The Expendables has a new trailer!  Quick, somebody spot me!

HUNGH! UNGH! HUNH! UNNGGH! HUUUNGGH! YEEEEEAAAAH!  NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL FEELIN’ THE BURN, YOU PUSSIES!

(*injects horse testosterone into ass cheek*)

NOW YOUR TURN!  ONE! TWO! THREE! GET THOSE KNEES TOGETHER, PROM QUEEN! FOUR! FIVE!  YEEEEAAAH!  NOW LET’S SHAVE EACH OTHER’S PITS!  WE LOOK SO RIPPED NOW! GIMME A HEADBUTT!!

(*air guitars to Guns N Roses, shotguns Red Bull*)

LEMME BORROW THAT WHIZZINATOR! I GOTTA TAKE A PISS TEST FOR A CUSTODY HEARING!!  RONNIE COLEMAN IS GOD!! THE A-TEAM WERE HOMOS!!!! OOOOHHHHH YEEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Click to animate (trust me, you want to)

Judging by what I’ve seen from the trailers, I could scarcely imagine Dolph Lundgren’s part in The Expendables being played by that twinkle-toed waffle jockey Van Damme.  Breeng eet, heppy feet?  No way, wouldn’t work.  But according to director Sylvester Stallone, that was the original plan. Mix my HGH with Metamucil, NY Times:

Rounding up the cast, Mr. Stallone said, was not especially difficult, except for Jean-Claude Van Damme, who declined a role that was eventually taken by Mr. Lundgren. “He told me, you should be trying to save people in South Central,” Mr. Stallone recalled of a conversation with Mr. Van Damme.
“I knew I’d lost him.”

I wish they’d ask a follow-up question and clarify, because as it is, it’s sort of up for interpretation.  Vulture reads it as Van Damme demanding the film be more “socially conscious,” but who knows. Maybe he just wanted to shoot in LA.  I hear the smog and the whores are nice this time of year.  Anyway, this was just a small part of a longer interview.  Other points of interest:

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And the award for Most Highbrow Photoshop Concept goes to…not Chodin!

If in 1992 you had stepped out of a time machine and said, “Hey queer, in the future there will be a fourth installment of Universal Soldier and it’s going to be in 3D!” I would have probably praised that as one of the coolest ideas ever and then worshipped you as some kind of demigod. Though mind you that in ’92 I also thought Hypercolors were going to be the future of fashion -in my defense, I was waaay into crack cocaine and Satanism back then. Well, regardless of whatever we may think is or isn’t a good idea, news out of Cannes this week is that Jean-Calude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren will reunite in October for Universal Soldier IV. And yes, the film will be in 3D. Of course.

Details are still pretty scarce on the asinine project, but it does make me kind of sad that only now are we applying the concept of 3D to Jean-Claude Van Damme. I’m thinking that they should have started in the 80s and just made everything he’s ever done into three dimensions -interviews included. I mean, do you have any idea of the kind of sick sh-t that I would do if I could watch the below Arsenio Hall interview in 3D? Let’s just say that I’d be open to sexual adventures involving Sarah Jessica Parker and a Slap Chop.
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Holy crap, I can’t wait for The Expendables.  Sylvester Stallone leads a super ripped, super old team of outlaw mercenaries (the Ben Gay Team, say) on a suicide mission.  And this time, it’s personal, because they have to save some bitch they just met.  Here’s RoboPanda’s earlier breakdown:

• Sylvester Stallone plays Barney “The Schizo” Ross, leader of The Expendables.
• Jason Statham plays Lee Christmas (really?), the second in command.
• Mickey Rourke plays “Tool” (heh heh), an arms dealer and tattoo parlor owner/artist.
• Jet Li plays Bao Thao. [Clearly the grown-up version of the kid Clint Eastwood taught to be a man in Gran Torino]
• Dolph Ludgren plays a sniper named Gunnar Jensen. Hang on.  Stallone named a sniper “Gunnar”?  You sly devil you. *slide whistle*
• Terry Crews is the comedy relief of group and plays Jet Li’s best friend, Hale Caesar.  Wait, “Hale Caesar”?  Is he wearing a toga and banging boys?
• Steve Austin plays ”Dan Paine” (Pain?  Okay, this is getting ridiculous.) and is Eric Roberts’s’s’s’s bodyguard.
• Randy Couture plays a demolitions expert named . . . wait for it . . . “Toll Road”.  Okay, now he’s just f–king with us.

And of course, the trailer includes cameos from Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis.  Will there be a cheesy butt-rock soundtrack?  Let me put it this way: yes.  This movie is so manly it will grow hair on your chest then shave it off to look more ripped.

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The Expendables just released two new posters, the one on the left, which seems to be telling us that they’ve really “brought out the big guns” for this one, and the one on the right, which looks like Stallone will be the guest tattoo artist on the latest episode of Miami Ink. “You’re not getting this because of a midlife crisis, are you?  Because that’s no reason to get a tattoo.  Hold on for a second, I have to do five tons of HGH and make a movie with Dolph Lundgren.”

[via IGN, Collider]

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