If you’re wondering why I just cranked up my Soul Asylum record, it’s because they just released a trailer for Tony Scott’s Unstoppable, a film about a runaway train, never comin’ back; wrong way down a one-way track.  You can watch it now, but after it’s over, we’ll need to put on flannel and discuss social issues.  Denzel Washington and Star Trek‘s Chris Pine star as the interracial buddy cops train conductors, with Pine as the snot-nose rookie fresh out of the academy, and Washington as the grizzled veteran who’s too old for this sh*t.  Suddenly a freight train loaded with chemical waste takes off down the tracks with no conductor, and as the beautifully big-breasted Rosario Dawson helpfully informs us, it’s like a missile the size of the Chrysler building, and it’s headed straight for the orphanage/puppy shelter. Basically, it’s like if Lethal Weapon, Die Hard with a Vengeance, and Speed got wasted and triple kissed at a frat party.

Verdict?  Mehhhh.  Tony Scott is pretty hit or miss. His last three movies were Domino, Deja Vu, and The Taking of Pelham 123, about as dismissive wank-worthy a group as you’ll find.  Man on Fire was fun, but I can’t imagine watching Denzel Washington catch a train from behind with another train will be nearly as enjoyable as watching him shove a bomb up a guy’s ass and let it explode (call me old-fashioned). And as far as movies with the plots of mid-90s alt rock songs goes, I’d definitely rather see “Possum Kingdom.”

Bronson Pinchot has made a career out of playing effeminate foreigners, and he must be set, financially, because he burns some serious bridges in this new interview with the always great Onion A/V Club.  Not that that’s a criticism, it’s awesome the 1% of the time when actors are actually honest.

On Risky Business:
We thought Tom [Cruise] was the biggest bore on the face of the Earth. He had spent some formative time with Sean Penn—we were all very young at the time, Tom was 20, I was 23. Tom had picked up this knack of calling everyone by their character names, because that would probably make your performance better, and I don’t agree with that. I think that acting is acting, and the rest of the time, you should be you, but he called us all by our character names. He was tense and made constant, constant unrelated homophobic comments, like, “You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?” I mean, his lingo was larded with the most… There was no basis for it. It was like, “It’s a nice day, I’m glad there are no gay people standing here.” Very, very strange.
Same thing with Eddie Murphy—I remember somebody calling and saying, “You’ll never guess who was just caught with a transvestite!” [Laughs.]

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In a perfect world, we could judge The Book of Eli totally on its own merits without comparing it to The Road.  But as a wise man named Will Smith once said, “Welcome da Earff.”  It looks like they took The Road, a book that was unique in its approach to the apocalypse, and said, “Hey, know what’d make this way more awesome?  Sword fights and bible references and Mila Kunis!”  Thereby turning an unconventional approach to conventional subject matter into a really conventional approach to conventional subject matter.  Or as I like to call it, a Vin Diesel movie.  The upside is, instead of Vin Diesel, this one has Denzel Washington and Gary Oldman and Cheddar Bob from 8-Mile.  Still, could use more tigers.

(that train engine is actually 60 feet long)

Variety reports that Rosario Dawson has just joined the cast of Tony Scott’s upcoming Unstoppable alongside Denzel Washington and Chris Pine. Scheduled to begin shooting this fall, Unstoppable comes from writer Mark Bomback who recently penned the screenplay for 2007′s Race To Witch Mountain (oh great, so we’re in good hands then).

Unstoppable, a 20th Century Fox drama about a runaway train carrying a cargo of toxic chemicals. Pits an engineer and his conductor in a race against time. They’re chasing the runaway train in a separate locomotive and need to bring it under control before it derails on a curve and causes a toxic spill that will decimate a town. [IMDB]

The script is loosely based on actual events, which probably means that Mark Bomback once owned a train set…then again, maybe it’s actually based on the time that Denzel Washington and Chris Pine stopped an unmanned train. I don’t know, how should I know? I’m not the one who told you to cheat off me during this test. Well, regardless of whatever the hell it actually means to say that something is “inspired by true events”, I do believe that Mitch Hedberg said it best:
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After the jump I’ve got the trailer for The Book of Eli, from the Hughes Brothers and Denzel Washington.  The cool thing about Cormac McCarthy’s The Road is that it’s a post-apocalyptic story that isn’t really about what caused the apocalypse, nor is the plot concerned with saving humanity.  Basically, it’s a post-apocalyptic story that isn’t a generic post-apocalyptic story. Meanwhile The Book of Eli looks like it began as someone reading The Road and then going, “hmmm, how can we turn this into a generic post-apocalyptic story?”  

Denzel Washington stars as a lone warrior named Eli, who fights his way across the desolate wasteland of near-future America to realize his destiny and deliver the knowledge that can bring civilization back from the brink of destruction and save the future of humanity.

Denzel Washington is “the one,” you see, but the bad guys want to kill him.  He’s like a cross between Jesus and Keanu Reeves!  Haha, “a cross”, get it?  Biblical references, everyone! (*fart sound*)

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