This is… the story of a girl… who cried a river and drowned the whole world…

Director’s Guild president Taylor Hackford today announced the five nominees for the DGA Award for Outstanding Directorial Achievement in Feature Film for 2012, which included Steven Spielberg and Les Misérables director Tom Hooper, but not Paul Thomas Anderson, Rian Johnson, Steven Soderbergh, or Quentin Tarantino. If you wonder why there are so many bad movies, that a voting majority of directors have boring, crappy taste may have something to do with it.

Argo – Ben Affleck

Zero Dark Thirty – Kathryn Bigelow

Les Misérables -Tom Hooper

Life of Pi – Ang Lee

Lincoln – Steven Spielberg [full press release]

This is Spielberg’s 11th DGA nomination, a record. I don’t know what’s worse, the DGA not recognizing The Master, Django Unchained, or Looper (all of which feature in my top five of the year), or that they honored Les Mis with anything but a Smash Mouth parody. Especially since the Les Mis haters were so vocal:

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(I think what Party Dog was trying to say is that Kathryn Bigelow looks pretty good for 58.)

The DGA Awards were held last night, and despite the dorks who predict such things predicting that Avatar would take home the top prize (perhaps the Cheeto dust obscured their crystal ball), Hurt Locker director and James Cameron ex-wife Kathryn Bigelow won the DGA’s Outstanding Directorial Achievement in Feature Film.  That’s a good thing, since presumably, part of being a good director should be telling a story that isn’t kind of cheesy and lame. With a win in the Producer’s Guild Awards and now the DGA, many say Hurt Locker is poised to win a Best Picture Oscar, though no one really knows such things.  Except of course Voodoo Charlie, Pointless Prediction Psychic to the Stars.

For his part, James Cameron admitted that he was wrong for ever wanting a divorce, then had a good cry before he had a private jet fly him to his yacht docked in international waters, where he spent the night masturbating to the North Korean teenagers he pays to naked knife fight.  (Allegedly).  Here’s the full list of winners:
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