(”Stop. Hammer time.”)
Good news, everyone: I wrote a humorous headline. Also, Steven Spielberg and Will Smith’s planned remake of Park Chan-Wook’s Old Boy (actually, if you want to get technical, it was supposed to be a separate adaptation of the original Old Boy manga) is dead. Latino Review reports that it was killed when Dreamworks couldn’t come to a deal with Mandate pictures.
So now if you want to see Old Boy, you’ll just have to watch Old Boy. And to get your fill of Will, you’ll have to satisfy yourself with his remake of Karate Kid, Flowers for Algernon, I Am Legend 2, Hancock 2, Men in Black 3, Bad Boys 3, that street magician movie, the Hurricane Katrina movie, and God knows what else. Will Smith is basically the Michael Jordan of acting, in that no one knows his actual personality, which as it turns out is really good for business. That’s why publicists coach actors and athletes to answer all questions with variations on the same clichés. That, and Tom Cruise is a succubus. It’s true, I read it in Science Magazine.
(My mistake, this is actually a Birdemic, not a Robopocalypse, I must’ve gotten the slides mixed up.)
Dreamworks today bought the rights to an unpublished novel called Robopocalypse, which of course is the erotic story of the first lesbian to play in the WNBA.
The angry-robots story line has played out in movies such as the “Terminator” series, “I, Robot” and the two “Transformers” films [wrong, though we would've accepted "The Matrix." -Ed.]
But Daniel H. Wilson, an actual Ph.D. in robotics, has grounded his tale with a heavy degree of authenticity derived from real robot technology.
“Daniel H. Wilson’s cautionary tale of man versus machine grabbed us from the very beginning,” said Dreamworks’ Mark Sourian. “Wilson’s background in robotics and artificial intelligence grounds his story with a frightening level of realism.”
Wilson added: “Writing this novel is an incredible thrill, after spending years studying and thinking about robotics. My hope is that the story we tell will make the robots of the future proud of us humans.” [THR]
Let’s see, so you took the premise of a bunch of other science fiction movies and added more realism and a literal title? Well, done, man, that’s great. (*pats Wilson on the back while secretly taping “kick me i’m a huge dork” sign to it*) Wilson is also known for writing such previous titles as (and I’m not making any of these up): - How to Survive a Robot Uprising: Tips on Defending Yourself Against the Coming Rebellion, Bro-Jitsu: The Martial Art of Sibling Smackdown, - How to Build a Robot Army: Tips on Defending Planet Earth Against Aliens, Ninjas, and Zombies and - The Mad Scientist Hall of Fame: Muwahahaha! So congrats to Daniel Wilson, or, as he’s known to friends, “I thought I told you to stop calling here.”
This is the first trailer for Dreamworks animation’s next movie, How to Train Your Dragon, opening March 26th, from co-directors Dean Dubois and Chris Sanders, who previously did Lilo & Stitch. I’ll give DW a little credit for creativity for this time, because it least it’s not about a Chinese Panda or a Mexican Chihuahua or an Australian kangaroo. That said, Jay Baruchel seems to be trying extra hard to annoy me as the voice of the lead. His aggressively average, schlubby everydouche character was already wearing thin the first time he did it and he seems to be laying it on extra thick here. I don’t get it, why do they keep putting this character in movies? It’s not interesting and it sure as hell isn’t likable. I’d take a pedophile or an arsonist over this boring jagoff any day. Are we supposed to identify with this guy? Because I have an overwhelming urge to pull his underwear over his head and push his head in the toilet. What we should do is put the Jay Baruchel character on an ice flow with Kevin James and Kenneth from 30 Rock and nudge it towards Antarctica.
[available in HD at Yahoo]
If the following project sounds like something you’d be at all interested in, you’re nothing but a mouth-breathing, monkey-faced drool bucket stealing valuable oxygen from living creatures. Chances are, you’re also a movie exec. Here, I’ll just give you the title: Xombie. All together now: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhck.
DreamWorks, Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci could be walking with a “Xombie.”
Could they really? Could they be walking with a Xombie, Hollywood Reporter writer guy? That’s funny, because you could be walking with a keyboard up your ass, if only your editor wasn’t a spineless crotch pony.
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(”Haha, Steben tole me if I shave my wattle I ged da pet da kitty.”)
Remember that Paranormal Activity trailer from a while back? The one that showed people getting really scared over a movie that didn’t look that scary? Well it turns out one of the scared people was… Steven Spielberg! (*Macauley Culkin face slap*) It’s true! And he wants you to know that he’s either really stupid or thinks you are!
Steven Spielberg was certain his copy of “Paranormal Activity” was haunted.
It was early 2008, and the director’s DreamWorks studio was trying to decide whether it wanted to be a part of the micro-budgeted supernatural thriller. As the story goes, Spielberg had taken a “Paranormal Activity” DVD to his Pacific Palisades estate, and not long after he watched it, the door to his empty bedroom inexplicably locked from the inside, forcing him to summon a locksmith. [oh my gosh, the ghost was watching your porn!]
While Spielberg didn’t want the “Paranormal Activity” disc anywhere near his home — he brought the movie back to DreamWorks in a garbage bag, colleagues say — he very much shared his studio’s enthusiasm for director Oren Peli’s haunting story about the demonic invasion of a couple’s suburban tract house. [LA Times blog]
Wow, you mean he’s a producer on the same movie that this preposterous story is about? And the people who work for him corroborate it? Jeez, what are the odds. You know, I think maybe my hand is haunted. It keeps wanking dismissively, and I was just sitting here reading a story about Steven Spielberg. Spooky.
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