^{Hello, puberty?  I thought you’d never call!}

Shia LaBeouf, who just found out he won’t face DUI charges, also has a movie opening today.  The reviews are out, and the critics… well, you can read all about it below.  I actually like LaBeouf as an actor, but his agent seems to be grooming him as the next Brendan Fraser.

“Eagle Eye” is yet another action movie aimed at people unfamiliar with the tremendous strides made in special effects over the last 15 years. People of, say, seven or so. –Kurt Loder [with the sexy sub-headline “Shia LaBeouf pinned down by pyro”]

THE WORD ‘preposterous’ is too moderate to describe Eagle Eye. This film contains not a single plausible moment after the opening sequence, and that’s borderline. It’s not an assault on intelligence. It’s an assault on consciousness. – Roger Ebert

Finally, an action-adventure thriller that feels as if it were created, directed and acted, soup to nuts [wha??], by a computer program. See, everyone complains about humans in movies but no one does anything about it, so it fell to “Eagle Eye” to make everything laughably, ridiculously fake. –NYDailyNews

…the execution redefines ludicrous.  What might have been a zeitgeist-fueled paranoid thriller along the lines of “The Conversation” or “Three Days of the Condor” winds up an unintentionally hilarious exercise in the suspension of disbelief, peppered with confusingly edited car chases. – MSNBC

Anyone who prefers such fusty notions as coherent plot or character development, however, can go eat cobwebs. -Winnipeg Sun [I only included this one because I liked the folksy Canuck-isms]

Upon hearing of such poor reviews, Samurai Code required LaBeouf to amputate his pinky in penance.  Like a true action movie hero, he did it by crashing the shit out of his car.  What?  Too soon?

The makers of the D.J. Caruso-directed Shia LaBeouf-starrer Disturbia called Hitchcock’s Rear Window everything from an “homage” to “an inspiration” to a “jumping off point”.  Meanwhile, the LA Times called Disturbia “an uncredited remake of Rear Window“, which was more than enough reason to sue for the lawyers of the people who still owned the rights.

“Obviously, Rear Window was a big inspiration,” Caruso told the Los Angeles Daily News last year. “I embraced it instead of running away from it. But I didn’t want it to be a remake because that would be silly. You can’t remake Rear Window.”

That would be silly.  Especially the part where you have to pay some asshole money.

With a $20 million budget, Disturbia was considered a modest hit last year, taking in $80.2 million at the U.S. box office. None of which was shared with the estate of the late Sheldon Abend, who bought the rights to Cornell Woolrich’s 1942 story It Had to Be Murder after the author died in 1968, according to the lawsuit. [E!]

The original Rear Window came out in 1954, by the way.  So basically, this guy bought the rights to a movie that had already been made 14 years prior.  Now the rights are 40 years old and his heirs are still trying to collect on it.  This is a tough one.  On one hand, Hollywood should stop being thieving dicks (see also: Lord of the Rings).  On the other, I hate anyone who inherits anything.   Clearly, the only way to resolve this is with a dismissive wanking motion.

DJ Caruso, who’s not an actual DJ, but rather the director of Eagle Eye, revealed that he’ll be adapting a comic book called Y: The Last Man. He wants Shia LaBeouf for the lead and a release in 2010, and hopes to turn it into a trilogy.  All the fanboys say Y: the Last Man is a great comic book. I wouldn’t know because I prefer books without pictures in them and thumbing my nose at the peasantry.

Y: The Last Man is my favorite comic book series of all time. Shia would play Yorick Brown, a young amateur escape artist, and his Capuchin monkey [Shia playing both the hero and a monkey? I smell Oscar - Ed.], Ampersand, who instantly become the last two men on Earth after something mysterious simultaneously kills every mammal possessing a Y chromosome – including embryos, fertilized eggs, and even sperm. Society is plunged into chaos as infrastructures collapse and the surviving women everywhere try to cope with the loss of the men. Yorick goes on a mission to find his girlfriend Beth, who was on vacation in Australia. [/film]

Wait, so this dude finds out he’s living out the plot of countless pornos and his first thought is to go to Australia to meet up with his girlfriend?  I have a new name for this comic book, World’s Hugest Pussy.

After the jump I’ve got the teaser trailer for Eagle Eye, which premiered last night before Indy.  The thrilling thrill-a-minute thriller stars Shia Lebeouf, Billy Bob Thornton, Michelle Monaghan, and Rosario Dawson, and comes from director DJ Caruso.

Caruso previously directed Disturbia, which I never saw, and Salton Sea, which was awesome.  It had Vincent D’Onofrio wearing a pig nose while reenacting the Kennedy assassination using pigeons and a bb gun.  That’s way more creative than I was as a kid.  Mostly I just rubbed my G.I. Joes together and made sounds like they were having sex.  I knew they were both boys, but I had no choice because it’s not like I had Barbies lying around.  What do I look like, some kind of fag?

JustJared (whose website never ceases to remind me of It’s Pat) has some new pictures of Shia LeBeouf on the set of Eagle Eye, from Salton Sea director DJ Caruso.

Eagle Eye centers around a young slacker (LaBeouf) who returns home after the mysterious death of his successful twin brother. Said slacker and a single mother (Michelle Monaghan) find out that they have been framed as terrorists, and they are coerced into becoming members of a cell tasked to assassinate a politician. Son and single mom must find a way to escape the cell and extricate themselves.

It’s cute, him trying to look all grown up with his pea coat, cigarette, gun, and facial hair.  The only "I’m a real adult!" thing missing is a cell phone in a little holster.  A holster for your cell phone says, "I’m important! I’m makin’ deals so fast I don’t have time to reach into my pockets!  Bang bang, I have a mortgage!"