Here’s the trailer for Freerunner, which seems like a lock to steal the all-time box office record from Avatar. Yes, Sean Faris is doing great. It seemed like only yesterday he was fighting Cam Gigandet in MMA movies and being interviewed by Michigan high school newspapers, and now he’s back, playing an ace freerunner, who’s going to need all his free running skills of being able to climb down stairs and quickly slide across car hoods if he’s going to outrun a mad man who’s been knocking off free runners. But why would someone do such a thing? Well it turns out out he just really hates free running. The best motive is no motive, as countless poorly-written movies have told us.

My favorite moment is at the 17-second mark when there’s an out-of-context shot of a nerd saying “SH*T YEAH!” after Sean Faris captures the other team’s flag. IT’S LIKE HE’S DOING AN IMPRESSION OF ME WHEN I’M WATCHING SEAN FARIS PULL OFF BADASS PARKOUR MOVES! Then there’s a two-second montage that shows 1. parkour fighting 2. sexy dancing 3. Kanye shades 4. vodka drinking. IT’S SO RELEVANT TO MY INTERESTS!! WHICH FOCUS GROUP DID YOU USE??!? This could be the hippest movie of all time. It’s so cutting edge it’s already played out. SAVE THEM, SEAN FARIS! SAVE THEM USING YOUR FREE RUNNING!

Look for it soon wherever DVDs are sold.
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If you’re at all familiar with FilmDrunk, you know that dog movies are pretty much our favorite thing ever.  Dogs playing poker, dogs dancing salsa, dogs playing piano, dogs playing volleyball, dogs hating black people  — basically, if the movie’s got a dog doing something human, and Owen Wilson’s not in it, we’re there.

Monster Mutt takes all the dogs-doing-people-stuff we love (taking performance-enhancing drugs, in this case) and combines it with our other favorite thing, people in animal costumes.  CGI IS FOR BITCHES, YO!  My God, it’s like someone recreated the world of my dreams in a movie trailer, and filled it with my secrets.  STOP THE VAN, I’VE BEEN INCEPTED!

And the song that plays when regular mutt turns into monster mutt?  You guessed it, Who Let the motherf*cking Dogs Out.  (*kisses fingertips*)  Magnifique.  That song hadn’t realized its true purpose, until now.

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Today someone sent me a link to BadgetotheBone, the official site of Scout’s Honor: Badge to the Bone, a direct-to-DVD movie starring Chris Kattan and Fred Willard that promises to be the dumbest comedy of all time — “seriously, we mean it. This is the dumbest comedy of all time.”

Guys, guys, the product speaks for itself.  Also included in this email was the loop clip you see above of Chris Kattan doing one of the strangest line readings I’ve ever seen or heard.  I can’t.  Stop watching this.  I’ve watched it about 10 times now, and it inexplicably gets funnier every time.  I think it’s because it raises so many questions: Did he practice that line flub?  Could that be possible?  Was it accidental?  They just left it in the movie like that?  Whose idea was this?  Why am I covered sow’s blood?  Who summoned this demon?

This is worse than when Danger made that Natalie Portman loop that had me grinding my teeth in time to her laugh for like three days.  I think I’ve lost my mind.  I’ve included the full trailer below, but trust me when I say that it will bring you no closer to understanding. THERE IS NO CONTEXT.

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The Dogfather is a new film that ponders that age-old question: what if your dog was secretly an ex-mafioso on the lam?  Because how well do you really know your best friend?  But even in a film that features a bulldog wearing suits and eating spaghetti (not to mention riding a skateboard, which, let’s face it, seemed a little out of character), the clear stand out is former SNL cast member Chris Parnell.

As much as I loved him as Dr. Leo Spaceman on 30 Rock, this could be his finest role.  No one pulls off that informercial style, Gee whiz! accomplishing-regular-tasks-is-hard!-style acting with as much humanity as he does. And at the 1:06 mark, he delivers the line that should take top billing in the next cut of his acting reel:

WIFE: (trying on new ring at the dinner table) “Where did you find it?”

CHRIS PARNELL: (matter-of-factly) “In Sonny’s poop.”

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We’ve got the scoop on Danny Trejo’s next project, before it even has an IMDB page.  It’s called Babysitters Beware, co-starring the kid from Modern Family.  Needless to say, it looks pretty legit.

“Mira, these keeds are dribeen me loco.”

“I tole you, pendejo, ees not a tumor.”

“Oye, wheech one of ju putos called for the babyseeter?”  (*racks shotgun*)

“That’s right, ése, eet’s nap time.” (*racks shotgun*)

[Thanks to Marc T for the tip]