The French trailer for Stephen Sommers’ G.I. Joe has hit the web, and it’s pure adrenaline.  And did you know?  Adrenaline is made up of two parts CGI with three parts expository dialog. Hiring the Van Helsing director was a great idea. Here’s an actual transcript I made of the trailer:

“I want the warheads ready to launch in one hour.  When I’m finished, this world will never forget.”

“The French are pretty upset.”
“Of course they’re upset!”

“We have never faced a threat like this.  A team is being assembled.  They are the best operatives in the world.  When all else fails… we don’t.”
“I want in.”

“Standing in front of you, are Delta 6 Accelerator Suits.”
“What’s it accelerate?”
“YOU.”

“This is General Hawk.  Mission is a go.”
“Here they come.”
“GO! GO! GO!”
“We’re running out of time!  Eject!”
“This is only just begun.” [sic]

This. Is. Going. To be. Awesome. They clearly ripped a page out of the George Lucas Star-Wars-Episode-I manual of dialogue writing.  It makes things really exciting, because even if you have to look for something under your seat during the movie, you’ll still know what’s going on because the characters shout about whatever they’re doing at any given time.I’m typing as fast as I can! Look out, everyone! (*explosion*)

After the jump, check out the new trailer for Pandorum.

“From the producers of the Resident Evil franchise, comes a new movie starring Dennis Quaid, [the criminally underrated] Ben Foster and Cam Gigandet.  Christian Alvert is directing the terrifying story of a couple of astronauts that have no memory of their mission or even their identities, buit quickly find out they aren’t alone on their spaceship.” [horror-movies.ca]

What if you awoke… with no memory.  What if the world you knew… was gone.  What if you discovered… you were not alone….  ARRRRGGGGH, IT’S CAM GIGANDET!  I KNEW I SHOULDN’T HAVE AGREED TO THIS MOVIE!  (I liked this better when it was called Event Horizon).  (I hope that when the bad guys come, they NEVER BACK DOWN.  Shut up, I was already leaving.)
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After the jump I’ve got the trailer for The Express, starring Dennis Quaid and that you’re-the-man-now-dog kid.  It tells the heartwarming true story of Ernie Davis, the first black Heisman Trophy winner who overcame adversity, broke records on the field and barriers off it, then promptly developed leukemia and died at 23.  Boy, you’re a real fuckin downer today, Wikipedia.

Anyway, it still promises to be an important film.  Far too many black kids nowadays grow up without even considering a career in professional sports.

This is the first picture from the set of G.I. Joe, in which Dennis Quaid calls his agent to say, "You put me in a f*cking Stephen Sommers movie?  The guy from Van Helsing?  You’re f*cking fired."

In the movie, Quaid plays General Hawk.

Hawk is the code name of Major General Clayton M. Abernathy. He is the commander of the G.I. Joe Team. Born in Denver, Colorado, he comes from a wealthy family whose influence enabled him to enroll in West Point where he graduated at the top of his class. He was even able to gain experience in the battlefield in several trouble spots. One description of him is that he is "keenly intelligent and perceptive and quite capable of totally selfless acts in support of his team-mates. An excellent leader!" [Wiki]

Aw, it’s cute when people create back stories for their dolls.  I have a plush pony named Professor McGiggles – I like to braid his mane and pretend he works at a prestigious college where he teaches girls that sweatpants are sexy.  

Dennis Quaid, good ol’ Cap Rooney from Any Given Sunday, will join Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans and others in the upcoming Stephen Sommers-directed GI Joe (the stupidest idea since Justice League).

Quaid will play General Hawk, the grizzled team leader and Tatum will play Duke Hauser, the lead soldier in the Stephen Sommers-directed film, which is scheduled to shoot next month in L.A. Pic is set for release on Aug. 7, 2009. [Variety]

You know, I always thought of Dennis Quaid as an A-list actor, or pretty close.  And yet here he is doing a comic book movie with the director of Van Helsing and playing second fiddle to the guy from Step Up?  This movie’s basically on the level of the Dragonball Z movie, or Beyond the Ring, so my best explanation is that he has a severe drug problem or took a dump on an ancient indian burial ground or something.  

I’m henceforth boycotting all Dennis Quaid movies until he makes a sequel to Dragonheart (trailer after the jump).