His soulful eyes will follow you around the room.  Especially if you are looking at this on a smartphone or tablet.

The Dark Knight Rises is out today on DVD and Blu-ray and nothing else matters. Still, I know most (all?) of you have seen it and might want to know what else has come out today, so I’m back, providing you with all you need to know when you ultimately decide to just watch Batman again anyway.  Other flicks you won’t actually be watching this week include new films from Meryl Streep, Tommy Lee Jones, Hugh Jackman, and two films with Jennifer Garner.  We’ve got movies that will make you laugh (if Meryl Streep trying to fellate a banana is funny to you), movies that will make you cry (if you are a little kid) and Beasts Of The Southern Wild, a critical-darling  that Vince wasn’t very fond of.  There are films about butter and psycho Santas and professional athletes who believe in magic.  There’s super elves, some spooky VHS tapes, and even a Christmas movie with a talking dog!

The DVDs:
The Dark Knight Rises
Hope Springs
Butter
The Odd Life Of Timothy Green
Beasts Of The Southern Wild
Silent Night
Thunderstruck
Elf-Man
V/H/S
Hemingway
Alps
Last Ounce Of Courage
Reel Evil
12/12/12
A Vampire’s Tale
The Magic Of Christmas II

Streaming: Check out your choices here.

One of these flicks stars a dude from Jackass as a superhero.  The only way to find out which one it is is to continue reading. Another one of these movies has vampires in it.  You might assume it’s A Vampire’s Tale, but you can’t be sure unless you continue reading.  If you want to know which film makes little kids cry -you guessed it, continue reading.  If you want to make me cry, just skip all the DVDs and go right to the Netflix streaming suggestions.  There’s a link right above this paragraph, if that’s how you want to handle things.  For my money (literally), you’d be much better off just clicking the ‘Continue Reading’ link that’s just below this paragraph.  You’d get to the streaming suggestions eventually, and there’s no reason to rush.

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This is the trailer for Dogtooth, a film from Greece opening June 25th in New York City.  Let me see if I can sum up the action here.

• A man covers himself with cuts and fake blood.  He tells a family their brother is dead, and the culprit was a common house cat, “the most dangerous animal there is.”
• A girl’s butt.
• Boy tries to kill cat with pruning shears.  His sisters scream.
• The brother plays Spanish guitar, they have a Pentacostal dance party.
• The father tells the girls that they’ll be ready to leave the house “when the dogtooth falls out,” so they swim blindfolded.
• Implied lesbianism.
• The father barks at his family like a dog.  They bark back.
• Pentacostal dance party starts going all Reefer Madness.
• Sister cuts brother’s arm with kitchen knife.
• Other sister screams at her knitting needles.
• Dance party becomes puke party.
• Mother beats daughter about the head.
• Father beats daughter with video tape.
• Father knocks out mother with VCR.
• Aaaaand scene.

Bottom line, I’m sick of these foreign movies trying to be all slick and Hollywood.  When I watch foreign films, I want to see something different, not some cheap rip off of The Blind Side.  Ho hum, Greece, ho hum.

[via CHUD]