This video apparently hit right before we broke for Christmas, but if you know anything about FilmDrunk, you know we love movie-related novelty food above nearly all things, save C-Tates storyboards, Gary Busey, and Danzig stories. By now you’re all no doubt familiar with Denny’s Hobbit menu, a veritable menagerie of schlock-themed grease stuffs, such as a grilled cheese sandwich filled with turkey and stuffing and fried red velvet dough filled with white chocolate chips and dipped in cream cheese sauce. So yeah, that. Here, professional eater Jamie McDonald takes down the entire menu in approximately 20 minutes. 20 minutes! It takes longer than that for Bilbo to rub his eyes and get out of bed at the beginning of the movie (“I’m late for Hobbit school!” he shouts, slapping on a back pack and jumping on his skateboard, as Huey Lewis starts to play The Power of Love).

What Jamie ate:

Hobbit Hole Breakfast: Two eggs fried right into the center of grilled Cheddar bun halves. Served with two strips of bacon and crispy hash browns topped with melted shredded Cheddar cheese and bacon.

Shire Sausage Skillet: Shire sausage with seasoned red-skinned potatoes, sautéed mushrooms and fire-roasted peppers and onions served on a sizzling skillet. Topped with shredded Cheddar cheese and two eggs.

Frodo’s Pot Roast Skillet: Slow-cooked pot roast, herb-roasted carrots, celery, mushrooms and onions over broccoli and seasoned red-skinned potatoes served on a hot sizzling skillet. Topped with shredded Cheddar cheese and served with dinner bread.

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It seems like it was only yesterday that I was telling you about Denny’s new The Hobbit-themed menu, featuring items such as the “Hobbit hole breakfast,” “The Ring Burger,” and “Radagast’s Red Velvet Pancake Puppies,” because who wouldn’t want to eat food named for a character with bird sh*t caked down the side of his face? I hope he prepares it himself! Ah, remember when all Denny’s needed to sell their food was an old lady who couldn’t get the name right? Those were the days. Anyway, a pair of brave souls, Rob and Heather Beschizza of BoingBoing, recently embarked upon a quest to sample these menu items. I go to Denny’s for non-gross food like I visit hookers to learn calculus, so it’s no surprise what they found – fried stuff, more fried stuff, and soggy disgusting sandwiches with unspeakable amounts of mayonnaise. Did you know “Gandalf’s Gobble Melt,” in addition to being a great euphemism for your mother’s vagina, is actually a grilled cheese sandwich filled with fried cheese sticks? Yum! At least, that’s what the picture said it was supposed to be. In the video, it actually looks like a mayo-braised turkey sandwich topped with dog puke and a side of gravy. Check, please!

Surprisingly, the red velvet pancake puppies actually look like the most appetizing of the bunch, probably because it’s hard to f*ck up fried balls of dough (not that there’s anything wrong with that). In any case, I’ve helpfully included pictures of all the food featured, so you can experience this hobbit feast vicariously. You can practically feel the diarrhea through the screen! I heard Peter Jackson wanted to design it so that each breakfast takes three hours and you don’t get bacon until the third visit. In the “number one”, you actually just pay to watch the waitress walk from the table to the kitchen.

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If Wahlburgers thought they were going to own the movie-related food market, they’ve got another thing coming, because MGM is partnering with Denny’s to offer Hobbit-themed breakfasts, second breakfasts, elevenses, afternoon tea, etc., as well as your basic drunk late-night face f*ck. Peter Jackson may never be thin again.

Starting Nov. 6, customers will be able to feast on 11 new breakfast, lunch and dinner dishes including the “Hobbit Hole Breakfast,” “Frodo’s Pot Roast Skillet” and “Build Your Own Hobbit Slam,” which includes new limited time holiday favorites such as “Pumpkin Patch Pancakes,” “Shire Sausage,” and “Seed Cake French Toast.” [UPI]
[and, according to the LA Times/I09] Gandalf’s Gobble Melt, “The Ring” Burger, Bilbo’s Berry Smoothies, Build Your Own Hobbit Slam and Radagast’s Red Velvet Pancake Puppies.

“Red velvet pancake puppies,” aka “deep-fried balls of dough.” That “Red velvet” crap must have a genius publicist, because red velvet isn’t that good. I guarantee if you ground up some plums in your cake mix and started calling it “imperial satin” the same dipshits would go nuts for it. Pretty much the opposite of “Hobbit Hole Breakfast,” which sounds like an unspeakable sex act. Anyway, I suppose Denny’s greasy dumpster slop might as well have a theme, and no one knows what the f*ck “moons over my hammie” is supposed to mean anymore, so there you go. I’m just sad Outback never teamed with Kevin James for “Here Comes the Bloomin’ Onion.”

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