Here are some of the stories I would’ve covered had I not been waiting for Time Warner to turn my cable on for four hours.  But everything’s cool now, because it almost works.

Shane Acker’s 9, which actually looks kinda cool, has a new poster.  Based on my extensive research, that staff looks like something you’d shove up a dude’s ass.

Jonathan Goldstein and John Francis Daley sold Cal of the Wild to Dreamworks.  I don’t know what it’s about, but it doesn’t matter – that title is pure gold! |Variety|

Rob Cohen has backed out of xXx: The Return of Xander Cage in order to direct Medieval, “an event-sized action film that Cohen calls ‘The Magnificent Seven’ in the Middle Ages,” and I’m sure will be good because it’s being directed by the guy who did xXx and Dragonheart.  Not to mention Stealth.  Remember Stealth?  (*fart sound*) |Variety|

Ben Stiller washed his hands after touching Mexicans and apologized by demanding a job in the Mexican government or something.  Seriously, try to figure out what the f-ck’s going on in this story. |Yahoo|

Of course.  The Star Trek coffin.  “He died the way he lived: cold and alone.” |Toplessrobot|

Weinsteins are having money troubles, and because they really need Inglourious Basterds to be a hit, they’re demanding Tarantino cut it by 40 minutes. I wished they’d had money troubles while he was editing Death Proof.  |TheWrap|

Dueling John DeLorean (the guy who invented the car) biopics are in the works, including a version from James Toback (Tyson), Brett Ratner, and Robert Evans.  $10 says Ratner collects a big paycheck for doing absolutely nothing yet again.  Reached for comment, Ratner said “Gnugh?” and coughed up a nacho. |Variety|

And finally, James Marsters, the guy who played Piccolo in Dragonball Evolution, claims there’s going to be a sequel, even though it only made $9 million in the U.S.  Because somehow, it made $45 million in Asia.  Figure that one out.  Who knows, maybe it doesn’t suck if you squint.  |somesite|

Opening this weekend:

• Hannah Montana the Movie: You know I’ll be there.  I love this little mouth-breathin retard.  Isn’t it funny how Disney’s apparently run by creepy pedophiles?  Who wants to get slimed!
• Observe and Report: You can read my review here.  Bottom line: it’s funny, but not that great.  Sort of like me in the sack.  :-(
• Dragonball: All the crappiness of Street Fighter but more geared towards kids.  Filled with wire fighting, people swallowing bugs, and lines like, “Prepare to eat dirt!”  Plus people riding snowmobiles with wheels and eating turkey legs. What’s not to like?
• Anvil (limited release): Sort of The Wrestler meets heavy metal, but real.  As far as one-sentence pitches go, you’d have a hard time doing better than that.  “Like Die Hard, with Diora Baird and Anne Hathaway going ass to ass.”

Good news, everyone!!!! The sequel to Dragonball already has a script!

“I know they’ve written a second one and it’s pretty far out there,” actor Justin Chatwin [Goku] told MTV News. “The second one really goes to some different places that I’ve never seen in any comic book adaptation,” said Chatwin.

Likewise, James Marsters [Piccolo] is not only ready for a second chapter, but would like to see the franchise continue indefinitely. A die-hard fan of the anime, Marsters has every intention of fulfilling the arch of Piccolo [sic] in live-action. “We’re going to get to ‘Dragonball Z’ later,” said Marsters, “where Piccolo becomes youthful and he’s going to become the Piccolo that most people recognize.”

Well after beetle swallowing and wire-fu jizz fireballs, I don’t know how they’re going to top themselves in the sequel.  Though they might have a tough time getting Chow Yun-Fat to come back for another one after he figures out where he is.

^{The turkey is a metaphor.  The snowmobile is for pickin up chicks}.

ComingSoon today reports that Fox recently registered the domain name ‘dragonballevolutionmovie.com’ and may be planning to change the title of Dragon Ball to Dragonball Evolution.  This only days after news that the trailer would not be ready in time for its planned debut attached to IMAX showings of The Day the Earth Stood Still.

Let me break this down for you: Fox made a movie based on an enormously popular anime series, but since they’re Fox, they threw a no-name director at it and surrounded a bored looking Chow Yun-Fat with a bunch of reality show castoffs and a white guy with stupid hair.  They saw the footage and were shocked that it didn’t look it was going to be the next big thing, and demanded that it be recut.  And of course, the first commandment of the dipshit bible is that when you want to make something sound fresh and new, all you have to do is put “Evolution” or “Origins” or “Quantum” or “The Future Begins” or “Requiem” after the title.  But a turd of Dragonball’s caliber is going to require desperate measures.  Let’s face it, no one’s seeing this unless you put “Gangbang” or “Goes Ass to Mouth” or “Bears Riding Horses” after the title.  Maybe “vs. Godzilla”.

Some new publicity stills from Dragonball, aka Hello Shitty, just showed up online, and if you can think of a more ridiculous idea for a publicity still than a guy with Pikachu hair sitting on a jetski with wheels making a Zoolander face while he eats a turkey leg, please, for the love of God email it to me.

[via James Marsters fansite]