People like to badmouth the choice of Zack Snyder to direct Warner’s Superman reboot, Man of Steel, but if you throw out Sucker Punch, which was indeed terrible, he did a decent job with The Watchmen, and if you can handle Dr. Manhattan, it seems to follow that you should be able to handle Superman, who’s just Dr. Manhattan with underpants. Anyway, here’s the latest trailer for Man of Steel, screenplay by David S. Goyer and Christpher Nolan, starring Henry Cavill as Superman, Dianne Lane as Martha Kent (way too attractive to be named “Martha”), and cameos from Kevin Costner as Pa Kent, Russell Crowe as Jor-El, Michael Shannon as General Zod, and Amy Adams as Lois Lane. There don’t seem to be any Justice League hints, thank God, but neither does Zod flog himself or drown any Jews a la Boardwalk Empire. Call it a wash.

Read the rest of this entry »

So Disney made this movie, Secretariat, which tells the “impossible true story” of a copywriter who doesn’t care about the literal meaning of words of an unlikely racehorse with a quirky trainer, who helps save a struggling farm, and proves that women can own horses just as good as men can (no, really).  Sample dialog from the trailer:

“SECRETARIAT IS NOT AFRAID AND NEITHER AM I.”

“THIS IS ABOUT LIFE BEING AHEAD OF YOU… AND YOU RUN AT IT.”

“OUR FATHER’S FARM HAS BEEN LOSING MONEY FOR YEARS.  WE NEED A CERTAIN TOUCH, NOT A HOUSEWIFE.”

“YER CHANGIN’ THAT HORSE’S LAAHFE.”

“NOPE.  THAT HORSE IS CHANGIN’ MAAHNE.”

Okay, so I made that last part up.  This is not actually about Sandra Bullock teaching a horse to play football. That is the subject of another Disney movie, Air Bud 12: Hoof it to the Colisseum.  This one is basically Seabiscuit 2.  How to sell such a movie?  Why, with a picture of John Malkovich looking like he’s about to bite into my face like an apple, of course.  Dude spent a lot of time with horses during filming.  Like, a lot of time.

Read the rest of this entry »

Haha, just kidding, you guys, Sarah Jessica Parker isn’t actually in this Secretariat movie. I was just making a joke because, I don’t know if you’ve heard this, but many people say she somewhat resembles a horse.  No really, it’s true.

Dylan Walsh, John Malkovich and Scott Glenn are saddling up for “Secretariat,” the story of the horse that won the 1973 Triple Crown.  Diane Lane stars as the horse’s owner Penny Tweedy, the housewife who broke though a gender barrier to usher Secretariat to greatness. Walsh plays Lane’s husband, a successful attorney who is accustomed to his wife being at his beck and call.  Malkovich plays a charismatic trainer who underestimates the power of Secretariat; Glenn is a southern-bred aristocrat who loses the horse in a coin toss. [THR]

Hey, didn’t we already make this movie when it was called Seabiscuit?  A different horse wins the Kentucky Derby every year, they don’t all need movies.  When you break it down, a horse just happens to be the only animal stupid enough that you can not only climb on its back, but whipping it actually makes it take you places faster.  Try pulling that sh’t with a retarded kid.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  You don’t even have to promise the horse anything.  You just scare it, which isn’t hard because it’s an idiot, and then if it’s more scared than the other horses you start treating it like it’s the effing pope.  Screw horses.  The only way I’m seeing this movie is if it’s about a guy who boxes horses.  Cinderella Horse, they could call it.  Because hits them so hard they lose a shoe, you see.

I just saw The Wrestler last night and believe the hype, because that movie rocks balls (review to come).  After that, I think I’d watch Mickey Rourke paint a house (if only I had a time machine to five years ago).  In Killshot, he stars opposite Joseph Gordon-Levitt Hyphen, Thomas Jane, and Diane Lane, as a hitman for the Toronto mob.  For some reason that makes me imagine the following exchange:

DETECTIVE: He’s a contract killer for the Toronto mafia.

FRIGHTENED WOMAN: The Toronto mafia?

DETECTIVE: (Whispering) They control the moose racket.

Watch the trailer for Untraceable here

As if having Sceen Gems flash across the screen before the trailer starts wasn’t enough to tell you this movie sucks, it’s also got Colin Hanks! He’s Tom Hanks’ son! His casting was merit-based! 

Screen Gems has revealed the new trailer for Diane Lane thriller Untraceable, opening in theaters on January 25. Directed by Gregory Hoblit and also starring Colin Hanks and Erin Carufel, the film is about a technology-savvy serial killer who displays his graphic murders on his own website.

That’s right, THE MORE PEOPLE WHO LOG ON, THE FASTER THEY DIE!! If only FilmDrunk traffic could slowly kill Jerry Bruckheimer. You know, before Down Syndrome does.

Long story short, Screen Gems is a crap factory.  A craptory, if you will.