In what sounds like the awesomest, movie-themed food truck idea we never came up with, Mark Wahlberg, along with his brother Donnie Wahlberg, will be opening a restaurant called “Wahlburgers.” Their other brother, Paul (that’s him on the left, with their mom and… uncle?), will be head chef. Also working there, I imagine, will be an assahtmint of cousins, knawckarounds, an hahd ons from the neighbahhood, such as Squeezebawx, Caspah, Tawmmy, Wawp Tawmmy, Snawtlips, Dahkie Mike, Skidmahks, Richie Three Balls, Elbows, The Gooch, Fruity Pete, Gene, and Johnny Bitchtits.

Hingham chef Paul Wahlberg, brother of actor Mark and New Kid on the Block Donnie [ouch. -Ed], has cleared a major legal hurdle in opening his new hamburger restaurant — securing the name, Wahlburgers, which had been previously trademarked.
“It just works,” said Ed St. Croix, Wahlberg’s business partner. “It’s a good-sounding brand we could put out the product with, a great name people could relate to.” [by which I mean ridicule]
St. Croix said the restaurant’s ownership approached [pelted with batteries? showered with verbal abuse?] Tom Wahl’s, a chain of burger joints based in Rochester, N.Y., a few months ago after they discovered it sold a product called the “Wahlburger.”
“We were definitely surprised,” St. Croix said. “It was a thing we had talked about for several years.”
The Wahlburgers’ group secured “full spectrum” use of the name, St. Croix said, but wouldn’t discuss financial terms of the deal, or any other details.
The group, which includes chef Paul and his famous brothers, also had some backup names, just in case it wasn’t able to secure the rights to Wahlburgers, but St. Croix wouldn’t divulge them for fear of confusing the issue.
Wahlburgers is slated to open soon at the Hingham Shipyard, across from the group’s Italian restaurant, Alma Nove, named in honor of the Wahlbergs’ mom and her nine kids. The group is also planning to open a pizza joint next spring. [BawstonGlobe via Movieline]

HEY MAHKY, SOME QUEAH’S IS SELLIN’ BUHGUHS, AN THEYUH CALLIN EM WAHLBUHGUHS!

Wahlbuhguhs? Wheyah?

In New Yawk.

New Yawk?!? Fack that cawksuckah. Let’s buy him out, and take his queah restrint back ta Mass.

Great idear, we’ll put it right neah da fackin’ hahbah.

Go Sawx?

Go Sawx.

(*shawts*)

What Doesn’t Kill You bills itself as the true story of director Brian Goodman, who co-wrote the film with Paul Murray and Donnie Wahlberg.

Hawke and Ruffalo play childhood friends Paulie and Brian, who are forced to survive on the tough streets of South Boston through a life of petty thievery. They join a local gang of criminals, but Brian finds it hard to reconcile his work and friendship with Paulie and his relationship with his wife (Amanda Peet) and son.

I’m excited for another Boston gangster picture, but I’m disappointed about the accents.  They seem much less realistic than in The Depaaahted or Mystic Rivah.  Also, if this is the guy’s life story, where’s the part about how he moved to Hollywood to become an actor?  Hey yous queahs, what I really want is to fackin direct ovah heah. Hey, ahn’t you da guy from New Kids on da Blawk? I think the full title should be What Doesn’t Kill You Gives You Mad Street Cred, or What Doesn’t Kill You Ingratiates You to the Wahlbergs.