moving counter-clockwise from the TV, don’t stop drinking until the person before you does.

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"Why, Anne, you're looking especially handsome tonight."

A lot of people are tempted to not watch the Oscars this Sunday night, them being, as Ricky Gervais says, “a night of the most privileged people in the world being told how brilliant they are and thanking God for loving them more than ugly poor foreigners.”   That might be true, but Thanksgiving is also a celebration of English fundies giving smallpox to Indians.  The food’s still delicious.  That is to say the Oscars are fun if you have fun with them.  And as I’ve learned, the best way to have fun is to drink alcohol.

So here’s a drinking game with which we can all play along.  TOGETHER.

• CHARLIE SHEEN REFERENCE: Social.  Buckle up, there’s going to be a lot of these.

• CHARLIE SHEEN REFERENCE INITIATES LIGHTNING ROUND: Everything after the first Charlie Sheen reference counts double, and the lightning round is complete only when a second Charlie Sheen reference ends it.  (It begins again on the third, and so forth).

• RICKY GERVAIS, MEL GIBSON REFERENCE: Take a drink.  I suspect the volume on these got turned down when the Sheen rant broke, but they’ll still be too easy to resist.

• F-18 REFERENCE: Chug your beer, do a line of coke, email your boss telling him how you really feel.

• REFERENCE TO EGYPT, LIBYA, TUNISIA, GADDAFI, MUBARAK, THE MIDDLE EAST, PROTESTS, WISCONSIN, OR DEMOCRACY: Take a drink, pretend to be an authority on said subject.

• MUSIC STARTS DURING LONG SPEECH: Drink until speaker has left the stage. (Thanks, Punté).

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