"Mmm, sparkle me, Edward. Sparkle me raw."

Well it’s finally happened, and I’m surprised it took this long.  Now the lonely women of the world can have their very own sparkly vampire wiener, and without the challenge of having to bite their lips and look alluringly constipated.  That’s because a company called Tantus is marketing, yes, a Twilight dildo, called “The Vamp,” which sparkles in the sunlight and can be refrigerated to mimic that “ice-cold-vampire-penis” feel.  No word on whether you have to read 1100 pages of elementary-school level drivel before you actually stick it in you.

Who doesn’t love those dark and mysterious vamps on the screen and in the books we all thumb through lustfully? That’s what we thought. For those of us who fantasize about being spellbound and tantalized by the forbidden comes The Vamp. We promise this vamp won’t be the only thing coming for you in the night.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Yes it will.

The Vamp is a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire’s design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the moon’s soft glow.

(*slow clap*)  Bra-vo, Mr. Twilight-Dildo Copywriter Guy, bra-vo.

Since it’s a Tantus toy, The Vamp is made from Tantus’ own unique blend of 100% Ultra-Premium Silicone. Don’t be surprised if this toy seduces you, its long sleek shaft and deliciously ridged head calling out to you in the night. But don’t save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking our Vamp out in the sunlight and watch it sparkle.

“Yes, for the full experience, take your Twilight dildo for a spin on a sunny day.  Heck, keep your curlers and bathrobe on, because who even cares anymore?  Screw the neighbors, it’s your front yard.”

Do you want to hear some customer testimonials?  I’ll answer that for you: you want to hear some customer testimonials.

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Apparently there was a running joke on the set of Inglourious Basterds, whereby if a castmember was caught sleeping, they would get their picture taken with a giant purple dildo.  And that giant purple dildo was named Gerry.  (I would’ve called it “Danny Masterson.”)

Actor Michael Fassbender admits he was one of the only castmates not to make the board – because he found ways of sleeping in secret. He tells WENN, “Big Gerry was a giant purple dildo, very large in girth and length. Basically, anybody that was caught going to sleep would get photographed with Big Jerry the dildo somewhere near their face and put up on the Board of Shame. The idea was three strikes and you’re out. This kind of really worried me because I have a tendency to nap. If I have 10 or 15 minutes you’d find me in a corner underneath something but I never got caught. Brad (Pitt) was up there once on the Board of Shame, Gedeon Burkhard got caught twice, Diane (Kruger) was on the board… There was a lot of people on that board.” [ONTD]

Well isn’t that cute.  It’s nice to see that even people living the dream, making the kind of movies most people can only dream of making, with some of the biggest stars in the world can still find the time to have fun.  Heartwarming, really.  It’s kind of like how sometimes I shower just to put on pajamas, and only because I can’t stand the smell of myself.  Blogging is so glamorous.  Hey, know who else has a wall of dildos?  You guessed it, your mom.