(Is this picture related?  Not really, but I love it.)

Opening this week:
Predators
The reviews for the Robert Rodriguez-produced, Nimrod Antal-directed Predator sequel pluralization have been middling so far, but does it really matter?  If I don’t see it, Danny Trejo says he’ll stab my family.  And I believed him, he grabbed his crotch right afterwards.

Despicable Me
Looks okay, I guess.  I didn’t see any Dreamworks face, so there’s that.  Gosh, I can’t wait to have some annoying, stupid kids.

The Kids Are All Right
Annette Bening. Julianne Moore.  Lesbos.  Everyone I know seems to be groaning at the “quirky family” ness of this one, but I don’t know.  I thought the trailer looked funny. Besides, it’s got Mark Ruffalo in it, and he’s like a boxer puppy with a bandanna around its neck.  Just wanna feed that f*cker a milk bone and scratch his chin (no homo).

Grease Sing-a-long
Playing in NY, LA, Chicago, San Francisco, Boston, Austin, Dallas, Atlanta, Seattle, San Diego, Miami, and Ocala, FL.  I think I’d rather have my genitals ridiculed by a clique of popular cheerleaders than be in a room full of people singing along to motherf*cking Grease.  Put them together and make the setting this van and you have my perfect nightmare.

Winnebago Man (NYC only)
Yes, it’s a documentary about the star of the funniest viral video of all time.  I would stab my mother to see this film.  Well, your mother anyway.  If you’re in the New York area, I would urge you to go see-  Aaaah I don’t even know what the f*ck I’m typing!  DON’T SLAM THE F*CKIN’ DOOR, TONY.   (*waves flies out of face, kicks dirt*)

Oh and check out the FilmDrunk Frotcast, you jerks. Critics are already calling it “the bro-iest circle jerk of the summer.”

I thought the first trailer for Universal’s CGI, 3D animated Despicable Me was interesting because it didn’t give away too much of the plot.  Then again, I forgot it almost as soon as I posted it so what do I know.  This is the second trailer, which seems to have a completely different plot than the first.  This one makes it seem like it’s about Steve Carell’s villain character, Gru (who apparently speaks with a Russian accent the whole time), and his rivalry with a better super villain; the last one seemed to be about Gru’s plan to steal the world’s monuments.  Then there’s the synopsis about Gru adopting some orphan girls.  But it’s all more or less irrelevant because there’s a nut shot in the trailer, and you know my rule about nut shots in the trailer.  Nut shots in the trailer are up there with the presence of Cam Gigandet when it comes to surefire predictors of a movie’s suckitude.

Also familiar with nut shots in a trailer?  Your mom.  (Because she lives in a trailer, you see.)

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: What’s the best computer animated film for adults?

(Update: I put the trailer after the jump to make the page load faster)

Pixar consistently blows my mind with their stories and melts my face off with their animation, while the rest of the animation world does 15 variations on chihuahuas eating tacos and kangaroos that box.  But this trailer for Despicable Me (from Universal and Illumination Entertainment) looks promising. If only because it kept making me go “Wha?” and I still don’t know what it’s about.  Here’s the official rundown:

In a happy suburban neighborhood surrounded by white picket fences with flowering rose bushes, sits a black house with a dead lawn. Unbeknownst to the neighbors, hidden beneath this home is a vast secret hideout. Surrounded by a small army of minions, we discover Gru planning the biggest heist in the history of the world. He is going to steal the moon, yes, the moon. Gru delights in all things wicked. Armed with his arsenal of shrink rays, freeze rays, and battle-ready vehicles for land and air, he vanquishes all who stand in his way. Until the day he encounters the immense will of three little orphaned girls who look at him and see something that no one else has ever seen: a potential Dad. [Yahoo]

Aw, how cute, it’s a metaphor for dating a stripper.  I stuff my dollars inside the hole in their heart.

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