(“They may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom, because this, this is our independence day, meow meow I’m king of the cat-monkeys, coo coo ka choo.”)

Over the weekend, Avatar passed Dark Knight to become the fifth movie in history to earn more than $1 billion worldwide (domestically, Dark Knight still leads by about $180m).  Number one all-time is Titanic, and now that Avatar stands at number four, James Cameron has directed two of the five (see the top five after the jump).  Sources say that upon hearing the news, he barbecued a unicorn over a slow-burning pit of $100 dollar bills, and after his personal chef finished it with a fine truffle and komodo-dragon sauce, a high-priced call girl spit it into his mouth while she pleasured herself with a gold bar.  And then the block quotes came:

“Avatar” has an advantage over those other billion-dollar movies: About 75 percent of its domestic business has come from theaters showing it in 3-D [which costs more].
[Overall] the year was strong but not a modern record-breaker for number of tickets sold. According to Hollywood.com, domestic admissions came in at 1.42 billion in 2009, the most in the last five years, though well below the modern record of 1.6 billion in 2002.
In Hollywood’s glory years of the 1930s and ’40s, before television eroded the movie audience, estimated movie attendance ran as high as 4 billion some years.
“Leave it to James Cameron to do this. To not only set the technical world on fire, the visual world on fire, but also the box-office world on fire 12 years after `Titanic,’” said Paul Dergarabedian, box-office analyst for Hollywood.com. [ABCNews]

Gee, Paul, that is some brilliant analysis.  “So you’re saying he did it by setting things on fire…” Michael Bay muttered to himself while quietly petting his cheetah.

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James Cameron’s Avatar opened this weekend, and with a budget of anywhere between $300 and $500 million depending on who you ask, people were expecting huge numbers.  And it, uh… delivered?  Sorta?

$73 million on approximately 7,000 screens at 3,452 sites over the weekend, claiming the highest-grossing opening ever for a movie that’s neither a sequel, a remake nor a direct adaptation (though others had greater attendance). It was also the second highest-grossing December opening weekend after I Am Legend ($77.2 million).  [Box Office Mojo]

UPDATE: Variety’s updated numbers show Avatar beating I Am Legend with $77.3 mil.

Losing to I Am Legend?   A little surprising.  But (and I’ve got a review coming at some point today), it doesn’t really matter what the critics say about it or how much money it makes, it’s going to become a part of pop culture the way T2 and Titanic did.  And with all the blue boobs, quivering cat ears, and curious tails, it’ll be one small step for 3D technology, one giant leap for the fetish porn community.

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I don’t remember why I made this picture.

Opening this weekend (trailers after the jump):

Up in the Air
This one’s been sort of overshadowed by all the Avatar hype, but the early buzz is that it’s really good.  Plus, who doesn’t like George Clooney?  Communists, that’s who.

Avatar
Ava-who?  Hmm, I do not believe I’ve heard anything about this movie-film.  Do you guys know anything about it? (Sidenote: I bought a ticket to a midnight screening last night, because you see, no one invites me to press screenings because God forbid a person who writes about movies be honest and make poop jokes from time to time.  I had my press credentials for Sundance denied for the same reason, but I digress.  Long story short, I wanted to have an Avatar review up today, but I got drunk and slept through the alarm I’d set for midnight when I was supposed to see it.  Please accept my humblest, most inappropriately sexual apology).

Did You Hear About the Morgans?
Are city people who have to move to the country ever not funny??  YOU CAIN’T WEAR HAGH HEELS IN THE STABLE, CEETY SLICKER!!  Anyway, if no one gets hit in the nuts in this movie, as God as my witness I will scratch all of my records.  I think this picture sums it up best:

[Courtesy of 5secondfilms]

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Sarah Jessica Parker recently revealed that she was kicked by a cow on the set of her latest movie, Did You Hear About the Morgans.

“The cow kicked me in the middle of the scene and they left it in.” The 44-year-old added: “But I sympathised with the cow. I didn’t belong there and she knew it.” [BBC - thanks, Alan]

Now that you have more than enough material, add your own punchline in the comments section.

Above you’ll find the trailer for Columbia Pictures’ Did You Hear About The Morgans?, starring Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker. From the looks of things, this appears to be the Oscar vehicle both Grant and Parker have desperately been waiting for. The pair play a fledgeling married couple on the brink of divorce, when they are suddenly forced into the Witness Protection Program after watching a murder take place. Deeply thought out dialogue ensues as the two learn that they have been relocated to the small town of…Ray, Wyoming?! *sad trombone*

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