Dolphin Tale, the heartwarming true story of how Morgan Freeman built a robotic tail for an injured dolphin discovered by Marine Biologist Harry Connick Jr., and in the process inspired injured veterans, taught a young boy the power of love, and showed an estranged father that you’re never too old for redemption, opens this weekend. And I’m sure it’s no coincidence that Universal chose this week to release their trailer for Big Miracle, which used to be called Everybody Loves Whales, but now makes a fine addition to the describe-your-penis-with-a-movie-title canon.

Point being, it’s a pretty pathetic move, trying to steal Dolphin Tale‘s marine mammal thunder like that. Drew Barrymore and John Krasinski rescue trapped whales in Alaska? Really, guys? That‘s your story? Oh, please. I’ve watched Drew Barrymore. I’ve seen movies with Drew Barrymore. Drew Barrymore is no Morgan Freeman. And it would be insulting to even compare an accomplished jazz pianist like Harry Connick Jr. to a two-bit smirk peddler like John Krasinski. Oh, look at you, Captain Clever. You’re just so pleased with yourself, aren’t you. Yeah, you’re a real Wry-an Reynolds. Take your dumb whales and go home, this is dolphin country.

[Apple via RopeofSilicon]

Aw, remember 1995?

Drew Barrymore made her directorial debut in 2009 on Whip It, a film which delivered a strong message that young girls shouldn’t just accept their paternalistic society-mandated role as Susie Homemakers and be objectified as pageant queens, but should instead put on roller skates and slutty outfits and beat other up while fetishists jack off.  That’s what I got from it, anyway.  Seemed like it was slightly open-ended.

For her next film, she’s set to team with the writers of She’s Just Not That Into You and explore the rich, women-be-shoppin’ genre (and the rich-women-be-shopping’ genre as well, for that matter).

How to Be Single, a New Line romantic comedy that Barrymore is also producing with her Flower Films partner Nancy Juvonen, is based on the same-titled novel written by Liz Tuccillo and published by Atria in 2008. In the mold of New Line’s successful multi-story pics such as He’s Just Not That Into You and Valentine’s Day, Single explores the loves lives and break-ups of a group of New Yorkers over the course of ten years. [THR]

Set in New York?  Thank God, it’s about time the single women of that city got some press.  But wait, did you say over the course of TEN YEARS??  Jesus, how long does it take a pair of attractive, platonic friends to realize they wanna f*ck?  You know, what they really need is a well-dressed, precocious child to give them spot-on love advice.

Now I realize this is going to sound farfetched, but apparently there’s more than just a few ways to burn through a large amount of money very quickly: purchasing excess amounts of black tar heroin, investing poorly in a sh**ty rapper’s vodka company, cramming all that money up a body cavity -or, if you happen to reside in Hollywood, you can always just grossly overpay the star of your next big (supposed) blockbuster. Yeah, that’s also a great way to get rid of a bunch of cash -but just how much money constitutes a bunch? Well, in an apparent attempt to answer that question (and inspire mass suicides everywhere) Forbes just released their 2010 list of Hollywood’s Most Overpaid Actors. You know, just to really help put into perspective how truly underpaid you are at your day job. And just to lay any rumors to rest, neither Nic Cage or Billy Zane made the list this year, sorry.

To formulate their list, Forbes first started with the 36 highest-earning actors from Hollywood. To qualify, during the past five years, each actor would have to have starred in, at least, three films that opened in more than 500 theaters. After this initial categorization, they then began to factor in various other details like penis length and bench press ability.

We used data gathered for our annual Celebrity 100 list to calculate each star’s estimated earnings on each film (including up-front pay and any earnings from the movie’s box-office receipts, DVD and TV sales). We then looked at each movie’s estimated budget [...] and box-office, DVD and television earnings to figure out an operating income for each film.

We added up each star’s compensation on his or her last three films and the operating income on those films, an divided total operating income by the star’s total compensation to come up with a return-on-investment number. The final number represents an average of how much a studio earns for every dollar paid.

Forbes fails to mention how many interns bludgeoned themselves to death with graphing calculators, during the research, but I can only assume the final count was north of ten.

Top 10 Overpaid Actors after the cut.

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Retard Pig laugh when da pwetty people laugh!

When I clicked play on this trailer for Going the Distance*, the first thing I saw was real-life couple Justin Long and Drew Barrymore amusing the hell out of each other with hilarious jokes about tortellini and I thought I’d never stop vomiting.  I thought it was over, and that’s when the blood diarrhea started.  But as I looked up from my agony, I noticed my hirsute, lilliputian man-crush Charlie Day from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia was there too (playing… Justin Long’s dad**?  Huh?).  Then SNL’s most-underrated cast member Jason Sudeikis showed up.  Before I passed out, I think I saw Jim Gaffigan.  Was it real?  Are Jim Gaffigan and Charlie Day and Jason Sudeikis really in a Drew Barrymore rom-com?  Or was it all just a sh*tty-movie induced hallucination?  You be the judge.

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There’s a lot of news about awful movies out there today, folks, so to keep from aggravating the tendinitis in my dismissive-wank elbow, I’ve combined it into one post.  Now put on your stupidity helmets because it’s about to get groan-y.

Kevin James to star in Here Comes the Boom for Sony/Happy Madison.  The star of Chuck & Larry, Paul Blart, Grown Ups, and Zookeeper will co-produce with a guy who did Knight & Day, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, and Adam Sandler’s upcoming Jack and Jill (in which Sandler plays both Jack and Jill).  The script will be written by the guy who wrote Zookeeper, the animals-give-Kevin-James-dating-advice movie.  Between the three of them, they have a worse resume than Pol Pot. The logline is being kept tightly under wraps, but I’ll bet you a million dollars it’s about a fat guy whose pants keep falling down.  |Variety|

Katherine Heigl to star in Bitch the Bounty Hunter.  Lionsgate acquired distribution for One for the Money, starring Heigl, based on the Janet Evanovich novel.  “Stephanie Plum (Heigl) can’t catch a break. At 30, she finds herself newly-divorced, recently laid-off, and living with her hamster in Trenton, N.J. Broke and desperate, she lands a job working for her slimy cousin and his bail bond business. In need of fast cash she latches on to his biggest case – a local cop wanted for murder who just happens to be the guy that broke her heart in high school.” Whoa, what happened? I blacked for a second there.  Anyway, I think the operative phrase here is (*fart sound*). |ComingSoon|

John Krasinski and Drew Barrymore in a rom-com about whales. Krasinski plays a journalist who falls in love with Green peace activist Barrymore while covering a story about four whales trapped under arctic ice in 1988.  It’s set to be directed by Ken Kwapis of License to Wed, about which The Guardian wrote (and I’m not making any of this up): “If Josef Goebbels had a home movie made of the failed 1944 Hitler assassins being hanged from meathooks with piano wire. It probably had more laughs, more fun, more feelgood moments than this family comedy.”   Guess you can only go up from there.  |Deadline|