It’s always nice to start the week with good news and though I don’t have your STD test results, I can tell you that a Martin Scorsese film (Shutter Island) wiped its ass with Ashton Kutcher’s Al-Qaeda recruitment tape at the box office.  Shutter Island‘s $40.2 million opening weekend was a career best for both Scorsese and DiCaprio.  Reached for comment, Shutter Island author Dennis Lehane said, “To celebrate, Me n Leanahdo n Mahty ah gonna go pahty with some hookahs and then kill the sonovabitch priest who molested my daughtah.”

Meanwhile, Valentine’s Day suffered a massive 70% drop from last weekend, which is a nice bit of schadenfreude, but with an $87.5 million domestic gross thus far on a $52 million budget, it’s probably not enough to keep the mullahs who financed it from making another one.  And who wants to bet this kid won’t be blowing guys for heroine in a couple years?  “C’mon, man, make it $20, I was in a movie with Ashton Kutcher.”  Just what the world needs, another drug-addicted former child star.  Or worse, Danny Masterson.

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Dennis Lehane is best known for writing the novels Mystic River and Gone Baby Gone, whose subjects were child molestation and child molestation, respectively, as well as penning a few episodes of The Wire, most notably the ones involving child molestation.  Now Lehane is set to make his feature screenwriting debut, adapting his own short story Animal Rescue for Fox 2000. Animal Rescue reportedly deals with “a killing resulting from a lost and contested pit bull” and was published in a collection called Boston Noir, which Lehane also edited.  I haven’t read it, but /Film reports that it’s set in Dorchester and the first line is:

Bob found the dog in the trash.

And knowing Dennis Lehane, I image the next line is, “Hey, Tawmy– yeah, it’s Rawjuh.  Yeah, dey killed my fackin’ dawg.  That’s right, fackin’ Nomah, da Rawtweilah, he’s dead.  Dead as fackin dawnail.  Haahtless, these hahd ons.  Who do you think it was? Caspah?  Squeezebawx?  I dunno who dey think theyuh dealin wit, cuz I gawt half a mind ta  go take one a dayuh kids down to da hahbah an molest da sonovabitch, just like dat sonovabitch priest molested me.  GO SAWX!  I miss my fackin’ dawg.”

Awright, listen up ya queahs, Shuttah Island has a new trailah.  I don’t gotta tell you dat I gawt a majah fackin hahd on for this movie ’cause it’s from Mahtin Scoah Seas, the fackin’ guy who directed The Fackin’ Depahted, an it’s fackin’ set in fackin’ Bawston again. GO SAWX!  This one’s gawt Leanahdo Di Caprio, Special K, Ruffo, and that othah queah from the Watchmen — that movie was wicked queah.  It’s like, if I wanted to stayuh at fackin’ blue cawcks fa two houahs, I’d take Tawmy an’ Caspah an’ Squeezebawx down to da fackin’ hahbah an go skinny dippin’ in fackin’ wintah.  Am I fackin’ right oar am I fackin’ right?

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This is the first poster for Martin Scorsese’s Shutter Island…  Hee hee!  I’m totally joking!  This is the real poster.  Aren’t I zany?  I just couldn’t resist.  Because people often light matches when someone farts, you see.

It stars Leonardo DiCaprio.  The poster seems to say, “This guy. Walks. Through the raindrops.”

Just the thought of Martin Scorsese directing an adaptation of a Dennis Lehane novel (The Wire, Gone Baby Gone, Mystic River) gives me a wicked fackin nerd bonuh (because Dennis Lehane is from Boston, you see).  Shutter Island (first ever trailer below) stars Leo DiCaprio, Mark Ruffalo, Emily Mortimer, Special K Kingsley, and Michelle Williams.

The plot is Wicker Man-esque in that DiCaprio plays a U.S. Marshall investigating the escape of a murderess from a remote mental institution for the criminally insane on Shutter Island. And since it’s set in the 50s, the lobotimize-you-for-PMS era of psychiatry, he’s sure to find more than just an escaped crazy bitch.  And since it’s Dennis Lehane, someone involved is sure to get molested, or is running from their past when they got molested, or desperately wants to start molesting.  Just speculating here, but probably Leo’s character’s motivation is probably to find and molest the man who molested him.

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