“THERE’S GAAAYS IN THEEEEERRRREE…”

Tom Cruise was in the headlines recently because he was shooting All You Need is Kill at Trafalgar Square in London, and la di da, I’m Tom Cruise and I can’t do anything without everyone making a big deal about it because I’m such a big movie star…

The top London tourist attraction was completely closed off to the public as Cruise dropped in from the air in full military uniform to shoot All You Need Is Kill. A number of large army tanks were also on the scene and extras could be seen wearing helmets and khaki ponchos over camouflage gear. [Telegraph]

All You Need Is Kill, which co-stars Emily Blunt and Bill Paxton, opens March 14, 2014; Doug Liman (The Bourne Identity) is directing the film, which is based on Hiroshi Sakurazaka’s book.
The plot is set in the near future, in which a hive-like alien race, called Mimics, have landed on Earth, destroying cities and killing millions; the world’s armies join forces for a last-stage battle.
Cruise portrays Lt. Col. Bill Cage, an officer who has never seen a day of combat when he is unceremoniously demoted and then dropped into battle. Within minutes, he is killed while taking an alien down with him.  But he awakens back at the beginning of the same day and is forced to fight and die again — and again, like a sci-fi version of Groundhog Day, as physical contact with the alien has thrown him into a time loop. [HollywoodReporter. Picture via Collider]

If you were forced to relive the same day over and over again and you couldn’t die and nothing you did mattered, wouldn’t you eventually just run around punching and screwing everything, or was this a weirdly revealing moment for me?

Meanwhile, the Telegraph also notes that one of the upcoming projects Tom Cruise is signed on for is a remake of Van Helsing. I can’t believe that’s a real thing and not something I hallucinated. It’s like I’m stuck in this time loop where I have to relive crappy movies over and over again, just because I accidentally brushed Stephen Dorff’s elbow at a porn shoot once.

Here we have the first trailer for Fair Game, starring Naomi Watts as Valerie Plame and Sean Penn as Joe Wilson, directed by Doug “Uncle Touchy” Liman. This looks Valerie LAME, amirite?  High five? …Guys? Look, it’s not that the true story of a CIA agent getting outed by the government (a potentially life-threatening situation) for refusing to lie for them isn’t inherently dramatic, it’s definitely got more drama than, say, the story of the Facebook guy, it’s just that we already know that she’s fine.  Hell, she wrote the damn book.  It’s a little hard to take that much drama and heroic music in an autobiographical story.  “Yeah, so then I was all like, ‘DID. YOU. ORDER. THE CODE RED!” and he was all, ‘YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I DID!’ and then I kissed Demi Moore and the crowd went wild.  I’m telling you, I was the best fruity midget JAG lawyer the Navy had ever seen.”

They went all Social Network with this one when they probably would’ve been better off going the Burn After Reading/Wag the Dog route.  By the way, I still say “Wag the Dong” would make a great porn parody title.  Starring Naomi Twattz.

Obvious Mash Up Idea:
NAOMI WATTS AS VALERIE PLAME: “You can’t break me. I have no breaking point.”

DOLPH LUNDGREN AS IVAN DRAGO: “I must break you.”

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: Are you still interested in a Valerie Plame movie?

Some stories need to be told again and again, so Warner Bros. is currently in talks with Bourne Identity director Doug Liman to once again capture the tale of the Three Musketeers. This version of Alexandre Dumas’ legendary story of Athos, Porthos, Aramis and their Mexican cousin Picos de Gallos, is currently uncast, as WB tries to lock down the predecessor to the Paul Greengrass seizure-cam Bourne films.

Take it away Variety:

Project was set up at the studio earlier this year by producer Lionel Wigram, who hired screenwriter Peter Straughan (“The Men Who Stare at Goats”) and Bridget O’Connor to update the swashbuckling tale. Wigram, who also produced “Sherlock Holmes” for Warners, has a first-look deal with the studio.

But come on, Warner Bros. If you’re going to remake a movie that’s been remade 600 times, you need something different. You need to take it to a new level. You need to… CHANGE THE GAME. But won’t someone step forward and change the Three Musketeers game already?

Brit helmer Paul Anderson is also prepping a 3D version of the tale for Summit with the backing of Germany’s Constantin.

Oh snap! I can read the New York Post headline now: “Limey Upstages Liman.” Paul W.S. Anderson is currently wrapping up Death Race: Frankenstein Lives and Resident Evil: Afterlife. Before he gets to work on his Musketeers project, he’s bringing the iconic Nintendo video game Castlevania to the big screen. I guess what I’m trying to say here is *long fart noise*.

- Burnsy

Watch the Trailer Here

Yesterday I mentioned that Go/Swingers/Mr. & Mrs. Smith director Doug Liman’s next project was Jumper, starring Sam Jackson, Hayden Christianson, and Rachel Bilson. Now the trailer for it is online.  

Sadly, Third Eye Blind doesn’t seem to be involved at all; it looks more like X-Men if the only mutant was Nightcrawler and Rachel Bilson ran around in a bra.  Obviously that second part is a welcome addition. 

Still, it’s basically an amalgamation of every superhero/mutant movie, from E.T. to Spiderman, where great power equals great responsibility.  F that noise.  Know what I’d do if I had superpowers?  Two chicks, man.

I may not have superpowers, but my thumbs are a good two glove sizes bigger than the rest of my fingers, so I guess that kinda makes me a mutant.  I’m freakishly good at holding stuff and, like, non-verbal expressions of encouragement.  Call me ladies.

Doug Liman (Go, Swingers) is set to direct Jake Gyllenhaal in Untitled Moon Project.  Liman co-wrote the script with John Hamburg (Along Came Polly) before Mark Bowden (Killing Pablo, Blackhawk Down) was brought on to rewrite. 

Loosely based on the space race among private companies, the movie revolves "around the private expedition to the moon and the race for lunar colonization."

That reminds me of the time when Poland wanted to send their astronauts to the sun.  They planned to avoid burning up by traveling at night! LOL silly Polacks! I also heard like a thousand of them screwed in a lightbulb one time! >:-D

Production will begin after Gyllanhaal finishes Brothers, his asexual love triangle movie with Tobey Maguire and Natalie Portman.  Liman’s working on Knight Rider for NBC and a movie called Jumper, which I really hope is about that one Third Eye Blind song. Omg they’re like the best!